I’ve been decluttering my place, washing clothes, eating, checking out recipes, petting the cat, vacuuming, dusting all at the same time for the last 2 hours. Result ? I am sitting down writing a blog about me walking around looking like the cat-lady (yoga pants, white camisole, green polar vest under a black wool robe), dishevelled, with post-its stuck under my slippers, licorice drooping from my lips. I look frightening. A bit mad, really.
I guess that if neighbors look my way they can also see me dancing while doing all this because I’m trying to select songs for my Happi happi playlist.
Typical Saturday night at my place. Singleton’s night in being entertaining for the neighbors. Typical night for someone who isn’t dating or playing around with someone. Oh shit. I AM Bridget.
At least I’m not downing vodka and singing holding my hairbrush like a microphone…yet. I don’t have the vodka, but I have the hairbrush and the inclination to do so.
I’m trying to think of other things than what I had to talk about in therapy this week. And what I will talk about next week. I’m meeting with someone from an agency dealing with victims of criminal actions. Post-traumatic stress is my middle name and I’m tired of it. It makes it impossible to be intimate, to have real relationships even with friends. It makes it impossible to trust. Knowing what people are capable of and how they can be wimps makes it hard to trust someone to be there.
So I try not to read about it which is really hard. I went to borrow novels again hoping I will be distracted enough. I’m making a happy playlist to boost me up. And going to the gym again tomorrow. I will try Pilates and it will give me something to cross off my to do list. I’ve tried yoga also. Unchartered territory. Who knew that entering a pilates or a yoga class where there are strangers, an unknown instructor, would be so challenging ?
If I could just start cooking, now. But I can’t seem to start. It’s difficult to concentrate on one thing to do so I’m all over the place.
And it’s Saturday…it’s the weekend. I have stopped myself from calling him. It’s best I leave him alone. He doesn’t need me to confuse him and make him sad. I’m so conflicted.
AH. Well, who knew I had the Great Litany on my itune ?? Not making my Happi happi list…going now…maybe I’m going to procrastinate more before doing something…