Return from far away

My boyfriend told me he is kind of glad to get my impressions about my bio dad confirmed. J-L called him and left a message saying he was in town and would like to meet him. Bio dad never called back. Disappointing and not surprising and a relief at the same time.

I come back loaded with stuff for the baby, a cold and a bit of anger towards my mom who drank too much as usual.

I even snored last night because of my stuffy nose. In fact, it was this morning once I finally got to sleep. The pillows are horrible. And my nephew started crying at 3:30. I was ready to get up but I was so tired…I eventually fell asleep. At 7, my bf and I were the only ones up.

We ate so well ! 🙂

Publicités

Bientôt c’est ma fêêêteeee!! Bientôt c’est ma fêêêteeee!!

Bientôt c’est ma fêêêteeee !!!

Avant, ma fête me déprimait énormément parce que mon père ne m’appelait jamais pour me souhaiter bonne fête. Une fois que j’ai réalisé que c’était la raison de ma dépression du moment, ça a passé. Tellement qu’au lieu d’être déçue quand quelqu’un ne m’appelle pas, je n’y pense même plus !

Je ne pense même plus aux cadeaux non plus. Quand je commence à en recevoir, c’est très excitant !

C. m’a donné des produits Bella Pella dont un sucre pour le corps à l’orange qui sent le Crush. Vu qu’elle choisit souvent des affaires qui lui plaisent à elle, elle a inclut la facture-cadeau alors j’ai pu échanger les autres produits pour ceux qui me font vraiment tripper : la savon à la menthe et aux graines de chanvre et le sucre à l’amande. J’étais trop curieuse du sucre à l’orange alors je l’ai ouvert avant de penser à l’échanger. Les cadeaux de C. sont vraiment son style à elle ! Pas le choix d’accepter qu’elle est incapable de choisir des choses qui me plaisent à moi alors, je suis simplement reconnaissante qu’elle y pense et qu’elle essaie ! Fille adorable et incorrigible.

L. m’a donné un crème pour les mains au citron et des loukoums de Crabtree & Evelyn. L. m’achète ce qu’elle s’achèterait aussi et on a les mêmes goûts. Elle m’a aussi invitée à aller souper chez elle : Potage de haricots et courgettes servi avec crème fraiche, lardons et croutons, Fromage La Liberté et pain aux raisins et fenouil, Clafoutis aux cerises! Très très bon. On a jasé un coup et on a ri pas mal.

Puis, j’ai reçu une carte de fête de ma marraine qui m’a permis d’acheter un nouveau soutien-gorge sport Champion et des bobettes Jockey sans me sentir coupable ! J’étais chez La Baie et les Jockey étaient 25% de rabais et sont faites avec des tissus qui pourraient aider mon bobo. Champion, c’est LA marque de soutifs sport. Tellement confortables pour les dames with heaving bosoms.

Dans deux dodos, je pars pour Québec et mon chum m’amène manger au Château Frontenac pour ma fête. 🙂

Demain, je vais aussi chercher ma robe, faite sur mesure, offerte par mon chum ! Il veut absolument que je l’amène à Québec. 🙂

 

Reasons why I should send my letter to my dad

  1. Because a letter is the best way of talking without being interrupted.
  2. I won’t see his reaction.
  3. I won’t get pressured in drinking alcohol (I resist and it turns into a struggle).
  4. I will get to tell him exactly what I think and feel.
  5. I won’t see HIM.
  6. It takes less energy to just send the damn letter than to go down there, find him and gather the courage to talk with him.
  7. I don’t have to battle with myself while I talk to him…don’t have to fight what’s natural to me : smile and laugh because I’m feeling unease and fear.
  8. It’s a coup de coeur when I get to send the letter (heart pounds, I am afraid he calls, etc.) and then I can act like I forget about sending it.

I didn’t choose him to be my dad. I don’t believe in « Honor thy parents » when the parents act like dickheads and douchebags. I’m an adult and I get to choose who I keep in my life and who I can live without.

100% Headache

At the moment, I have a huge headache. Why am I on my blog then ? Because of Nablopomo, to make sure I have one post every day.

My job may be the cause of my headache. 99% sure of it.

Or my biodad. 1%.

For New Year’s Eve we went to Ottawa and came back on the 1st. I had a message on the machine. It was my dad. As usual I always wonder what’s wrong when he calls (not often, very rarely, almost never). Is he dying ? Does he need one of my organs ?

Then I’m pissed off. He calls me out of the blue, to wish me a happy new year with a robotic voice, cold and all but he never NEVER calls for my birthday.

