C'est quoi ton secret ?

3 octobre 2007

I could have answered « Secret : strong enough for man, made for a woman » but I just asked what he was talking about.

My colleague was looking at me and asking me what was my secret for staying calm. Hum. I laughed and said « Pills ». I like joking about the fact that I do take Smarties (Topamax and Manerix).

I followed by « What do you mean, calm ? » It could have meant that I look like I am aloof or that I don’t care. But I knew it wasn’t what he meant by that. He wanted to know how I stayed…calm. Detached, focused. It is a weird question. I laughed.

And I answered from my point of view. Here is my secret :

1. I focus on my job and if I have nothing to do I focus on Facebook, on the net, on what I have on my desk.

2. I try not to participate too much in the debates around me. I do at lunch time and I even launch them but when I’m at my desk, I am very into what I’m doing. So I try not to reply to the stupid things my colleagues might say (sexist, racist or other).

3. Contrary to other women my age (according to statistics and tests I’ve taken recently, taken with a professional) I think with logic and not with emotions. So if a guy talks to me, he just talks to me. No time is lost in daydreaming about the beautiful kids we’ll have. I think according to my experience and the data I have and I am in an investigative mood most of the time.

4. I am an introvert. I don’t care what others think and I don’t go much towards others. I keep pretty much to myself. I listen and I watch attentively. I will intervene eventually but not until I have all the facts and I know what to do and what to say.

5. I am emotional when it is time to express myself. But mostly I’m alone or with my therapist. At other times I analyze and learn.

My secret ? I’m an undercover robot here to analyze human behaviour.

Allez, on avale les p'tites Smarties

1er décembre 2007

Open the bottle, take the pill, drop it in the mouth and wash it down with water. Repeat. Repeat, repeat, repeat for 13 years. Lithium, Tofranil, Synthroid, Wellbutrin, Manerix, Topamax…Bipolar disorder, depression, headaches, migraines, thyroid dysfunction…

Tomorrow morning I will take the last dose of antidepressants I have. Goodbye Manerix !

In a couple of weeks I will take my last Topamax. Goodbye Topamax.

I finally get to have my emotions back. My doses were higher since 2005 because of my depressed state. I had been harassed at work, I lost faith in my job and my future, my fiance just up and left, my cat died. I lowered the dosage to get some emotions back and now I get to finally have my life back.

Being bipolar was getting heavy. It was okay while I was sick but now that I am better, this box I’m in just doesn’t work for me.

All of this is okay with the psychologist and the psychiatrist. Sigh…no more pills. Wow.

Première nuit sans cauchemars depuis octobre

Février 2008

Hier, j’ai été voir la thérapeute et j’ai mené un autre rêve avec moi. Depuis Octobre 2007, je me réveille chaque nuit. Une heure après le coucher, puis à minuit, puis une ou deux autres fois après. Les heures auxquelles je me réveille dépendent de l’heure à laquelle je me suis couchée. Toutes les nuits n’ont pas 3 rêves.

Mais je me réveille en me sentant bizarre, pas bien et souvent, je dois changer mon pyjama ou mon t-shirt parce que je me réveille en sueur. Trempée.

J’ai toujours eu des rêves. Mais c’étaient des rêves. Puis j’ai eu beaucoup de cauchemars…j’ai rêvé d’être battue, violée, perdue, en train de chercher quelque chose, enceinte, en train d’accoucher, en train de tuer quelqu’un…souvent j’ai rêvé qu’il y avait quelqu’un dans mon appartement, que j’étais abandonnée ou blessée par quelqu’un près de moi (habituellement l’homme qui partageait mon lit à ce moment).

Je pense que depuis qu’on a changé le dosage de mes médicaments puis qu’on a arrêté c’est pire. Chaque nuit je me réveille trempée, la gorge serrée, en train de pleurer ou de rire, en train de saluer de la main, whatever.  Je suis épuisée le matin.

Alors hier, la thérapeute a analysé mon rêve et j’ai parlé des « vraies affaires » plus que d’habitude. Elle a dit que c’est intéressant et que mes rêves ont l’air d’être le moyen de me faire parler des choses  qui m’ont vraiment traumatisée ou qui m’ont vraiment fâchée, qui m’ont fait sentir trahie et impuissante.

Puisque je ne peux pas en parler sans que mon cerveau essaie d’expulser mes pensées, visions ou sentiments et sans que mon corps rappetisse ou tasse  tout.

Le résultat est que j’ai eu une nuit sans cauchemars ! Pas de réveils confus et trempés. Je me sens heureuse.

Première semaine sans Manerix ! WOUP!

Décembre 2008

Okay so it’s been a week without Manerix. Everything is going fine.
I am so happy about just having to take Topamax for a couple weeks more that I could burst into song !

I have been a bit irritated yesterday. My PMS is a bit mixed up. I started my period on Wednesday instead of Monday and most of my symptoms start two weeks before. But for some reason tiredness and irritation arrived way late. Hep, what can I do ? I went to yoga, it calmed me down a bit.

This week I went to the YMCA three times again. I hurt almost everywhere but at least I don’t hurt where it counts ! lol. My muscles ache but my hips, knees and back are good. And mentally it is really worth it. I need all this loud music, all the moves and efforts and breathing. Our toning instructor wasn’t there…again. We had someone else. I don’t remember his name but he made toning really fun !

Have to go to the Market now.