The Don’t Give It Away Like Candy List

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Attaque de la Libido Géante

27 octobre 2007

My libido was broken and I was supposed to take it to the shop for repair (j’aie voir ça comme ça). The therapist said I should look at my dreams closely and I did. There’s sex everywhere ! My exes are everywhere also.

Now, I have visions of sex even if I’m awake ! I am attacked by ferocious images of sexuality. Okay, it’s more sensuality than sexuality, I really don’t want my mind to wander there…I just may have to eat even more chocolate.

I will have to stay way out of the Alligator’s way and the Cook’s way also. He told me his name this week. His smile makes me want to bite him. I’m turning into a cannibal.

I saw the Alligator yesterday. He was way cuter than I remembered. In my mind he looked like Capitaine Flamme or Albator. I should call him Albator. Okay, well, I was looking at him and wondering what his body looked like under his clothes (he does a lot of sports) while I was telling myself to look away and stop thinking that because there is no way in hell it’s going to happen.

I keep reminding him he has a girlfriend even if I know they are breaking up and he’s moving in a month. This is another way to piss off a man or push him away, put a gigantic « Girlfriend » wall.

I went home, did some cleaning to clear up my mind but all I was thinking about was his hands. Urgh. It’s so much easier being single when the 60 Foot Libido is nowhere in sight. Maybe I should tell the Libido to go away on visit ?

17 avril 2008: Le sommeil me fuit

J’espère que le peu de lumière va me fatiguer les yeux et que je vais finir par être capable de dormir. Le sommeil me fuit beaucoup plus depuis quelques temps. J’aimerais me coucher et dormir, dormir, dormir. J’aimerais que le cadran ne sonne pas demain matin.

Le maudit printemps est là. La maudite saison de l’amour qui rappelle que les humains sont juste des bêtes. Le monde se met pratiquement à poil dès qu’il y a un peu de soleil. Les femmes mettent bas et le produit se répand partout. Des bébés, des bébés. Ils sont partout ces enfants-là, elles sont partout les grosses bedaines pleines.

Moi, j’ai les hormones au plafond. Je fais tout ce que je peux pour que ça paraisse pas que je suis en chaleur moi aussi. Chus rien qu’un animal comme tous les autres. Ça me dégoûte. Ça me dérange ce maudit printemps-là. Mon horloge me démange.

Cette année, je vais être encore plus près de 35 ans. Ça va faire presque dix ans la dernière fois où j’ai été en couple à long terme. Je ne sais plus tolérer les morons, horloge ou pas. J’ai envie de me mettre en colère, de crier, de jurer. Mais…ça se fait pas, voyons. Ce n’est pas gentil.

Et je ne comprends pas trop d’où ça vient cette colère-là. Après tout, je suis bien célibataire, seule. Je suis peut-être en train de perdre la tête après tout. Après toute les bêtises, toute la bêtise que j’ai enduré, après deux ans de thérapie, je craque ?

3 mois sans médicaments, plus voluptueuse et encore célibataire

Mars 2008

I think it’s safe to assume I’m okay without my meds. I’m celebrating my third month without them. At the moment, I’m more « voluptuous » than I used to be and it could be because my metabolism is out of whack. It could be that I finally learned to enjoy food and eating. It could be that I’m still a kid and growing ! 🙂

I am however the strongest and fittest I have been I think. I feel my loneliness more. I am a bit under the weather because my last therapy sessions touched subjects that make me worry about my future. Attachment, money issues, loneliness…

I wonder if I will ever be in a relationship again. A real one. I want kids. Will it be possible ? What if now that I’m more « voluptuous » I start to attract the kind of guys I used to attract ? Fun, intelligent, nerdy, clean and healthy and in shape guys ? Instead of the kind I attracted for the last years as a twig person : assholes, no culture, substance-abuse and dependence, boring guys ? That would be great and too simple.

I compensate with DVDs. I can’t stop renting TV series and spend hours watching them. I do that while doing other stuff at the same time but still… I still enjoy silence and music. But Stargate provides me with something else. I get out of my life. The way books used to do it. They don’t anymore. They bring me back into it.

I’m happy to be without medication. I hope I won’t have to take any in the near future.

16 juin 2008 : Carême Masculin

I have been manfasting for more than a year now. I always say it’s more than a year. But it’s been a year and 3 months. It feels like forever.

I have dated. But it amounted at nothing. I kiss less and less on dates (not at all even) since experience has taught me that no twit is worthy of stopping my manfasting. So I’m waiting to meet the one that will be worth my affections. It hasn’t even been difficult.