It turns out I have decided that this year I was going to write him a letter to explain why I’m mad at him and why I don’t talk to him anymore. Some people might think that writing a letter is cowardly but if I talk to him face to face I’m going to lose it, scream, curse, spit, etc. So in the interest of letting this anger out in a manageable and civilized way, a letter it is. It’s better to write « I’m angry because… » than scream at the top of my lungs « I hate you ! IHATEYOUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUU!!!! ».  I am sure you agree.

So here you have it my job and my dad, 100% of my headache.

Un bébé, ça n’efface pas l’histoire familiale

Je viens de visiter un blog qui me rend triste et enragée à la fois.

Je ne comprends pas ce qui fait que des familles où tout va bien se séparent. Pourquoi les enfants partent et ne reviennent plus puis empêchent les grands-parents de voir leurs petits-enfants. Si tout va bien, pourquoi ça arriverait ?

Peut-être que les parents n’ont pas offert de support à leur enfant en crise et l’enfant n’a pas pardonné. Peut-être que les parents ont perdu la confiance de leur enfant. Peut-être que, comme chez nous, les parents sont indignes de confiance.

Je trouve ça bien triste s’il n’y a pas de raison apparente à la séparation. Si c’est l’enfant qui a vécu quelque chose de difficile, s’est senti jugé, non appuyé, mais qu’il n’en a pas parlé et que ses parents ne savent même pas ce qu’ils ont fait de mal, c’est poche en maudit. Devenir adulte c’est aussi parler de ce qui se passe. Dialoguer.

Mais, tsé, dans les familles où les parents ont blâmé l’enfant pour un inceste…où les parents ont battu l’enfant…où les parents n’ont jamais été présents…je comprends que l’enfant ne veuille pas mettre son bébé en présence des grands-parents. Ça m’enrage que les gens pensent que c’est un dû.

Mes parents sont alcooliques. Le chum de ma mère est un gars responsable à qui on peut faire confiance, mais c’est aussi un facilitateur qui donne du vin à ma mère. Bon, c’est leur histoire, leur dynamique. Par contre, où ça bloque c’est dans mon histoire avec des adultes qui ont vraiment foiré. Come on. Pourquoi je serais heureuse d’amener un bébé à du monde de même ?! J’ai dit à Ma Soeur qu’elle devait faire attention à ce qu’elle allait donner comme exemple plutôt que s’inquiéter de ma mère. Je sais que ma mère trippe sur le bébé. Elle ne ferait rien intentionnellement pour que ça tourne mal. Mais, quand elle boit, elle change. Elle devient harcelante, gossante, difficile. Mon père biologique devient violent. Ils sont imprévisibles malgré la prédictabilité de leur comportement.

J’ai pas envie que mes enfants se fassent gosser, entre autres, parce qu’ils ne veulent pas boire une bière à 11h, un dimanche matin, à 16 ans. Ou sur leurs seins qui poussent à l’adolescence. Je n’ai pas envie qu’ils se fassent pogner le cul en « signe d’affection ». Pas envie qu’ils aient à dire « non, je vais marcher » à un membre de famille qui a bu et qui veut aller le reconduire quelque part. Et qui insiste et insiste encore. Pas envie qu’ils aient à reconduire un membre de famille chez lui…sans permis de conduire. Pas envie qu’ils se retrouvent seuls sans personne pour veiller sur eux pendant que les adultes vont faire une sieste qui dure des heures. Pas envie qu’ils se fassent crier après, se fassent taper ou secouer.

Ma mère, je sais que ça va aller. Elle est prévenue par contre. Mon père biologique, c’est une autre paire de manches. Non, je n’amènerai pas mes enfants chez lui. Pour les présenter peut-être. Mais je ne les laisserai pas avec lui.

On ne « doit » rien à nos parents quand il s’agit de protéger nos enfants des blessures qu’on a soi-même vécues dans notre histoire avec eux.

Show and Tell 7

When I was a kid, I used to draw houses, cats, princesses. I took arts in school every year. I was planning to get a degree in arts one day. I went to college in arts too. I used to be very figurative in what I did. It used to be that you could clearly see what I was drawing and painting. And then it changed.

Maybe it was the depression. Maybe it was that I just couldn’t concentrate or breathe or live. I started to paint more gestually. Like I had to get stuff out of my system faster. Maybe it was everything I was keeping inside but that I still needed to get out : the agression, my parent’s drinking, my breakup with D. We had to do a remake of a painting and that’s when it started. My plan was to remake the painting in another colour but it wasn’t different enough. So I went at it differently by being more gestual and it was liberating. I was in a zone and I was surprised by the result but so were the teachers and students.

