Mercredi reconnaissant

Jamais trop tard pour la reconnaissance. J’ai sauté, oublié, le lundi. Pas grave.

1. Merci au chocolat
2. Merci au café
3. Merci à mon chum qui a changé le lit de place tout seul.
4. Merci à mon chum qui a fait de la sauce à spagh et qui a fait toute la vaisselle.
5. Il reste juste 2h à travailler.
6. Ma collègue m’a dit que oui, je suis à ma place et que je suis bonne.
7. Merci la nuit de venir pour que j’oublie la job et le reste pendant quelques heures.
8. Les émissions d’automne arrive la semaine prochaine. Enfin.
9. Mes seins sont en train de se transformer en melons mais, au moins, ils pendent pas comme si j’avais 70 ans.
10. J’ai un pantalon de grossesse. C’est au moins ça !

7:15-17:00

I got at work at 7:15 this morning. I was supposed to leave at 15:30 but we had a meeting and it lasted three hours, from 2 til 5.

That is a very long day and I’m drained.

I’m tired, I was famished when I got home and now my tummy hurts. I think I ate too much. So I’m grateful it’s the end of the week and I get to stay home for three days.

I’m grateful :

1. The week is over.
2. I get my hair cut and my nails done this weekend.
3. I see a friend and we are going to eat a special dessert : chocolate-raspberry pie from Chocobel.
4. We eat outside in the evenings.
5. I get to go to bed in 2 hours if I can wait that long.

Ayoye

Je me suis fait mal hier, je ne sais pas comment. Je pensais que c’était le bobo hebdomadaire de retour mais c’est plus grave.

Résultat : je porte mes pantalons Lululemon pour travailler et je planifie en acheter d’autres.

Je suis fatiguée, c’est sûr. En plus d’avoir mal et de marcher comme une p’tite vieille, j’ai fait des cauchemars la nuit passée ce qui me fait sentir qu’un camion 18 roues m’est passé dessus. Maudit ancien coloc.

Mais, je me dit que c’est une passe ! Ça va aller mieux bientôt !

Liste de compliments

1. Ma boss m’a dit que je suis un ange.
2. Mon collègue m’a dit que j’étais fabulous (je pense que c’est le mot).
3. Ma coiffeuse ne pouvait pas croire que j’ai 36 ans, elle pensait que j’étais plus proche de 25 ans. Quand je lui ai dit mon âge, elle m’a regardé avec un air étonné, la bouche ouverte.
4. L’hygiéniste dentaire m’a félicitée pour mon calme en me demandant où était ma balle anti-stress.
5. Les câlins de mon chum sont un beau compliment, un beau je t’aime.
6. Une collègue m’a dit « qu’est-ce qu’on ferait sans toi? ». Je prends ça comme un compliment, mais si je n’étais pas là…ça serait quelqu’un d’autre.

Not going so well

Oh boy, things aren’t going so well and I have to admit I’m discouraged. I thought things would be better by now. I would be healed quickly like before but it doesn’t seem like it’s happening. I eat better, I exercize, I am more positive than I was 10 years ago. So I thought everything would go well like last time.

I succeeded last time. I evaded major surgery. I ran away from all of this for 10 years and I think it caught me back. I think I have been captured. And I need a plan to get out of this. I need a plan to run away again. I need a plan not to lose my mind.

Every time I’m thinking about this future surgery I think I’m going to hyperventilate.

I went back to the hospital this morning. The doc tried to put in another wick but she couldn’t. So she said I had 2 options and instead of getting on with it…I chose the easiest. I posponed the inevitable. I chose to take baths 3 times a day to make it drain faster. It’s stupid because I was already taking baths twice a day. She prescribed antibiotics and a cream. I have to come back on Wednesday and if it’s not going better, I will have another surgery. I hate this. I hate this so much.

I hate this even more : I have a consult with a surgeon in April for a bigger operation which will keep me out of work for weeks.

I am totally freaking out. I keep thinking of good things like my orchid opening up this morning, my cat that has been letting me cuddle him like a stuffed animal for the last few days, how light mini babybel cheeses taste better than they used to…but. But I just really want to cry. Tears are not coming out as usual. Maybe that Wednesday is going to be the day where I cry like a baby.

I remember 10 years ago when I was alone at the hospital and it hurt so so much. Tears rolling down, sobbing, refrainig from screaming too much. This time wasn’t so bad. At least I knew I had to breathe to make it hurt less and to take something for the pain before and to have a stress ball. And I remember the last time I had to stop going to the gym. I dug a butt hole in my sofa, I was depressed, and negative and life just sucked.

Life is sucky now. Majorly sucky.

So I need a plan and that’s why I stayed home instead of going back to work. So.

Before Wednesday  :

• Baths : morning, after work and before bed.
• Maybe if I go swimming it would count as exercize and I would be in water ? Water with salt and chlorine. No gym because it’s making things worse. But nobody said no swimming.
• Take my antibiotics, use the cream and take probiotics because I don’t want another sort of infection. Blark.

After Wednesday and after the big surgery if I really do need one :

• No gym but I could use my elastics at home. If I let the door or window open I won’t be hot because it’s winter and it’s real cold.
• Maybe I could hold my subscription. I should check for how long I can suspend it.
• I could buy 2 dumbbells. A 8 and a 10 lbs. I could train one side at a time. Of course, by the time I can go back at the gym I will look like one of these abominable, overtrained, asymmetric gym monkeys. Surely there is a way to train my legs and glutes withouth getting sweaty and moving too much. Oxygen has been having those train at home issues, there must be moves easier than lunges and squats. Never thought I would say this but I miss lunges and squats.
• Maybe I can buy a ball to sit on.
• No zumba for a very long while. But I could walk as long as I don’t become hot I guess.
• If I have to stay home for a few weeks, maybe I could work from home ?
• I could make a list of books I want and my boyfriend could pick them up for me at the library.
• I can’t exercize as much as I used to and can’t do cardio as much either so I could cut down meat and drink chocolate milk instead of eating snacks.
• If I have the surgery in April, I won’t be able to go in Milwaukee in May. I could use the money for training while I’m at home. Our learning centre is on the web.
• Sex. Hm. I have to find new positions because things aren’t going well right now and our usual stuff is not working. I need some endorphins and all those feel good hormones to help me go through this.

That’s the plan right now. I don’t feel as powerless and out of control.