Somewhere in the month of June, I think – I don’t have the exact date- I had sex for the first time. The act itself remained forever printed in my mind but not the actual time it happened.
I was at my friend’s place and I had just learned that a girl doing theater with me had died in a car crash. I felt like the world had stopped turning and things would never be the same. My friends didn’t quite understand what the big deal was. That girl was in almost all of my classes, she was the nicest of the bitches who ruled the school. She had always been nice to me. I had visions of her singing in our drama presentation.
The night before, while I was babysitting my little sister, I had tried having sex with my boyfriend but it hadn’t worked. So, that night at my friend’s house I did what I did best…something outrageous to annihilate all other feelings of dread, grief or any feelings at all. I decided I would have sex if it killed me.
Oh yeah, sex had nothing to do with feelings. I was sixteen, I was with this boyfriend since the previous summer or fall, I was horny and it just had to be done. I really wanted to get rid of this « thing » so we could get on with our lives.
I really had a good boyfriend. He had never pressed me for it. It was all my idea and I did rush him into it. We had been fooling around for months and if at first I really hated kissing him, I now couldn’t keep myself from him. My hormones were raging, as soon as doors closed or adults turned their backs I was all over him.
The thing is we never even saw each other without our clothes except for our shirts and we hadn’t even touched the other really…intimately. We knew all there was to know about our respective chests and backs, all about our lips and hands and arms and necks and ears and bellies but…we never even grabbed bare ass !
So as my friend Julie went in her room with her boyfriend, I did my Devil with my own boyfriend coaxing him into having sex. I must say it wasn’t very difficult. Julie’s brother was gone so we got into his room quietly and proceeded to take our clothes off. Then I climbed into the bed.
Sweet Jesus, it was a water bed. Everything was moving and we couldn’t move without a counteraction. As he climbed on top of me and I closed my eyes, I began to feel veryyyy nervous. I was also already veryyyyy excited. When I touched his penis I was very surprised. I realised then that we had never touched each other…anyway, I guided him but as soon as he came near me his weight made the bed move under me. It just prolonged my agony. I really wanted him.
Then he finally came close enough to penetrate me and it hurt so much that I bit my lip to keep from screaming. It must have shown because he retreated a bit, he wanted to go slowly. So then…I said to go ahead, just do it. Tsss. AYOYE. My legs were straightened, my feet were gripping the bed boards, my hands were gripping the sheets and I felt I wasn’t there anymore. I came back and went again.
I was feeling hot and cold at the same time and I was really wishing it was over. And when it was I did what would be my trademark…I went to the bathroom immediately. Even for all my reading I didn’t expect it to be something leaking except blood. Oh there was blood and more than was expected mixed with something else, what was it ? In my mind all of it had lasted a couple minutes but it had lasted more than that, enough for him to ejaculate ( a fact I would learn about only years later) so I didn’t think about sperm. I had blood on my thighs, my vagina was hurting, I felt raw and nauseated. My head was spinning and I had cotton-legs. I wanted to barf…it hurt so much !
Oh God, what had I done…I felt a bit dirty.
I went back and proceeded to get dressed. He got dressed also and I said I had better get home (I had curfew). He wanted to talk about it but I said there was nothing to talk about. That is also one of my trademarks…
He watched me go away…on my bicycle. Shit I was thinking, why had I taken my bike that night ? UNGH, I couldn’t even sit on my seat without grunting. When I arrived home, I felt very raw, there was more blood.
I would spot for a couple more days and I would never talk about this with my boyfriend. I vowed never to have sex again ! When he asked I said no and looked away completely anguished.
We talked about it only years and years later. I talked about that first time, about my illness, about all the times we broke up and made up again. He had had no idea it was that painful.
That water bed ? It made me very mistrusting of water beds. I never want to see a water bed again either !! How can people have sex in a water bed, it wouldn’t stop moving from under me !
Of course, I ended up having sex again with a little bum not long after that so I would get rid of my half virginity. And I bled again, and I bled the time after that too. I was catholic and it just seemed to say : ah-ah.