After that, I went to study something else in Montreal. The depression was still there but I didn’t have the time to draw or paint. Until 2002 when everything was threatening to crash down. Well, it had crashed. I was a train wreck. New meds, a roommate I was afraid of, relationships that went nowhere, a workplace that made people lose their sanity, learning that My Sister had almost been raped by my biodad…it was horrible. And I wanted to keep everything under control all the time. But sometimes it was just bubbling inside me, threatening to eat me alive and then I had to paint or go mad.

So I started painting again and the only thing I could do was abstract. Full of colour, full of movement. Dyptics, tryptics, huge canvases or many small ones.

This one was made in the small hours of the morning.  I was thinking about my ex-roommate. I was afraid, couldn’t sleep even if I kept a knife near my bed. I write this and everything seems so far away, so unbelievable. This painting is a witness of that time when I was deeply afraid, deeply ashamed, a time when I couldn’t speak. I just couldn’t. I was lost, completely lost. The only thing I had was my job and my cat (a beautiful white and black female with huge green eyes). And all I could do was paint when I couldn’t bury myself in my work anymore, or watch TV until I black out.

I rarely have time to paint anymore but every time I do a painting, it’s abstract, it’s huge, it’s colorful and a bit haunted.

To know how to participate in the Show and Tell and see what the other kids are up to this week click here !

Colorific

Angry Red

1. Are you currently mad at someone?
I must be mad at my biodad because I haven’t spoken to him in years except at the funeral. I don’t feel mad but I pretty sure I am.

2. Which of your family members has the worst temper?
My Sister, she’s a violent drunk and she can be really mean without drinking.

3. Have you ever thrown something at anyone?
Scissors and a photoframe. I’m still ashamed.

4. Is anyone mad at you?
I don’t know but it’s possible.

5. Are you usually mad?
No

6. When you’re mad do you prefer to stare angrily or yell?
Depends on how mad I am. If I’m mad that someone didn’t listen, I yell. If I’m so mad I’m afraid of what I’ll say, I stare.

Exciting Orange

1. Has anyone ever thrown a surprise party for you?
No.

2. What event is coming up that you’re most excited about?
Christmaaaaaaaaassss !!

3. If you won a million dollars, what would be your first thought?
I wanted to say « let’S build a house » but I know I would think « what bills to pay first, and where do I put the money ? Which savings plan… »

4. If you could have anything right now what would it be?
Many hours of sleep to schoo away my throat ache, my neck pain and work.

Yellow Belly Self

1. Name: Terry Elisabeth (sorry but I’m still keeping this anonymous)

2. Birthday: November

3. What’s your main goal in life?
To be happy, to feel good

4. Do you want to have children?
Yes

5. When do you want to die?
Before I’m old enough to just wait for it. I don’t want to be the old woman who stares through the window, I want to be the old woman who plays bingo and goes square dancing.

Opinionated Green

1. Are you against gay marriage?
Why would I be ? What does it matter that gay people want to marry ? They want to, they’re human and in love so let them get married.

2. Lower the drinking age?
No.

3. Capital Punishment?
Yes.

4. Abortion?
Choice.

Lovely Blue

1. Do you love someone?
Yes, my boyfriend.

2. Do you believe in love at first sight?
No, it’s just hormones. It dies down as quickly as it burns up and it does burn everything down.

3. Do you believe in love?
Yes

Purple Query

Q: How glasses of water did you have today?
A: A bottle at the gym, totalling two cups maybe ?

Q: What color are your socks?
A: Black

Q: Name one thing that you do everyday?
A: Drink coffee

Q: How much cash do you have on you right now?
A: 15$

Q: Are you for or against Hillary?
A: If I was American I would be for because I’m prejudiced for women.

Q: Look to your left. What’s there?
A: Papers, notebooks, a spoon, a pear, a napkin and tons of post-its.

Q: What’s the last piece of clothing you borrowed?
A: I don’t borrow clothing.

Q: What website(s) do you visit the most?
A: Facebook or WordPress

Q: Do you have plants in your room?
A: In my bedroom, no. In the other rooms, yes.

Q: Does anything hurt on your body right now?
A: Wrist, neck, knee, throat.

Q: Do you own a picture phone?
A: No.

Last but not Least, Pink

1. Person you saw: My boyfriend

2. Person you sent a text message to: None

3. Movie watched in cinema: Christmas Carol

4. Song you listened to: The radio…Meet me Halfway by Black Eyed Peas is playing now.

5. Person you talked on the phone with: My mom

6. What are you doing right now?
I’m on break at work.

7. What are you doing tonight?

Sigh. Homework. Personality psychology, the story of Jacques.

8. What are you going to eat?
Baked pasta, sausage, veggies. Miam !