P’tite date d’après-midi

Cet après-midi, j’ai une date avec mon chum ! On va aller manger des hamburgers chez Cheeburgers et on va aller voir Hunger Games au cinéma. C’est la première fois qu’on va être sans le bébé en un mois. Première date de parents !

J’ai fait une liste de sujets à discuter avec la marraine qui vient garder bébé. J’ai sorti 20$ pour qu’elle puisse se commander quelque chose. Tout est prêt. Elle arrive juste dans 45 minutes mais je suis douchée, habillée, mes dents sont brossées. Les biberons sont au frigo en ordre : le premier en avant est celui qui doit être bu en premier, etc.

Je lui ai sorti ma théière pour qu’elle se fasse du thé. Je lui ai mis des snacks pas santé sur la table.J’ai sorti un pyjama long pour le bébé et un autre tissu pour le changing pad.

Elle voudrait qu’on revienne juste quand on veut mais ça aurait pas d’allure ! Mes seins exploseraient. Je vais allaiter avant de partir et tirer mon lait en revenant. De midi et demi à 17h quelques sans allaiter…oh boy.

Only 3 posts until the end of Nablopomo

3 posts including this one until the end of Nablopomo. I don’t know if I will be able to post much in February once the baby arrives.

I can say I have been so lucky that I have gone through my pregnancy without much trouble. I am only starting the uncomfortable stretch where it hurts, it feels like being outside my pyjamas is not normal, sleep is full of un-nightmarish nightmares (I wake up all sweaty from a dream that doesn’t feel like it’s a nightmare), I’m tired, I’m impatient, all I want to do is eat.

I started drinking more coffee again. There was a risk of premature birth but now that I’m in 38th week, the risk is not there anymore.

I worry about contractions. I keep wondering if what I’m feeling is a contraction or the baby moving or what. I will know when it happens. But until then…

What I won’t miss :

  • snoring
  • drooling when I sleep (more than usual)
  • stuffy nose
  • colds
  • not being able to bend at my waist
  • people treating me like I’m made of glass
  • being so damn  hot all the time
  • sweaty feet
  • having to pee a million times a day

What I will miss :

  • people leaving me their seat in the subway
  • all the alone time in the world
  • feeling the baby inside me
  • having a good excuse for having a big round belly
  • luxurious hair
  • beautiful nails
  • leg hair that doesn’t grow

What I’m looking forward to :

  • eating brie
  • eating sushi
  • drinking 3 cups of coffee a day
  • going back to my more intense training
  • seeing my bf with the baby
  • seeing the baby for the 1st time
  • counting toes and fingers
  • hearing his voice
  • watching him sleep
  • long walks with the baby and the daddy

Nouvel ordi !!

Mon mac a décidé de rendre l’âme. Je n’ai plus internet..sniff.

J’ai donc acheté un nouvel ordi ! En attendant que mon chum configure la bête, je lui emprunte le sien. Je ne vais probablement pas écrire beaucoup tant que mon nouvel ordinateur ne sera pas prêt.

Ce sera mon premier ordinateur acheté avec mon argent. Je suis fière de moi.

Lundi reconnaissant / Grateful Monday

C’est mon premier Lundi reconnaissant ! Voici une liste des choses pour lesquelles je suis contente, fière, etc.

  1. J’ai un emploi
  2. J’ai fini mes travaux de psychologie
  3. J’ai assez d’argent dans mon CELI pour en transférer dans mon compte et acheter des lunettes et payer mon cours de psychopathologie
  4. Mon chum me respecte et m’aime
  5. J’ai plein d’affection
  6. Mon chat ronronne très bien maintenant
  7. Noël s’est bien passé parce que je m’en foutais un peu !
  8. J’ai trouvé du beau linge chez Reitman’s et Winners, très coloré
  9. Mon nouveau top rose me fait super bien et il est confortable
  10. Premier cours de zumba de 2010 ce matin, 6h45 !! 🙂

1982 : Je sais enfin faire du vélo

After years of being teased and coaxed I finally got on a bike and rode it without help, by myself. I was seven years-old, late again.

My Sister was already on a bike and I was still with trainer wheels. I couldn’t do anything right the first time, everything took so much time and effort. And the more people tried to help, the worse it was. I was afraid of everything, and it seemed like my family’s expectations were the worse.

So One night, Denis, my mother’s friend, brought his old bike with a banana seat. Said it wasn’t new but he would give it to me if I wanted it, I could try it. While everyone was inside and My Sister was doing her numero de charme, the street was quiet and no one was around, I just started pedalling. A great push and just couldn’ t stop. I finally felt free !!

My heart was beating hard, my eyes were dry and my hands were sweaty, I was tense but freeeee !!!

I rode and rode…in circles. Our street is a terrasse, it’s a big round and I didn’t have permission to get out. Anyway, I didn’t know how to brake ! What if a car arrived ? What if I fell ? So I continued and I was giddy.

But I couldn’t wait to tell them I could ! I could !!

So I just bumped in a car parked in our driveway, fell and ran to tell the adults. They didn’t believe me. They never did. So I showed them. It wasn’t the same, I had trouble.

But I knew I could !

1983: Premier « tour d’avion »

I was an unpopular kid, always teased. I cried easily because I was hypersensitive to sounds and touch. I wanted to be wanted, loved, appreciated. I didn’t have many friends and didn’t know much at that time about kissing. We played barbecue tag which meant if I got caught I had to give a kiss. Yuk !

