Not going so well

Oh boy, things aren’t going so well and I have to admit I’m discouraged. I thought things would be better by now. I would be healed quickly like before but it doesn’t seem like it’s happening. I eat better, I exercize, I am more positive than I was 10 years ago. So I thought everything would go well like last time.

I succeeded last time. I evaded major surgery. I ran away from all of this for 10 years and I think it caught me back. I think I have been captured. And I need a plan to get out of this. I need a plan to run away again. I need a plan not to lose my mind.

Every time I’m thinking about this future surgery I think I’m going to hyperventilate.

I went back to the hospital this morning. The doc tried to put in another wick but she couldn’t. So she said I had 2 options and instead of getting on with it…I chose the easiest. I posponed the inevitable. I chose to take baths 3 times a day to make it drain faster. It’s stupid because I was already taking baths twice a day. She prescribed antibiotics and a cream. I have to come back on Wednesday and if it’s not going better, I will have another surgery. I hate this. I hate this so much.

I hate this even more : I have a consult with a surgeon in April for a bigger operation which will keep me out of work for weeks.

I am totally freaking out. I keep thinking of good things like my orchid opening up this morning, my cat that has been letting me cuddle him like a stuffed animal for the last few days, how light mini babybel cheeses taste better than they used to…but. But I just really want to cry. Tears are not coming out as usual. Maybe that Wednesday is going to be the day where I cry like a baby.

I remember 10 years ago when I was alone at the hospital and it hurt so so much. Tears rolling down, sobbing, refrainig from screaming too much. This time wasn’t so bad. At least I knew I had to breathe to make it hurt less and to take something for the pain before and to have a stress ball. And I remember the last time I had to stop going to the gym. I dug a butt hole in my sofa, I was depressed, and negative and life just sucked.

Life is sucky now. Majorly sucky.

So I need a plan and that’s why I stayed home instead of going back to work. So.

Before Wednesday  :

  • Baths : morning, after work and before bed.
  • Maybe if I go swimming it would count as exercize and I would be in water ? Water with salt and chlorine. No gym because it’s making things worse. But nobody said no swimming.
  • Take my antibiotics, use the cream and take probiotics because I don’t want another sort of infection. Blark.

After Wednesday and after the big surgery if I really do need one :

  • No gym but I could use my elastics at home. If I let the door or window open I won’t be hot because it’s winter and it’s real cold.
  • Maybe I could hold my subscription. I should check for how long I can suspend it.
  • I could buy 2 dumbbells. A 8 and a 10 lbs. I could train one side at a time. Of course, by the time I can go back at the gym I will look like one of these abominable, overtrained, asymmetric gym monkeys. Surely there is a way to train my legs and glutes withouth getting sweaty and moving too much. Oxygen has been having those train at home issues, there must be moves easier than lunges and squats. Never thought I would say this but I miss lunges and squats.
  • Maybe I can buy a ball to sit on.
  • No zumba for a very long while. But I could walk as long as I don’t become hot I guess.
  • If I have to stay home for a few weeks, maybe I could work from home ?
  • I could make a list of books I want and my boyfriend could pick them up for me at the library.
  • I can’t exercize as much as I used to and can’t do cardio as much either so I could cut down meat and drink chocolate milk instead of eating snacks.
  • If I have the surgery in April, I won’t be able to go in Milwaukee in May. I could use the money for training while I’m at home. Our learning centre is on the web.
  • Sex. Hm. I have to find new positions because things aren’t going well right now and our usual stuff is not working. I need some endorphins and all those feel good hormones to help me go through this.

That’s the plan right now. I don’t feel as powerless and out of control.

Thinking, thinking and overthinking

The weekend of January 21st 2008 I felt like being alone. I was tired and didn’t want to see anyone. But  a Colleague was going to the beauty salon with me (the last visit was for men so I gave it to him) and I had already said I was going to see him on Friday. But I didn’t feel like it.

I am happy single. I would be happy with a boyfriend I love. But I am not really happy about my relationship with this colleague. He really loves me but I don’t. I am not in love with him. It makes me sad, I feel guilty and annoyed. He treats this relationship like something serious, like something going somewhere and for me, it’s not and it never was going to be serious or going anywhere. Now, we see each other every week and I practically have to reason with him when he begs for me to see him « tonight ». If it were a serious relationship, he would be my boyfriend and I would see him more. But I don’t miss him when we are apart and I make myself see him once a week because he is sad when I don’t. It’s a good thing we don’t have sex  because it would get more complicated.

I know I’m hard as nails about this. But I was clear from the start that he was not my boyfriend, that I would see him only once in a while and it was for affection and we were not going anywhere because he’s way older than me. Even if he has great qualities and meets lots of things that are on my list, some things that are important for me are not met.

Like my therapist says : « Now you find out that a guy can meet lots of your requirements and you can still be unhappy about the relationship. It doesn’t mean that meeting the criterias is a guarantee for love. » Guess not. The guy is nice to me, patient and he likes me a lot. He does make me coffee every morning I wake up with him. But I’m still unsatisfied and bored. I have nothing to talk about with him. I have nothing to talk about with a lot of people. We have nothing in common, really. No amount of activities would make it unboring because I still have nothing to talk about. I tried talking about books but he doesn’t read. He doesn’t watch tv series either. He isn’t interested in abstract art and doesn’t express opinions about anything except at work.

But he sure can talk about his feelings for me which would be quite an event with any other man. And I have nothing to reply because even if I like him, I don’t have the same feeling for him. I am annoyed that this man that could have any other woman and has extraordinary qualities is in love with me. Because I wish him to find love with a woman his age. Because I have to work on myself and I don’t have time for a non-relationship. This is something I already said to him last summer. I refused him for months because we don’t fit together. Now even if he is great I don’t want him. He wants more of me, he has expectations I can’t meet and I don’t want to meet. He wants to see me more, he wants to do things with me, he would like me to love him and he would like to have sex (we can’t because he can’t and I rarely feel like having sex even when I’m aroused because I don’t see the point of having sex with someone I don’t love).

Expectations mean being deceived. Having desires lead to pain. I don’t even know how to end this. Valentine’s day is coming soon and he has plans. Those plans are way bigger than anything I have had on Valentine’s day. I’m unhappy because I don’t see the point in celebrating this and celebrating it that big. He asked me to help him look for places to go and things to do and I did help half-heartedly. I didn’t want to hurt him, I never want to, but those plans make me feel really really unhappy. As much as it is exciting and fun, I don’t want to do this with him. He’s not my boyfriend and he acts like he is and it kills me.

He says he will take what I give but he always asks for more. I can’t live like this anymore which is ridiculous because the guy only wants to be happy with me and he treats me well.