Grateful Monday

  1. My boyfriend and I have taken a family subscription to the Y.
  2. It was a sunny long weekend.
  3. Pumpkin muffins and pumpkin breads !
  4. I found an apple-raisin bread in a shop and it was so good !
  5. I am finding out that it’s not that I’m not a team player. I just need the right team.
  6. I am not alone anymore. I have myself and my bf and friends.
  7. People have been very sweet about the baby. My colleague started a pool at work : they have to guess the date and weight of the baby.
  8. I got a free chocolate bar.
  9. I cleaned my coffee maker and it works fine now ! I don’t have to buy a new one.
  10. Spinach pesto, pumpkin pasta, cauliflower mac and cheese…many recipes to hide veggies. 🙂
Publicités

Meh

I guess I have been feeling anxious, a bit restless.

Last night I had to put a bandage after all. I slept badly but I don’t know why. We have a new ventilator so the room is cool and comfy. Everything in my life is going well, no major dramas.

Maybe I’m anxious about the pregnancy and the future effects it will have. For example :

  • I don’t like my sister and she doesn’t like me. Is she going to make it difficult for my child ? Will she be able to act correctly in front of him or her ?
  • Will I be able to trust my alcoholic mom with the baby ?
  • I don’t have friends with kids. Who am I going to talk to about whatever is going on ? I plan on registering for mommy and me playgroups and cardio poussettes but it’s not the same.
  • Will I be able to take care of the baby ? Is my vision too romantic ? I am sure my vision of what it is like with a child is not romantic, it’s more really cynic and realist.
  • Will I be able to keep my cool or will I become like my parents and yell ?
  • I am afraid I will miscarry or that something might happen or that the baby is sick.

It goes on and on.

I hope it goes away. Since I have noone to talk to about this except my boyfriend, I feel lonely. I need some mommy friends I think.

 

Self interview

Hello

Hello

What’s up ?

Not much

Really ? Why isn’t the August Icomleavwe badge on your blog ?

Last month I barely had time to comment and it made me feel disappointed about myself and this month I will be gone for 4 days during the Icomleavwe week. I can’t make all the comments in the few days left.

Where are you going ?

I’m going to Québec with C.

How is she doing ?

I wouldn’t know. I haven’t seen her in a while. She has an insane schedule at work and she’s looking for another job and she has a boyfriend.

You are rationalizing, aren’t you ?

Yes.

Why?

Because I’m angry that she does that all the time. And I know I’m unfair about it. She really is busy and really has no time.

What makes you so angry then ?

It’s always the same thing. I have to call her or ask her to do something. Since she has a boyfriend, I feel like she waits for him by the phone (which she doesn’t) and I’m always last. I hate it. When I talk to her about it she says she will do better, she will ask me to do stuff. But she doesn’t. My rationalization is what makes me wait for her. Patiently.

Although your patience is nearing its limits.

Yes

What are you doing about it ?

I’m hoping our vacation will bring us closer together and I have started a friend quest.

Friend quest ?

Yes. I am trying to see if looking for friends is the same thing as looking for a boyfriend. Can I apply the same strategies ?

Can you ?

That’s what I am examining. I have registered on web sites and have started going to activities. I think that I am not making real friends at work, my rela life friends are busy with boyfriends and babies. I’m not making friends at the gym either, I’m concentrating on my weights. So maybe activities that I like will attract other people who like that too.

What activities ?

I have been to breakfast at Cora’s and I have been to the Ceramic café. This was done with the first website I registered at. I used Meetup as well as suggested by Elizabeth. This afternoon I am going to a drawing class.Another web site I registered with is for women only and I have not RSVPd to any activities yet because my schedule is full. I’m waiting for Fall.

Have you met interesting people ?

At breakfast no. One guy I already knew but the other one was weird (he kept looking at my décolleté and he talked too loud, he had no social skills, he even started reading the newspaper before the meeting was concluded). At the ceramic café I met a French woman vacationing here and she was quite nice. Very calm. We had moments of silence while we did our ceramic painting and we talked about men, our exes and all that. It was nice. She is coming to my eating cupcakes activity next week. Too bad she is going back to France at the end of the month.

Do you feel like it’s online dating ?

The weird guy made me feel this way and this other website I was using. I deleted my account this morning because everyone was called a friend on the website but it felt like an online dating service and I had only one woman send me an email. Only men voted on my profile or picture. Blargh.

So you are going to a drawing class today ?

Yep. I have to buy a drawing pad, I haven’t used one in years but I still have my charcoal pen. It’s a model class with vin et fromages. Relaxed. I hope I can go.

Why ?

I have blisters under my two feet near the toes. I walked too much with new flipflops that looked very promising. I should stick to what’s known and trusted : Crocs.

Ouch. Why didn’t you buy Crocs this time ?

I went to the store on Ste-Catherine and they didn’t have flipflops anymore. So I bought two pairs (2?!) at the massotherapy place I went to this week. I shouldn’t have…

How to be alone et Lundi reconnaissant

J’ai vu le vidéo sur un blog, hier, mais je ne l’ai pas regardé. Surprise de le trouver sur Facebook, je l’ai regardé. Wow. Moi, c’est comme ça que j’ai appris à être seule. J’aimerais donc que plus de francophones soient bilingues pour comprendre le vidéo…peut-être que je pourrais le traduire ?

