Soleil !

Il fait tellement beau ! J’espère que mon jardin va pousser comme l’année passée. 🙂

Il fait tellement beau que je vais revenir à la maison en vélo après le travail. J’ai mis des souliers fermés et j’ai mis des pantalons de gym dans mon sac.

Hier, j’ai suspendu mon abonnement au YMCA pour quelques mois. Je finis par me faire mal quand j’y vais. Et je paie pour rien. Donc, je vais faire du vélo et je vais faire des exercices à la maison. Il faut que me trouve des bons DVDs de yoga…

De A à C, passez par-dessus B

28 novembre 2007

so I went to my meeting this morning. I had a meeting with a nice woman from an organization that helps victims of crimes and I thought I was taking way too much of her time, it lasted two hours. I took the day off to go there and have the day to myself so I could go through my emotions alone if I needed to. But we didn’t really go into details…yeah even in two hours. I got phone numbers, documents, references for places to go to and meet people about this. It’s good, I wanted that.

I guess that’s why I need help. I just circle the subject, don’t really say the words, hint at things, I have trouble really talking about what I lived through. There is just sooo much ! I just can’t get it out and I’m alone with it so I do what I always do when I’m really stressed. I forget. It’s unconscious but my body just finds a way for me to forget or skip over stuff, block out emotions. I can’t talk about it with anyone around me so I have to find ways to cope by myself. Therapy is useful but I’m there once a week and sometimes I should be there every day !

You see, I talked about one of the firsts sexual attacks I had and since then I ate at restaurants more than three times a week, started eating chocolate again, slept more than ten hours once and feel like sleeping more every morning. That’s the way my body and mind works when all my post-trauma wakes up. I eat and sleep. Yoga is good for relaxing but it doesn’t help me spend my energy so I’ll have to go to toning again so I can just grunt the pain away.

I also bought a bra today. Impulse buying. Very big when stressed out. But I really needed a new bra. I keep pushing this aside because shopping for underwear is like going to the dentist. I hate it. So I finally bought a new bra and the lady says I’m a C cup. I can’t beee !!!! Last time I was a C was when I weighed 160. So I have to check what I eat and drink and exercise cause there is no way I’m going back up to 160. NO f*** WAY. (Au moment où je vous copie ça de mon ancien blog, j’ai dépassé le 160 parce que je vais au gym plusieurs fois par semaine alors je suis moins ronde qu’avant). No wonder that guy said I had a nice rack last time…I still thought I was an A. I also wear 38 instead of 34 and 36. Am I blowing up or something ? is it all that unspent sexual energy that goes to my boobs to attract males and populate the planet ? Am I going to look like a pidgeon soon ? I should test if I can put a glass between my breasts or a plate on them as if it was a shelf.

You’re wondering why I’m freaking out at having bigger boobs. AH. Have you tried girl’s clothes lately ? It’s like trying on kiddy clothes. Everything is made for twigs. You can’t have a butt, breasts, round arms or thighs. You can’t be a woman. You have to be anorexic or twelve to fit in what is in stores. OH GOOOD will I have to go shopping in Plus sizes now that my boobs are ten times the size I thought they were ?!

Pfft. It’s good to have some drama in non-existential places of my life. It gets things in perspective. Let’s forget about death threats, police arrests, rapes, harassment, my supposed future and my budget and let’s focus on my weight and boobs size !

I don’t have to complain. Last time I measured, in the last two weeks, I still was pretty okay. But phew…C cup.

Plus forte

Mars 2008

I went to my pilates class this morning. I now keep my alarm clock on every day so I’m able to get up early enough to enjoy morning classes and, of course, the day. Every day I wake up at 7, even on Sundays. Unless I went to bed late and then on Sundays I get up at 9. For the last years I used to sleep all day because I had nothing better to do, I felt lonely and was so depressed with my life. Losing a fiance, a cat and a job plus abuse the same year will do that to you. Starting therapy was really hard on my moral also.

Since I started going back to the gym – after being on house arrest for two years because of an ankle injury – I feel so much better ! I don’t sleep all the time because I have more energy. I feel stronger, more present in my body.

I had taken pilates classes a few years back. I really liked it but I have to give credit to the instructor who was incredible with us. I have started it again a few weeks ago and it does make me stronger. I already have more muscle and a better posture. At least I know when I slouch, bend the spine, etc. The yoga class I take also helps.

Yesterday was my yoga class after work. The instructor just came back from India for a month long class. She says she missed us. Well, we missed her as well ! She teaches with blocks and a belt so we are more careful in our postures. Less accidents. The instructor who replaced her made us practice our balance which is difficult for me because of my ankle. My arch isn’t …arched anymore, so I wobble. I have to do beginner’s balance poses instead.

Being more grounded and solid in my body reminds me of when I had taken a self-defense class. I felt so more confident knowing I could defend myself. It has been a while but I still have the reflexes I developped in that class. I wish I had taken it before that. A friend had offered to pay for this type of class because he knew I had a tendency to be in trouble. But I had refused, I wasn’t ready, didn’t think I needed it that much.

AH.

If I had been more lucid I would have seen how much I needed to do this. It took a 300lbs and 6’3″ guy that I couldn’t get off me to make me angry and afraid enough to take the class. I have never regretted it even if I was shaky in class and had flashbacks. I think it’s the only thing that makes it okay to have flashbacks. Otherwise I could do without. If it didn’t cost this much I would take other classes that interest me.

You learn how to defend yourself when you are abused verbally and physically. There are classes for defending yourself against guns and knives also. Of course, if you get shot then…you’re dead. But if the attacker comes toward you, then you can disarm him/her. Or maybe just injure the attacker. In self-defense, the goal is to punch/kick/render blind and deaf (lol) and then run away. Works with me.

What I love is that I can kill with a pen. And I was the only girl in class who had no problem with the thought of sticking my fingers in the nose or eyes of my attacker. I knew that it could come to that. Now I know how.

Première semaine sans Manerix ! WOUP!

Décembre 2008

Okay so it’s been a week without Manerix. Everything is going fine.
I am so happy about just having to take Topamax for a couple weeks more that I could burst into song !

I have been a bit irritated yesterday. My PMS is a bit mixed up. I started my period on Wednesday instead of Monday and most of my symptoms start two weeks before. But for some reason tiredness and irritation arrived way late. Hep, what can I do ? I went to yoga, it calmed me down a bit.

This week I went to the YMCA three times again. I hurt almost everywhere but at least I don’t hurt where it counts ! lol. My muscles ache but my hips, knees and back are good. And mentally it is really worth it. I need all this loud music, all the moves and efforts and breathing. Our toning instructor wasn’t there…again. We had someone else. I don’t remember his name but he made toning really fun !

Have to go to the Market now.