En couple ou célibataire: dans les deux cas, suis-je heureuse? Alone or with my bf am I happy ?

YES. To both.

I’m not single anymore but when I was I was very happy. Now that I’m with J-L, I am as happy. If I wasn’t, I wouldn’t have a baby.

I loved being single because I did whatever I wanted when I wanted and when I decided to clean, everything was done the way I liked and all in the same day. I liked doing things for me, not having to think of someone else.

Now that I’m in a relationship (for 3 years and a half), I’m very happy. I love that he comes back after work and we get to tell each other inane things about our days. I love how he loves me and I mostly love that I love him and have never stopped since I met him. I love making him laugh, cuddling, cooking things I think he will like. He is a friend, a husband and a lover…oh and he doesn’t mind if we don’t have tons of sex. Very good. Because 34 weeks pregnant, it isn’t getting easier. It’s even more of a bother. But all those little kisses and hugs and huge smiles, it’s what makes it so worthwhile.

I’m grateful he’s there because I wouldn’t be able to do it all alone : manage the bobo, the pregnancy, the neuronitis…

Tristesse

What if I messed up my life and I don’t get another chance ? What if I didn’t mess up but nothing else happens ? What if I didn’t mess up and I don’t see things when they happen and I really mess up ? What if I never feel « enough », ever.

She was so afraid of having this boring life forever. Getting up each morning to feed the cats and the fishes. Then eating whatever was in the fridge. Getting to work by this long bus ride, leaving her seat for an old woman or anyone she thought needed it. Working unappreciated by her workplace and her colleagues. Getting back home, an half-hour wait for the bus and almost another hour of bus ride. No time for a class, no time to go out.

She thought that meeting the One would start her life. Surely it would, right ? Instead of going out, taking classes, going to the gym, she just sat in front of the computer every night, hoping that someone, anyone would get online and chat with her. She even subscribed to Those Websites.

She did meet some men through the site. But instead of being a realist and seeing things as they were (going nowhere) she just kept hoping that these men would come back after having had sex with her (on the first night). So she never met this One she so desired.

Instead she gave money to her ex, bailing him out every time he needed it, saving her weekends for him even when he had a girlfriend. Then she was mad at him for choosing his girlfriend over her.

It looked like a dog chasing his own tail, turning round and round, the rest of the world a blur.

As Einstein said, don’t expect a different result by doing the same thing over and over again.

10 chansons préférées

Oh…je sais, je sais, celle-là…Okay attends…Euh…Me semble que je l’aimais celle-là ?…Oh boy, qu’est-ce que ça va dire de moi…ah oui, celle-là…Bref, ça doit faire 20 minutes que je regarde ce que j’ai sur itunes. Okay, là, ça fait une heure…

Bon, j’ai 28 chansons que j’aime vraiment beaucoup. Je vais tricher et en metter 10 sur mon autre blog, héhé.

Voyons voir…J’ai pas le choix, ça me prend une liste de chansons anglos et une liste de chansons francos.

Je dois dire que je suis étonnée de voir que la plupart des chansons ont rapport avec mes ex ou avec mon enfance.