Lundi reconnaissant

  • I’m grateful I understand English, I can write it and speak it.
  • Je suis contente d’avoir appris à être seule. Ça a pris du temps, mais maintenant, je suis bien.
  • La visite de P. hier était vraiment cool. Je suis contente de le voir !
  • Maudit que ma famille est folle !
  • Mon père (le chum de ma mère) m’a prêté son appareil photo et il fait de la macro !! C’est un Canon Powershot S21S.
  • C’est mon premier lundi de vacances.
  • J’ai fait une soupe super bonne, hier ! Tofu, champignons, échalotte française…je vais poster la recette bientôt.
  • J’ai fait un pique-nique avec J-L samedi. Ça fait du bien d’être seuls sans ordinateur.
  • J’ai maintenant 125$ à dépenser chez Lululemon grâce à J-L et ma petite soeur. Ça fait des années que je veux du linge Lululemon !!! Évidemment, je vais ajouter de mon argent pour pouvoir avoir un suit !
  • Pour payer mes vacances, j’ai roulé mon change et sorti tout ce que j’avais dans mes banques. J’avais 850$ ! Wow.

What do I bring in Ottawa ?

We are going to Ottawa this weekend for my boyfriend’s goddaughter’s birthday. She is turning 5 !

It will be our first trip where we sleep somewhere for more than one night. I find this so romantic. But I don’t know what he thinks. He comes from there so maybe it’s not really adventurous or wonderful for him. I sure hope he is excited to go with me and visit. I hope we have a great time and that we get along.

I should ask him what his expectations are except for visiting a bar that has something to do with Hitchhiker’s Guide to the Galaxy. I am going because I have to do what he wants sometimes. Right ? If it were up to me all we would do is read, take pictures, walk, clean, cook and go grocery shopping. I’m a solitary person and he’s a very sociable person. He needs to go out and meet people. I don’t. There is nothign wrong with being fine alone. I have friends but I don’t need to see them every week.

He’s not a big planner and I am.

So what do I bring in Ottawa…

  • An umbrella because it might rain Monday ok
  • 3 pairs of panties ok
  • My support shorts so my thighs don’t do couic-couic by rubbing together ok
  • A skirt ok
  • A cardigan ok
  • 3 tops ok
  • A nightie ok
  • Toothbrush and toothpaste ok
  • Face and body cream ok
  • Mascara, powder, sunscreen ok
  • Shampoo. conditioner ok
  • Comb ok
  • Soap and face cleaner ok
  • Black pantashort ok
  • Flip-flops ok
  • Running shoes ok
  • Guides for restaurants ok we printed the addresses
  • Train tickets and room reservation number ok
  • Gift and card J-L is taking care of it
  • Money ok
  • Android Karenina ok
  • Laptop ? no
  • Camera ok

I hope the cake is as good as last year’s. It was a Cinderella cake and it was fabulous.

I’m kind of anxious about this trip. What if we discover we can’t get along while visiting ? What if we get bored of each other ? What if we don’t think alike on the money to spend at restaurants and can’t find places we both want to eat at ? What if we have nothing to say to each other ? Anyway. I worry for nothing. Everything will go fine, we will have fun and we will come back even more in love. We will laugh and kiss and fart glitter and see rainbows and unicorns. 🙂

That man is so patient and easygoing. Nothing can go wrong. Right ?

Tristesse

What if I messed up my life and I don’t get another chance ? What if I didn’t mess up but nothing else happens ? What if I didn’t mess up and I don’t see things when they happen and I really mess up ? What if I never feel « enough », ever.

She was so afraid of having this boring life forever. Getting up each morning to feed the cats and the fishes. Then eating whatever was in the fridge. Getting to work by this long bus ride, leaving her seat for an old woman or anyone she thought needed it. Working unappreciated by her workplace and her colleagues. Getting back home, an half-hour wait for the bus and almost another hour of bus ride. No time for a class, no time to go out.

She thought that meeting the One would start her life. Surely it would, right ? Instead of going out, taking classes, going to the gym, she just sat in front of the computer every night, hoping that someone, anyone would get online and chat with her. She even subscribed to Those Websites.

She did meet some men through the site. But instead of being a realist and seeing things as they were (going nowhere) she just kept hoping that these men would come back after having had sex with her (on the first night). So she never met this One she so desired.

Instead she gave money to her ex, bailing him out every time he needed it, saving her weekends for him even when he had a girlfriend. Then she was mad at him for choosing his girlfriend over her.

It looked like a dog chasing his own tail, turning round and round, the rest of the world a blur.

As Einstein said, don’t expect a different result by doing the same thing over and over again.

Être capable de dire "Non"

8 novembre 2007

Hm. No one has ever said I could say it and I had every reason to say it. No one has ever said I had to defend myself and I could.

Saying no is difficult, I feel guilty and I’m always afraid that I might be at the receiving end of an extended arm going very fast. Why ? I don’t know. maybe because it happened often enough home when I was little. Just because. Not because I said no, I hardly said anything.

My parents always said I had to be careful with strangers. But no one ever told me that I had to be careful with people I know. My parents never told me. Maybe because they would have been the first I would have looked at as « a bad person ». I did go to the school counselor when I was in junior high but even if I had a lot to tell, I just couldn’t talk. No words came out after « I want to change houses ». I just couldn’t talk.

I often feel the same way again. I can’t talk. I can’t cry. When I talk too much it’s because I hope what I say will fall in someone’s ear, any ear just as long as my words find someone who will truly listen to me. Not like my family.

Saying no requires being angry. And being angry isn’t well seen for a woman. A woman can’t be angry in public or even in private. It isn’t polite or lady-like. I have a lot of difficulty with my anger. I stifle it until it explodes and it usually is too late. I am trying, I’m better at feeling it. Last year I didn’t feel a thing, ever. Not a feeling, ever. Everything was buried deep.

Now I do feel anger. I can say no. But I feel like a bad person. I don’t want to reject someone, hurt the person. But I have to don’t I ? I can’t just do everything people want me to do. I can’t be what people want me to be.

Being myself is saying no. Being myself is difficult and it makes me feel guilty, angry and afraid.