J'étais là, je n'étais plus là et j'ai dû revenir

7 avril 2008

I thought for many years that I had been sexually abused in my childhood. I had no proof, remembered nothing but had a pattern of abuse since I was a child. I had clues that made me think something had gone wrong at some point. Yet my mom and dad and the rest of the family haven’t hinted at anything and never saw that something was wrong. They never talk about anything that could have happened to me in this sense.

Then I started therapy a couple of years ago and I started talking more to my mom, asking questions and found out she had been a victim of incest. Yet nothing she had said had hinted at that ever, she never even talked to us about « people we would know touching us in bad ways » only about bad strangers offering candy. She only said she had been through it and she didn’t want to talk about it.

In therapy, my therapist said that my mom could’ve transmitted to me her abuse (like a historical print) but I had not lived any sexual childhood abuse myself. It was a relief and I almost stopped thinking about it. Instead of wondering about things often I just focused on other aspects of my life, thought more about my mom’s childhood and wondered who had done that to her.

Then last session, I finally talked about what was painful for me in all the abuse I had lived through, how powerless I had felt and how I was paralyzed and thought I would die.

BABOOM number 1 : it may be that I was transposing on a situation where there was no danger the feelings I had felt on a very real and dangerous situation. Once again in therapy, I was dumbfounded. I didn’t remember anything that made me feel like I was gonna die. The therapist said that I had a remarkable ability to forget events, people etc. It is quite true.

BABOOM number 2 : I talked about infections, feelings I had during intercourse (physical and emotional) and talked more about the abusers…then she said that I may have been a victim of sexual abuse in my childhood. I felt like I would suffocate. Thinking about it I couldn’t remember anything. The therapist asked if I thought about a psychocorporal therapy (not sure I understood correctly) and I said that if I had repressed memories it was probably because I couldn’t deal with it at the time and if I didn’t remember now it was because I still couldn’t deal with it. I had read that memories come back when you’re ready. Therapist said it was right. I don’t know what to do with it. Doesn’t seem to be anything I can do since I don’t remember.

Vrai…ou pas

16 mai 2008

Have you ever thought something to be true to discover it was not ? And then discover you may have been right all along ? If there is a time to eat chips, it’s now and lots of it. Instead I eat butter pecans. Not the same at all…

I have felt like there was something wrong about me for the major part of my life. Not as bipolar wrong. Sexually wrong. There were signs that pointed to sexual abuse from before I was 16 and I always thought « something » had happened but I never had any proof.

Then I learned that my mom had lived something incestuous but she wouldn’t tell what and my therapist said that maybe she had transmitted this to me psychogenealogically. I felt relieved. I have no souvenir of anything happening to me that would explain my feelings and fears. So a psychogenealogical explanation kind of popped the balloon of questions I had over my head.

But tonight, in therapy, I talked about what I lived through and what I felt about my different rapes and abuses and the therapist said that it felt like I was transposing another event onto the events that were happening to me at the time. I was talking about what I wrote about in a previous story, last week I think. This paralyzing fear of angering the man, of being hurt and of dying when I wasn’t yelled at, tied down or I didn’t have a gun or knife pointed at me. She asked when did I fear for my life. I had nothing to say. But I asked if babies could fear for their lives and she said yes. Then maybe being shaken and yelled at by my dad when I was a few months old could explain it.

Then I continued talking about my stuff. And I told her about my outer body experiences while having sex. I say it’s outer body because I feel disconnected, not there. I talked about the pain I feel when I have sex, the doctors that say it’s psychological, the sexologist I saw. The pain went away but is now present each time I try having sex. Not the same pain.