His name was Philippe Tremblay, he lived a couple of streets away, blonde with blue eyes like Anthony, Candy’s prince on TV’s saturday cartoons. He was one of the popular kids.

One day, out of the blue he asked me if I wanted to come for an airplane ride. I was quite puzzled. I didn’t know he owned a plane. I had never been on one. I said I had to ask my mother. He looked at his friend Dominic and then I wondered what he was really talking about. But I said ok. It was Philippe Tremblay !

That evening we met behind the polyvalente, the high school. There was a lot of space back then for kids to roam in, it was all high dried grass. Dangerous in summer, many fires started there. Dominic was there and I was asking myself what the deal was. I had to get back home in a bit before the sky darkened.

That’s when Philippe explained that an airplane ride was a french kiss (I didn’t know what that was either anyway) and it was a kiss with tongue. It was called an airplane because you had to turn your tongue around. Well, okay, let’s try.

As Dominic stood there as a witness to Philippe’s exploits, I just stood in front of Philippe (I was very short and he was taller than me), put my arms around his neck as he instructed me and we had a go at french kissing. I remained intrigued by the softness of his tongue and the procedure but very grossed out anyway. What was the point of this exactly and why with me ?

And I still wonder why he asked me. Was I a hamburger like any other, ready to be consumed ? Did he ask Marie-Claude, Sonia and Isabelle and had they refused knowing what would be their fate or had they had their turn ?

I remained grossed out by kissing until I was 16 but I still remember that tongue.

1991: La première fois, PLUS JAMAIS!!

Somewhere in the month of June, I think – I don’t have the exact date- I had sex for the first time. The act itself remained forever printed in my mind but not the actual time it happened.

I was at my friend’s place and I had just learned that a girl doing theater with me had died in a car crash. I felt like the world had stopped turning and things would never be the same.  My friends didn’t quite understand what the big deal was. That girl was in almost all of my classes, she was the nicest of the bitches who ruled the school. She had always been nice to me. I had visions of her singing in our drama presentation.

The night before, while I was babysitting my little sister, I had tried having sex with my boyfriend but it hadn’t worked. So, that night at my friend’s house I did what I did best…something outrageous to annihilate all other feelings of dread, grief or any feelings at all. I decided I would have sex if it killed me.

Oh yeah, sex had nothing to do with feelings. I was sixteen, I was with this boyfriend since the previous summer or fall, I was horny and it just had to be done. I really wanted to get rid of this « thing » so we could get on with our lives.

I really had a good boyfriend. He had never pressed me for it. It was all my idea and I did rush him into it. We had been fooling around for months and if at first I really hated kissing him, I now couldn’t keep myself from him. My hormones were raging, as soon as doors closed or adults turned their backs I was all over him.

The thing is we never even saw each other without our clothes except for our shirts and we hadn’t even touched the other really…intimately. We knew all there was to know about our respective chests and backs, all about our lips and hands and arms and necks and ears and bellies but…we never even grabbed bare ass !

So as my friend Julie went in her room with her boyfriend, I did my Devil with my own boyfriend coaxing him into having sex. I must say it wasn’t very difficult. Julie’s brother was gone so we got into his room quietly and proceeded to take our clothes off. Then I climbed into the bed.

Sweet Jesus, it was a water bed. Everything was moving and we couldn’t move without a counteraction. As he climbed on top of me and I closed my eyes, I began to feel veryyyy nervous. I was also already veryyyyy excited. When I touched his penis I was very surprised. I realised then that we had never touched each other…anyway, I guided him but as soon as he came near me his weight made the bed move under me. It just prolonged my agony. I really wanted him.

Then he finally came close enough to penetrate me and it hurt so much that I bit my lip to keep from screaming. It must have shown because he retreated a bit, he wanted to go slowly. So then…I said to go ahead, just do it. Tsss. AYOYE. My legs were straightened, my feet were gripping the bed boards, my hands were gripping the sheets and I felt I wasn’t there anymore. I came back and went again.

I was feeling hot and cold at the same time and I was really wishing it was over. And when it was I did what would be my trademark…I went to the bathroom immediately. Even for all my reading I didn’t expect it to be something leaking except blood. Oh there was blood and more than was expected mixed with something else, what was it ? In my mind all of it had lasted a couple minutes but it had lasted more than that, enough for him to ejaculate ( a fact I would learn about only years later) so I didn’t think about sperm. I had blood on my thighs, my vagina was hurting, I felt raw and nauseated. My head was spinning and I had cotton-legs. I wanted to barf…it hurt so much !

Oh God, what had I done…I felt a bit dirty.

I went back and proceeded to get dressed. He got dressed also and I said I had better get home (I had curfew). He wanted to talk about it but I said there was nothing to talk about. That is also one of my trademarks…

He watched me go away…on my bicycle. Shit I was thinking, why had I taken my bike that night ? UNGH, I couldn’t even sit on my seat without grunting. When I arrived home, I felt very raw, there was more blood.

I would  spot for a couple more days and I would never talk about this with my boyfriend. I vowed never to have sex again ! When he asked I said no and looked away completely anguished.

We talked about it only years and years later. I talked about that first time, about my illness, about all the times we broke up and made up again. He had had no idea it was that painful.

That water bed ? It made me very mistrusting of water beds. I never want to see a water bed again either !! How can people have sex in a water bed, it wouldn’t stop moving from under me !

Of course, I ended up having sex again with a little bum not long after that so I would get rid of my half virginity. And I bled again, and I bled the time after that too. I was catholic and it just seemed to say : ah-ah.