  1. If I Were Your Woman / Gladys Knight and the Pips : Quand j’ai découvert cette toune-là, je la chantais plusieurs fois de suite par jour, à tue-tête, bien sûr. C’était pendant ma période de célibat et des chasteté, je pense.
  2. Dreams / Fleetwood Mac : Cette chanson-là a marqué ma vingtaine. Je me rappelle la première fois où je l’ai entendue. C’était dans la chambre d’un de mes colocs. On était une gang à écouter de la musique pendant qu’ils fumaient. M.T. était là et cette chanson-là va toujours me faire penser à lui. Quand je l’écoute, j’ai l’impression qu’il pleut. La chanson a été reprise par The Corrs sur un disque hommage à Fleetwood Mac, Legacy.
  3. Like it or not / Madonna : C’est la chanson de mon indépendance et de mes phases Fuck You. J’adore cette chanson-là parce que ça met des mots sur ce que je pense : Je suis qui je suis, that’s it.
  4. Sarasa / Susheela Raman : C’est la chanson qui a fait que je me suis mise à écouter les disques de Putumayo et la musique internationale.
  5. If You Were a Carpenter / Dolly Parton & Joe Nichols : J’ai plusieurs versions de cette chanson, mais celle-ci est celle que je préfère parce qu’elle est enjouée. Quand j’étais petite, Ma Soeur et moi étions fascinées par Dolly Parton…je vous laisse deviner pourquoi. C’est une version country et ça doit me venir de mon père qui trippe country.
  6. One / Johnny Cash : J’avais demandé à Y. de me faire des CD et j’ai écouté ces cd-là à répétition et je trouvais des messages cachés partout. J’aurais donc aimé que Y. m’ait choisi ces chansons-là pour m’envoyer un message pour vrai…Quand je veux penser à lui, j’écoute ses CD. J’étais surprise de trouver cette chanson-là dans ses compilations…punk. J’avais aimé la version de U2, mais celle de Johnny Cash est émouvante à cause de sa voix. Frissons.
  7. Way Back into Love / Hugh Grant and Drew Barrymore : Oui, je suis quétaine. Mais, bon, j’aime les comédies romantiques et j’aime Drew Barrymore et pendant ma période de célibat, le soundtrack de Music and Lyrics m’a donné de l’espoir et de la joie.
  8. Anyone at all / Carol King : Encore une chanson de trame sonore. Je trippe sur Meg Ryan et j’ai écouté You’ve Got Mail mille fois. C’est la chanson de la fin du film et elle me faisait pleurer chaque fois. Je m’en fous de déjà savoir la fin. C’est comme si la fin pouvait changer, on sait jamais. Alors quand la toune jouait et que je voyais arriver Tom Hanks avec son chien…je braillais. Et je pensais à mes ex que j’aurais aimé aimer plus longtemps. Pis ça me donne l’impression d’être dans The Sound of Music. Allez savoir.
  9. It Wouldn’t Have Made Any Difference / Todd Rundgren : Ah cette chanson-là je l’associe aux ruptures, ça me rend triste. Je l’ai découverte dans le film Almost Famous, un de mes films préférés. Et son autre chanson qui me rend triste je l’associe à l’amitié entre hommes et femmes. J’ai découvert Can we still be friends ? par le film Vanilla Sky.
  10. Slingshots / Morley : Celle-là vient de la trame sonore de Felicity, la série télé. J’avais une période de déprime et Felicity m’amenait dans cet état-là, le genre de funk où je descendais quand je pensais à mes ex. C’était dans la vingtaine et j’étais encore plus nostalgique que maintenant.
  1. Toutes les chances / Mara Tremblay : Au travail, j’écoutais souvent Espace Musique et j’ai découvert Mara tremblay comme ça. Eh bien, cette chanson, me fait penser à mon chum. Amourrrr. Je passe mon temps à penser à toi…J’ai toutes les chances d’échapper mon coeur.
  2. Les oreillons / Tricot Machine : C’est une amie qui m’a fait écouter ça pendant qu’on passait du temps à son chalet et il a fallu que je me retienne de pleurer quand j’ai écouté cette chanson-là. Je pensais à C. mais, je ne suis jamais passée proche de lui dire…mais, j’ai pensé à Y., à M., à ma solitude. Ça fait cent fois que je me rends pas à ton oreille…cent fois que j’t’le dis pas…Grosse émotions.
  3. Fais-moi une place / Julien Clerc : J’ai fait mon spectacle de ballet sur cette chanson quand j’avais six ou sept ans. Mais, c’est le Troll qui est venu me chercher dans les trippes avec ça. C’était tellement pathétique et triste que j’ai craqué. Je pense que c’est la seule fois où il a été honnête et vulnérable avec moi.
  4. Je suis venue te dire que je m’en vais / Carmen Consoli : La soeur de H. est revenue d’Italie avec le CD de carmen Consoli dans ses valises. Je comprends rien à l’Italien mais cette chanson en français a frappé juste. Pour la salope en moi qui a cassé avec bien des hommes sans me retourner…hum. A aussi été chantée par Jane Birkin ainsi que  par Jo Lemaire.
  5. Je m’appelle Solitude / Romane Serda : J’étais curieuse d’entendre le CD de la blonde de Renaud et j’ai été enchantée. Et toute pognée. Aime-moi, aime-moi comme si tu m’avais inventée…Je pensais à l’homme que je voulais rencontrer quand j’écoutais ça.
  6. Montréal / Ariane Moffatt : Encore le Troll. J’avais le coeur qui volait dans ma poitrine quand j’écoutais la chanson qui me faisait vivre l’espoir pendant qu’il était en voyage. Elle est restée une chanson que j’aime parce qu’elle est joyeuse. J’ai des visions d’aéroports ensoleillés.
  7. Saskatchewan / Trois Accords : Okay c’est niaiseux les chansons des Trois Accords, mais je ne peux pas résister à celle-ci. Pathétique, évocatrice, triste. Bouhou.
  8. Et si tu n’existais pas / Doba Caracol : La version est encore mieux que celle de Joe Dassin. Une chanson qui me fait penser à J. D. La chanson des peines d’amour, du romantisme.

