Not going so well

Oh boy, things aren’t going so well and I have to admit I’m discouraged. I thought things would be better by now. I would be healed quickly like before but it doesn’t seem like it’s happening. I eat better, I exercize, I am more positive than I was 10 years ago. So I thought everything would go well like last time.

I succeeded last time. I evaded major surgery. I ran away from all of this for 10 years and I think it caught me back. I think I have been captured. And I need a plan to get out of this. I need a plan to run away again. I need a plan not to lose my mind.

Every time I’m thinking about this future surgery I think I’m going to hyperventilate.

I went back to the hospital this morning. The doc tried to put in another wick but she couldn’t. So she said I had 2 options and instead of getting on with it…I chose the easiest. I posponed the inevitable. I chose to take baths 3 times a day to make it drain faster. It’s stupid because I was already taking baths twice a day. She prescribed antibiotics and a cream. I have to come back on Wednesday and if it’s not going better, I will have another surgery. I hate this. I hate this so much.

I hate this even more : I have a consult with a surgeon in April for a bigger operation which will keep me out of work for weeks.

I am totally freaking out. I keep thinking of good things like my orchid opening up this morning, my cat that has been letting me cuddle him like a stuffed animal for the last few days, how light mini babybel cheeses taste better than they used to…but. But I just really want to cry. Tears are not coming out as usual. Maybe that Wednesday is going to be the day where I cry like a baby.

I remember 10 years ago when I was alone at the hospital and it hurt so so much. Tears rolling down, sobbing, refrainig from screaming too much. This time wasn’t so bad. At least I knew I had to breathe to make it hurt less and to take something for the pain before and to have a stress ball. And I remember the last time I had to stop going to the gym. I dug a butt hole in my sofa, I was depressed, and negative and life just sucked.

Life is sucky now. Majorly sucky.

So I need a plan and that’s why I stayed home instead of going back to work. So.

Before Wednesday  :

  • Baths : morning, after work and before bed.
  • Maybe if I go swimming it would count as exercize and I would be in water ? Water with salt and chlorine. No gym because it’s making things worse. But nobody said no swimming.
  • Take my antibiotics, use the cream and take probiotics because I don’t want another sort of infection. Blark.

After Wednesday and after the big surgery if I really do need one :

  • No gym but I could use my elastics at home. If I let the door or window open I won’t be hot because it’s winter and it’s real cold.
  • Maybe I could hold my subscription. I should check for how long I can suspend it.
  • I could buy 2 dumbbells. A 8 and a 10 lbs. I could train one side at a time. Of course, by the time I can go back at the gym I will look like one of these abominable, overtrained, asymmetric gym monkeys. Surely there is a way to train my legs and glutes withouth getting sweaty and moving too much. Oxygen has been having those train at home issues, there must be moves easier than lunges and squats. Never thought I would say this but I miss lunges and squats.
  • Maybe I can buy a ball to sit on.
  • No zumba for a very long while. But I could walk as long as I don’t become hot I guess.
  • If I have to stay home for a few weeks, maybe I could work from home ?
  • I could make a list of books I want and my boyfriend could pick them up for me at the library.
  • I can’t exercize as much as I used to and can’t do cardio as much either so I could cut down meat and drink chocolate milk instead of eating snacks.
  • If I have the surgery in April, I won’t be able to go in Milwaukee in May. I could use the money for training while I’m at home. Our learning centre is on the web.
  • Sex. Hm. I have to find new positions because things aren’t going well right now and our usual stuff is not working. I need some endorphins and all those feel good hormones to help me go through this.

That’s the plan right now. I don’t feel as powerless and out of control.

C'est officiel, je gonfle !!

Janvier 2008

I went to buy clothes this morning and you have it in exclusivity : I am now wearing size 10 pants ! After having worn size 5 for years. I still wore those size 5 only a few months ago. The store I went to is a store catering the needs of the Stick People where they don’t carry sizes over 12 or 13 for pants but they have lots of size 0. And even if I’m not big I have to wear sizes Large or Extra Large for t-shirts. And I’m a B cup and I’m at around 130lbs.

This morning, my jeans didn’t fit anymore…What is going on ? How can I keep putting on weight when I exercise, I walk, I don’t eat that much ? I eat less junk food than last year ! I haven’t eaten KFC for ages !! I haven’t ordered from Pierrette Patates for more than ages !! I eat more fruits and vegetables. I eat protein and fibres. I don’t drink, smoke or do drugs.

The therapist says that I look better, more healthy and happy people put on more weight. WELL. A lot of people in Hollywood must be very unhappy…