26 octobre 2007
Am I a control freak ? Are my Martha Stewart magazines alimenting this « thing » ? Is my job a symptom ? Those periods where I go around cleaning, rearranging, organizing, what are those ? And what about those times I just froth at the mouth because my freedom is threatened by a hand at my neck, an expression « my…something », an extra toothbrush without the extra love, future plans…
Well, I guess it’a all part of the nature of the beast…me, the control freak. (Head bent, rounded shoulders, urgh.)
It seems that all those problems (needs) I had growing up, all those things I thought were because (maybe) I was retarded, autistic, weird, weeeeeeell, it’s all because I wanted to control. Mommy put me on the potty too young, all those expectations, the pressure, the joy when I did something (that I couldn’t even control because I was too young) well, it made me…Anal ! Ah ! I love that word…giggle.
So every time someone wanted me to do something I wouldn’t, couldn’t, until the time I decided I could and would. It could take years because no one would leave me alone.
Urgh. It’s still the same. I still hate it when someone tries to control me by whatever way. Sometimes the person doesn’t want to control me but I feel like this person wants a part of me and I WON’T GIVE IIIIIIIIIT !!!
Oh I don’t organize my closets by alphabetical order, I don’t even paint my walls correctly. I don’t even clean perfectly ! You know why I didn’t paint my painting workshop yet ? Because I can’t decide. No colour seems right and…because people won’t stop bugging about painting the damn room. It’s not making me unhappy that the room is unpainted after five years. I don’t even see the walls any more.
People who always have comments on the way I dress are received very coldly. I feel like I can’t escape their radar. Sometimes some people try too hard : nagging, coaxing, joking…They are met with a lot of resistance. I start liking someone because there is a distance. Then the person approaches and starts acting like she owns me and I freak out. Arms flailing, legs kicking, mouth spitting (it’s an image here). Doesn’t help that most males who approach me are Alpha males who want to dominate and I will not accept this so I run for the hills !
Some rare friends have been able to make me stay put. That’s because they are very discreet, a bit distant, they call once in a blue moon. Some forget they have friends. The nicer relationships I had, in love, were with guys who just let me be, let me make the moves. Oh and there was no future. Great huh ? No wonder I’m in therapy. I entered for a burnout and I’m still there !
I guess these control issues gives me the power to make people happy or disapproving or very angry. Mostly I make people insane. Even in friendship guys have been wanting to get a hold on me and I bite, I resist. It makes them angry and they try to gain control, then we have a struggle and no friendship. In love, it’s the same. I can’t handle giving myself up to someone and it’s the way it feels.
Gun in my back, I would surrender to a new boyfriend in the name of love. I don’t even believe I can fall in love at this point ! Oh…another control thing. I can’t handle releasing my emotions, they will overpower me, I will be submerged by their force ! The only times I really cry is in the psychologist’s office. I can’t cry anywhere else, nowhere’s safe enough. Except my bed. I haven’t really cried since 2004. And then, I cried for very short periods, it wasn’t the dramatic sobs, overflowing tears, snot and bubbles. It’s dry cry. Yeah, dry cry.
How am I ever going to get out of this ? No trust, can’t release control of my emotions, don’t believe in love (it’s all hormones and biology) and rarely has a glimpse at the future ! Wouhou am I a catch !
I believe in love once you get past the hormones stage. It’s the hormones and biology that gets off my rocker. I can’t do hormones. It doesn’t sit well with my control issues. Don’t get me started on trust. And my future ! I just got one. I don’t even know what to do with it !! Well, biology seems fun.