Je ne sais plus quoi choisir.

On the Tragic Consequences of being a Singleton

Yes. Indeed. There are tragic consequences to being single for a long period of time. Of course, for women and men, it is not the same but…it is still quite gruesome.

  • « What’s the use of doing this if no one’s gonna see it when you come back home? » Being single, trying to keep your spirits up, you decide on a pedicure, manicure, new hairdo…then someone hits you with the shovel. You might as well stop trying to keep up appearances.
  • « Are you gay? » Huh ? I’M SINGLE !! I haven’t enrolled in the army, in religion or I haven’t switched sides, I am only single, you twit.
  • « Where were you? » Well, it seems I can’t have a life now that I’m single. I should stay shacked up in my apartment, feeling sorry for myself.
  • Guys have told me some stuff…that I also witnessed. It seems that when a guy is single for too long he has trouble switching from paper to skin. 🙂
  • Girls become very intimate with their toys and very fond of their batteries, they have trouble switching from vibrate to thrusting, animated playdates.
  • Eyes become radars plugged to your brain, analyzing everything about any sample of the other sex walking by, shutting all conversation, independent thought and member coordination. Coffee spills, drool, walking into trees, name it.
  • Paranoia sets in about the world being against you : all good men are gone, all great-looking women are married, every single gal smokes and has a cat, guys with gold chains are city workers…
  • You could just as well hug your beach towel or your coat rack after a while. Anything with a bit of softness or plush will do.
  • You come this close to hump a desk or slide on a chair back. It’s all unconscious, your brain tricks you into sending messages around you « IN HEAAAAAT Come and get IIIIT ».
  • When another member of the opposite sex starts talking, you slide your hand around your beer and go up and down, play with your pens, put it in your mouth, lick your lips, stand tall or touch yourself.
  • Some singletons stop washing and go for coffee still smelling of bed, cigarettes or of beer. Eyes crusted, hair in a disarray. A disgrace to us all.
  • Some of them stop caring about clothes and start wearing…sneakers. All the time ! They put on fake logo shirts, jeans with holes, stained clothes…it’s sad.
  • You start going to the same places over and over « just in case » you bump into someone. You don’t know who…but what if. Not realizing that when you go to the same place you only meet the same people over and over again.
  • After a while you start living on a world of « what ifs ». What if it’s the last chance I had ? What if I never meet anyone ever again ? What if I never marry or have children ? What if that cute waiter was the man of my dreams ? What if I wrote to that model and she came to Montreal, and we hooked up ? What if I grew angel wings ?
  • Singles start noticing wedding bands after the end of the first month; couples everywhere at the first week; babies after a couple of months…they become angry, sad, nostalgic, depressed.
  • Girls decide it’s time. They start flirting outrageously and lose their cool, spilling themselves all over the place. Guys think it’s funny, she must be drunk, desperate, they bag her, she becomes the hamburger of the night.
  • Guys decide it’s time and make fools of themselves by croaking, shaking, fainting and end up going to the emergency room. Or they have weird pick up lines that make us laugh so hard that he gets offended and walks away.
  • We become encrusted in our routine. The longer we’re single, the longer it takes to make us do something new, daring, like going on a date. We can’t it’s a week night ! Laundry night ! Have to wash the dog, write my blog, clean the bathroom tiles with a toothbrush.
  • Next time the singleton sees a second toothbrush near the bathroom sink he freaks and tosses it far in the deepest part of the biggest wardrobe.
  • Pubic hair that doesn’t belong to him or her makes him shreeeeeek !!!
  • Holidays in the family are full of shame. Nobody to bring. Nobody to shift the focus of attention. Instead it’s all about : »So when can we expect you to settle down ? » « How long has it been ? Forever? »
  • Singletons have the better-looking plants. They have no one to talk to when they come home from work except their pets and plants.
  • Some become completely insane and start adopting cats, dogs, lizards, bunnies, turtles, fishes. Loneliness produces a very stinky apartment…and a thin wallet.
  • Eating becomes a dreaded time of the day, alone at the table. Planning meals is excruciating. Food goes to waste, nobody to share with, too much in the freezer that you don’t remember, yogurt cups start moving and they have a name of their own, veggies start a revolution in the fridge.
  • Hair takes over. Shaving days are pretty much over. It’s ajungle !
  • Older guys have no one to stop them from buying motorbikes, Mustangs or any thing with wheels they think will get them a girl.
  • Older women will start wearing too much jewelry, too much makeup, and wear clothes intended for younger women, getting tattoos. Anything to attract butterflies.

