1. « Whatever I can get » just ain’t gonna cut it, casual or random either.
2. Better to get rejected now from the start when you talk about yourself than get rejected later after « consideration » on his part and after the deed has been done.
3. Better reject him now than later after the deed’s done. Talk, get to know him. If you feel something wicked this way comes…Adios.
4. Something better IS gonna come around so don’t take the one that makes you feel like shit just because of « Whatifs ». Wait for the one that makes you feel like a woman, that makes you feel secure in the relationship, the one that makes you laugh and that likes you just as you are.
5. Take it like the kickass woman you are and dance around, prance with pride, show off what you got so they know that you got it all : brains, beauty and power. You’re so hot, show it. It’s not only the males that can parade around.
6. Shop around for the one that may not flash that much in public but just might be flashy in more intimate settings. The clothes and abs don’t make the man.
7. Don’t expect the man to have qualities related to his job. Art museum employees are not that much into art, bookshop owners don’t read as much as you think…
8. If you’re looking for money, all you’re gonna find is a wallet.
9. If you’re looking for trouble, it just might find you first. So prance around tastefully, not trashfully. Selling yourself on the net doesn’t show you know what you’re worth, it just shows you’re ready to give it to anyone for points, petting, anything, really.
10. No farmer is going to buy the cow if he can get the milk for free. farmers are no fools. So keep the milk !!
11. Making excuses for his bad behavior is accepting it and accepting that you are worth less than the doo-dah he thinks you are. It is unacceptable, say it and leave.
12. In any given situation (tired of being single, date that didn’t work out, something happened at work, your pet got stolen…) say « Oh, fuck it ».
13. If it doesn’t work have a good cry and yell loudly « OH FUCK IT, fuck them and fuck it all !! ». The « f » word seems to be effective in these cases. You can also say a big Tabarnak with meaning, emphasize it, wear it. Very comfy word when things don’t go the way you want.
14. Don’t do drugs, they fry your brain. Getting tattoos is like playing Oui-Ja with your body and alcohol is the liquid of the Devil. Go facebooking instead. Play sports, read, paint, go for a run…or write a blog post.
15. Think about it, it could be worse !! You could live all alone in a forest with no phone, no internet, no one for miles and miles…or you could get blown-up by a man-made bomb…made by you or you could get food poisoning from your mother-in-law’s food or discover that your Ex cheated on you while you stumbled upon is blog…
16. An Ex wants to come back ? Just say NO.
17. If it didn’t work with the 5 other alcoholics, junkies, depressed, egomaniacs, ninja turtles, why would it work with that one ? Don’t expect different results by doing the same thing.
18. Feeling horny ? Masturbate. Don’t give it out like free candy ! or buy pets at the Human Pets application, it will make you feel empowered.
19. Just say NOOOO dammit. Practice. Sure it makes you feel guilty. Practice at work, with your cat, with your mom (difficult that one), you will become a Master of the NO. No to extra work; No to family functions where they do nothing else but complain, bitch and drink; No to exes; No to your cat on the table; No to sex on the first date or on the table on the first date.
20. You’ve had sex, he doesn’t call back. See Rules 12 to 15.
21. Read « He’s just not that into you » if you have to. Don’t call ! You’re better than that.
22. You’re acting like a psycho, insane female ruled by her hormones ? Well, maybe you are but it’s not an excuse. Stop IT. NOW. Stop writing, stop calling, hounding the guy. Give him space.
23. The guy gives you too much space ? Take it, date. What do you think he’s doing ? Another girl.
24. When on the net, don’t forget : Safety first, kids ! Protect your information as much as possible. if you meet, meet in public. And I do hope he has given you his home phone number ? That you talked more than once before meeting ? That someone knows where you are, with whom and what he’s supposed to look like ?
25. While we’re on the subject of safety…Wear a HELMET, if you go camping put up the TENT…CONDOMS !!!! Even if he is gorgeous and he « looks » safe, he isn’t. A million other women could have thought the same. Do I have to remind you that 75% of people will get HPV in their lifetime and that syphilis and gonorrhea are on the rise again ? And you do NOT want herpes. Be careful with the condom, it won’t protect either of you if not put on properly.
26. He says he doesn’t feel anything ? Put a drop of lubricant in the condom and tell him that not feeling it may help him lasting longer which you like. Tell him condoms make you feel hornier because you feel safer.
27. Dare. Just dare to date someone different than the others, dare smiling at a cute guy, dare to walk away when you feel the guy isn’t clean…You are worth it, don’t repeat the same patterns all over again.
28. While you’re single learn more about yourself. Who are you ? What do you like, what kinds of men do you attract, what men attract you, why do your relationship end and how, how do you really like your eggs…
Why am I writing all this ? I’m tired of repeating it. Plus it may help me remember that I’m a sensational, extraordinary, fantabulous human being that is worth more than most men I end up with and that even if I have been single a while (the longer I’ve been in all my life), someone better will come along.
Oh, fuck it. I’m a kickass woman !!