Décollement du placenta

I had another ultrasound yesterday. I can’t find a translation for décollement du placenta which is what is causing my bleeding.

So I have a décollement du placenta and istead of having a round « bag » it is now pear shaped. The shape was weird to me but I saw other ultrasounds and it’s common.

My boyfriend was very excited to see the heart beat and won’t say this is worrisome. He was very proud that the doctor congratulated him.

The doctor said to not get attached before 12 weeks. I know. Before 3 months, it is very common to miscarry.

I hope it sticks until my real appointment with the obgyn.

Journée de m****

Veux-tu ben me dire ce qui se passe depuis la semaine passée ? Je suis sur le bord de manger mes écouteurs !

Ça n’avance pas, il y a plein de bugs. ARGH

Je suis très irritée. J’ai bien de la misère à voir du plaisir dans ma vie présentement, et pourtant, tout va bien sauf au travail. Plein de bugs. Va falloir que je relaxe un peu, là. Prendre mon mal en patience.

Liiiibreeeeeeee !!

31 octobre 2007

After 13 years thinking I had a criminal record, I found out I don’t have one !! Wouhouuuu ! I don’t remember the last time I called as many people on the same night.

Of course I had competition with my good news. My Sister announced today that she is going to have a boy. So as usual we didn’t talk much about my stuff when I phoned my parents. More than that, now I have pressure for coming home…

Ahahahahhhhh…diabolical laugh here…I am freeeeee !!! I am not going back home. It could be viewed as obstinacy and I guess there is a part of obstinacy in this but I am not going to any family meeting where My Sister is. We really have a communication problem and she said that, maybe, she’s going to talk about it on her death bed. So be it. Meanwhile I’m going to have fun elsewhere.

Hehehehe this criminal record (supposed) was a stain. I was the bad daughter even if I did everything right. Even if was there and I endured what they did and said. Now, I don’t have to feel bad and guilty anymore ! I am stain-free. I paid my debt a very long time ago and now, I can say AH I have no consequences anymore.

This feels even better than avenging myself.

I have felt in prison and guilty for years because of this record, because of my family, because of my illness. Now, I’m finally breaking freeeeeeeeee !!!

I feel like a baby running away without a diaper.

Sois gentille

Je viens d’une famille ou c’est bien de sourire et de ne pas avoir d’émotions telles que la colère, la tristesse, l’irritation etc. Ma mère me dit encore « Tourne ta langue sept fois avant de te taire ». Vous avez bien lu : avant de te TAIRE. Ce n’est donc pas si surprenant que j’ai été diagnostiquée bipolaire et que j’ai eu des relations si malsaines.

Puisque ce n’était pas bien de dire combien j’étais mal à l’aise ou malheureuse à cause de ce que les gens disaient ou faisaient, j’aigissais comme si tout était beau. Plus encore, j’ai fait confiance à quelqu’un près de moi et j’ai été violée et j’étais incapable de dire autre chose qu’un petit « non, ce n’est pas une bonne idée ». Je ne pouvais pas me résoudre à ne pas être gentille et à me défendre physiquement. Ce n’est pas gentil, je pourrais déplaire. J’ai donc réprimé mes émotions et « oublié » les évènements.

Ma mère a toujours dit aussi  » On fait son lit comme on se couche » ce que mon esprit a traduit comme « ce qui se passe c’est ta faute alors démerde-toi ». Je ne parlais donc jamais de mes problèmes, j’essayais de tout régler moi-même

Ma mère n’intervenait jamais non plus entre Ma Soeur et moi comme si « soyez des bonnes p’tites soeurs » suffisait à faire de nous des humains civilisés, à régler nos chicanes. a sister. On n’a jamais réussi à s’entendr,e on ne savait pas comment ! Elle est méchante, égocentrique   et m’a humiliée plusieurs fois en public. Moi, je ne disais rien pour NE PAS l’humilier ELLE.

