What does between mean to me right now ?
Well, right now, in this moment, I am between being a couple with my boyfriend, being a girlfriend and a mom. Between a couple and a family. I am between being a working woman and a new mom on maternity leave. Between being highly functional and in control and being unsure of my decisions…and let’s face it, slightly out of control.
I have been between many things. Between the job I wanted to get out of and the new job I wanted. Between feeling miserable and on the way to feeling okay.
It could be a bad thing to be between but it’s not. I don’t feel uncertain and scared. I feel like I should enjoy what I have now and I live in expectation of what comes next. The new colleague I will have to train so the two colleagues will be able to function without me, the baby I will have to train to become a functioning baby, kid and adult, the couple I will have to return to so my love life doesn’t end with the baby, the family life I have denied myself for so long…
Between two good things.
Pour ceux qui se demandent pourquoi j’écris en anglais depuis le début du mois de juillet, c’est parce que je participe à NaBloPoMo ce mois-ci.
I took the time to explain this because I got at work at 6:45 !! Last night was the first night in a while that I slept through the whole night without getting up to go to the bathroom, to empty the air-conditioning unit or because the cat decided to take a walk across my chest.
So I woke up at 4:45 completely refreshed. I didn’t drink coffee this morning. I drank a mix of home iced tea (mixed with ginger herbal tea) and orange juice and apple-pear juice. So refreshing. I ate a bit of quiche and I watched a bit of Combat Hospital. But I didn’t watch more than 15 minutes of it.
So I got here earlier.
Today’s prompt is Are you scared of being in open water?
My answer is yes. If I can’t see the bottom, I get afraid. My chest feels constricted, my heart hurts. I have always been afraid of water. I learned to swim when I was 12 once my mom told everyone to leave me alone. In high school, walking through a river almost made me faint. I think it was because I was so careful where I put my feet and I was watching the water go by. Anyway. I was even afraid of being on a bus on a bridge across water. I kept thinking the bus would topple over and fall in the river and we would all die !
With most of the things I feared I had decided to get on with it and proceeded to what is called desensitization. This is a therapy used to deal with fears and anxiety. I didn’t know it was what I was doing. What you do is put yourself into situations where you are uncomfortable. Gradually going farther and farther until your fear becomes more manageable. It takes 10 breaths for your head to clear. 10 seconds until your vision is no longer blurred, your head clears up, your heart rate slows a bit and you can relax your hands that were bunched in fists. I discovered that this year through my readings for my course on psychotherapies.
Slowly I would get near water and just stay there until my breathing slowed. I would go into a pedal boat and float around and I would sometimes touch the water. I would let a cousin steer a canoe and then I would do it myself. Even iced water made me afraid but one winter I went to my ex’s chalet and walked on the lake. I kept thinking that a fairy would fly over us, thaw the river and I would drown. But I stayed on the lake for half an hour. I did many things like these.
The result is I can now go swimming at the beach Jean-Drapeau. I can’t see the bottom but I never have water higher than my chin. So it feels safe. I can do water aerobics. I can go swimming in huge pools (that too frightened me).
Nablopomo is ending in 6 days and if doing this has taught me something it’s that blogging everyday increases the stats. Besides that, writing about something every day sure made me write about ordinary stuff and since I had to write every day and I am way too busy and tired lately, I added no pictures or very few. I took pictures for this week’s Sweet Shot Tuesday, You Capture and Happiness Project and I still haven’t posetd them.
I went to bed at 8 or 8:30 the two last nights and I wake up at 5 because of the alarm. I’m sure that without it I would wake up much later than that. I haven’t gone grocery shopping in two weeks. I love grocery shopping ! But I’m too tired. Must be the « Unhappiest day of the year » effect as a colleague mentioned (google it, you’ll see).
I keep eating my meals and I keep going to the gym. I read more because I don’t feel like doing much else. Anyway.
Besides this lack of energy, everything is fine.
- My grandma has had an eye operation and she’s fine.
- My parents came back from Cuba this week and no news is good news.
- My boyfriend seems happy.
- My cat is a big furry ball of warmth.
- Coffee is good.
- My boyfriend « invented » a recipe last night and it was really good : tuna, mashed potatoes and edamame in my case and corn and asparagus in his case.
- The weather is milder than it was at the beginning of the week.
- Tonight’s dinner is already made.
- I have plenty of good books to read.
- TV series have finally started again.
- I’m looking forward to my cleaning at the dentist’s. My teeth feel clean but..
I only have a few days to go until the end of Nablopomo.
I’m going to the dentist this morning. Only a few days of headaches and maybe two weeks of sensitive teeth. Six weeks until I go back for the braces again…only a few days until I go back for a cleaning.
Only a few weeks until I get help at work.
Only a few nanoseconds before Hot in Cleveland finishes downloading.
It’s Nablopomo time. I had forgotten about it but I am Nablopomoing this month ! 🙂