Over all, it’s a tragic life…
Oh, I hear cheese calling my name from the dairy drawer of my fridge. I have to go…

The Don’t Give It Away Like Candy List

Mars 2008 : Ça, c’est mon cerveau; ça, c’est une date; ça, c’est mon cerveau sur une date

So. I had a date ! The guy is on Facebook, nice enough, not very detailed in his emails, can’t even put a picture on his profile. But I had seen him on Zoosk.

Sex, relationships, exes were not discussed online. We decided to see each other at Juliette and Chocolat. Boy was I nervous. He’s Vietnamese, he is a cook, he is learning how to do chocolates, he’s 31, has grown up here in Quebec.

I ordered a milkshake while waiting for him. He arrived late and said (first red flag) « I’m always late ».

We talked and we laughed, we like to read, we have eclectic tastes in music and books, we love to cook (obviously), we both are single and have been for more than a year.

(Second red flag) « One day, I woke up, my girlfriend was at work and there was a letter, she was leaving me. Have not seen her since. »

He invited me to go to the market with him and I said yes. Haven’t been at that specific market in a while. He started buying many things and offered to make me dinner. Didn’t want me to pay for anything. I hesitated but I agreed. He was nice. We went to many other stores : shrimps, oysters, chocolate etc. Nothing was indicating that we were more than friends or would be.

We went at his place. Clean enough, bathroom was clean, the guy has a green thumb. I went to the washroom. (Third red flag, he still has sanitary napkins from his previous relationship…three years ago and more than one toothbrush)

He cooked everything by himself, we drank rum. He was funny and charming. (Another red flag, he says he’s sorry about everything, many times during the conversation, often after I have been complimenting him). Made a pouty face when talking about his ex. (Another red flag, he works between 60 and 80 hours a week) (Oh and he smokes) He says he doesn’t have time to do anything because he works so much (red flag). He says he’s not alcoholic (Red flag he drinks a beer every day and at the end of the meal he was sitting on the floor because he drank too much).

We have things in common with our families too. He studied in Anthropology and dropped out before his Master’s because he loved cooking more than anthropology. He wanted to do something he liked. He’s a perfectionist.

He didn’t want me to leave but I would not stay even on his sofa. He asked for a massage which was okay because, well, it was with his clothes on. It was brief (massage). He is subtle…casually veering me towards The Kiss. Not subtle enough that I don’t see what’s going on. We did eventually kissed and he tried…subtly…to manipulate me to stay. I did miss two buses.

But, really I wanted to go home and my cat wasn’t fed…and I didn’t tell him before this morning (by email) that I had a migraine and was shaking. I told him many times that I wanted to take my time. Before we went to the bus, he asked for my number (yeah, I know, we hadn’t even spoken on the phone), he waited for the bus with me. And he sent me with a doggy bag…and said he wanted to have his tupperwares back.

I became so red he laughed at me. I am supposed to make him pâté chinois next week…if things go well. He called me to make sure I had arrived okay and said many times that he had a nice day. This morning (Monday) he wrote saying he had a great time, loved to kiss me, I do great massages…asked if he made me have nightmares. I said no but I hadn’t told him I had a migraine so I didn’t sleep too well, I am going to look for an acupuncturist. So he didn’t reply after that…Is it because he feels guilty (he says he’s sorry all the time), because he went to work, because he is like my mom and says nothing when someone says they’re in pain ? I said it wasn’t his fault in my email and I hadn’t told him (I thought it would « go away »).

These red flags…they bug me. My Brain. On a date. Exhausting.

Derniel email de B.

I received an email from B. saying that his kid made him too busy to meet women and have relationships. Oh well, it confirmed that « He’s just not that into me ».

Oh and could I give the CDs he lent me to a friend I work with. It made me nervous thinking what I would say when I meet him, and finally he sent an email.

He told me Sunday that he is in the habit of changing his mind so after he told me he would come by work, but I doubted he would come.

I am relieved that it’s over. I wasn’t interested anymore but reading his email still zinged. I felt in my chest the pain of not being wanted, rejected. But it’s okay, after a few moments it went away. And now I’m fine.