Je ne suis plus gentille. Je romp mes relations plus vite que Lucky Luke quand je ne suis pas heureuse, que le gars est salop ou que l’amie est bitch. Je m’affirme FORT. Je n’ai pas vu Ma Soeur pendant 2 ans de 2006 à 2008 et ça m’a fait beaucoup de bien. Ne plus aller dans les fêtes familiales m’a fait énormément de bien aussi.

Control Freak

26 octobre 2007

Am I a control freak ? Are my Martha Stewart magazines alimenting this « thing » ? Is my job a symptom ? Those periods where I go around cleaning, rearranging, organizing, what are those ? And what about those times I just froth at the mouth because my freedom is threatened by a hand at my neck, an expression « my…something », an extra toothbrush without the extra love, future plans…

Well, I guess it’a all part of the nature of the beast…me, the control freak. (Head bent, rounded shoulders, urgh.)

It seems that all those problems (needs) I had growing up, all those things I thought were because (maybe) I was retarded, autistic, weird, weeeeeeell, it’s all because I wanted to control. Mommy put me on the potty too young, all those expectations, the pressure, the joy when I did something (that I couldn’t even control because I was too young) well, it made me…Anal ! Ah ! I love that word…giggle.

So every time someone wanted me to do something I wouldn’t, couldn’t, until the time I decided I could and would. It could take years because no one would leave me alone.

Urgh. It’s still the same. I still hate it when someone tries to control me by whatever way. Sometimes the person doesn’t want to control me but I feel like this person wants a part of me and I WON’T GIVE IIIIIIIIIT !!!

Oh I don’t organize my closets by alphabetical order, I don’t even paint my walls correctly. I don’t even clean perfectly ! You know why I didn’t paint my painting workshop yet ? Because I can’t decide. No colour seems right and…because people won’t stop bugging about painting the damn room. It’s not making me unhappy that the room is unpainted after five years. I don’t even see the walls any more.

People who always have comments on the way I dress are received very coldly. I feel like I can’t escape their radar. Sometimes some people try too hard : nagging, coaxing, joking…They are met with a lot of resistance. I start liking someone because there is a distance. Then the person approaches and starts acting like she owns me and I freak out. Arms flailing, legs kicking, mouth spitting (it’s an image here). Doesn’t help that most males who approach me are Alpha males who want to dominate and I will not accept this so I run for the hills !

Some rare friends have been able to make me stay put. That’s because they are very discreet, a bit distant, they call once in a blue moon. Some forget they have friends. The nicer relationships I had, in love, were with guys who just let me be, let me make the moves. Oh and there was no future. Great huh ? No wonder I’m in therapy. I entered for a burnout and I’m still there !

I guess these control issues gives me the power to make people happy or disapproving or very angry. Mostly I make people insane. Even in friendship guys have been wanting to get a hold on me and I bite, I resist. It makes them angry and they try to gain control, then we have a struggle and no friendship. In love, it’s the same. I can’t handle giving myself up to someone and it’s the way it feels.

Gun in my back, I would surrender to a new boyfriend in the name of love. I don’t even believe I can fall in love at this point ! Oh…another control thing. I can’t handle releasing my emotions, they will overpower me, I will be submerged by their force ! The only times I really cry is in the psychologist’s office. I can’t cry anywhere else, nowhere’s safe enough. Except my bed. I haven’t really cried since 2004. And then, I cried for very short periods, it wasn’t the dramatic sobs, overflowing tears, snot and bubbles. It’s dry cry. Yeah, dry cry.

How am I ever going to get out of this ? No trust, can’t release control of my emotions, don’t believe in love (it’s all hormones and biology) and rarely has a glimpse at the future ! Wouhou am I a catch !

I believe in love once you get past the hormones stage. It’s the hormones and biology that gets off my rocker. I can’t do hormones. It doesn’t sit well with my control issues. Don’t get me started on trust. And my future ! I just got one. I don’t even know what to do with it !! Well, biology seems fun.