Although I have always been with someone since the age of 16, I find that it isn’t as scary as I thought to be alone. It isn’t the end of the world not to have sex, kiss or touch.

I have sex in my dreams at night. It really is not the hot wet dreams you might think it would be after so many months of celibacy. I dream of wanting to do it and being incapable of it, the penetration is impossible or I wake up just before things get really hot.

I am not even missing it. Usually after a period I would be ready to pounce on innocent by-standers. But this year and three months have been really easy, calm, boring. Maybe it’s because no one has interested me enough. I haven’t found anyone sexy, desirable, exciting enough for me to let it all go. They’re either too old, too judgemental, too stupid, not caring enough, not safe enough…

I find it easy to plan a solitary vacation, to spend time with other singles and going there alone, to go to restaurants and cafe alone. I am lonely at times. But when I go to bed at night, I am so grateful not to have to have sex with someone, to share my bed (I have barely, since a few months, started to take up a maximum of bed space) with someone and when I wake up in the morning I am so grateful not to have to make pointless conversation, not to have to rush to the bathroom to wipe dried up drool off my face and brush my teeth BEFORE kissing or share my shower time with anyone (it’s a constant battle for me, my time is planned so that in an hour I have time to take my shower, dress, eat and make lunch and drink my coffee without burning myself. So I’m not eager to wake up earlier to allow someone else in that routine).

I guess that until I find someone interesting enough, hot enough, safe enough, intriguing enough…someone that will still be a mystery after three dates, that will be challenging intellectually and attractive enough physically…I gues that the ManFasting will be easier to end.

Voyage à Québec jour 4

9h45

Je suis à l’église. J’ai allumé un lampion pour demander plus de patience et pour que Ste-Thérèse m,aide à reconnaître le bonheur.

Mes draps ont été remis, mon sac à dos repose à l’accueil. J’ai la journée à perdre. je repars pour Montréal à 16h.

Je me suis rendu compte que chus donc ben toute seule. Mais, hier, au Portofino, je me suis aussi rendu compte ce que pourrait être le célibat pour toujours…des repas au comptoir, des tables où on enlève les ustensiles de la 2e personne. Il y a des choses que j’aurais aimé partager avec J-L.

Je n’ai plus si hâte que ça de revenir à Montréal. le travail, les obligations, le lavage…

Maintenant que je sais que je suis capable de ramasser de l’argent, je vais le faire pour :

  • Manteau d’hiver
  • Dentiste
  • Souliers
  • Autre linge
  • Peinture (appartement)
  • Cadeaux
  • Massages

Il ne fait plus beau aujourd’hui. Il fait plus frais aussi.

La nuit a été agitée. J’ai rêvé à des loups-garous.

14h30

Franchement, ça fais depuis que je suis ici que je regarde le temps passer. Telle heure, on se lève. Telle heure, on mange. Telle heure, il reste tant de temps avant…

Depuis ce matin que je compte les heures avant de partir. Y’a rien de mieux que manger et boire du café pour faire passer le temps.

Je suis nerveuse de retourner à mes affaires.

Vivement des vraies vacances…plus que une semaine, chez moi, à décrocher pour vrai.

Et depuis ce matin, j’entends les chansons du cour de step. Y’est temps d’aller au Y.

LA date

I was so excited I had to get out of the bus before my stop so I would walk off the nerves. I arrived before him and although he said he might be late, he was on time.

Boy is he handsome. He has humor in his eyes. I just wanted to sneak up next to him and hug. Which I did not.

We talked for hours. Unfortunately I talked more than he did because he was asking questions that I had to develop. But I was feeling that I had all the time in the world to ask him more questions…later. There is definitelty « something » between us. I found it easy to talk and laugh. And his body language told me very clearly he was interested. I wanted to know more and more.

I am interested, very much. But I want to take my time. And it might be a problem for him because he would like to see me more than he can but for me, it’s perfect. He has a five year-old son that he sees when he comes back from his travelling. He travels a lot becasue it’s his job. He would like to have more kids if he finds the right woman but his travelling might make things harder.

I had a great time ! But waiting for him to contact me again is painful. I am afraid he’ll change his mind even if we have lots in common. He wants to go walking this Sunday if it’s not raining. I would like that too.

Tsk. Une chance que j’ai pris mon temps. Un rendez-vous n’est jamais assez pour juger quelqu’un ou les chances de faire un bon couple.