Lundi positif

Je trouve la chanson tellement belle, positive ! J’ai le goût de pleurer chaque fois que je le regarde. J’ai aussi le goût de sauter et crier !

  1. Je ne sais pas si je vais dire oui, mais un café près de chez moi m’a demandé de leur faire des biscuits pour les vendre.
  2. Mon chum m’a tellement gâtée pour la Saint-Valentin ! Il a fait du ménage, m’a acheté des fleurs, va m’amener au resto ce soir…
  3. Des draps propres. Je ne sais pas pourquoi, mais il y a un feeling d’être au sec en sécurité. (je me relis et là, ça me donne l’impression que je parle de porter des couches!)
  4. Prendre un bain avec du sel et des huiles essentielles.
  5. I’m a firework.
  6. J’ai vu mon amie samedi soir et on a eu une conversation personnelle étonnante, sans jugements. Il y a enfin quelqu’un dans ma vie qui me comprend sans me juger, qui a vécu des choses semblables aux miennes. Une conversation qui nous a soulagées.
  7. Je suis étonnée d’avoir passé à travers des épreuves très difficiles…je ne suis plus une victime ! Quand je regarde ce que j’ai vécu, je me demande c’est qui cette fille-là ? Je me rends compte, que je suis rendue ailleurs et que j’ai plus de contrôle sur ma vie qu’avant.
  8. La compréhension que la violence c’est un manque de vocabulaire. Si tu cries après le monde, fait du chantage émotif, fait des menaces, donne des coups, joue à la victime comme au bourreau, c’est que tu manques de vocabulaire pour communiquer et t’exprimer en adulte responsable.
  9. La compréhension que les choses sont parfois, souvent, hors de notre contrôle. On ne peut pas tout contrôler. On ne peut pas contrôler les gens non plus. Des fois, il faut savoir laisser aller…dire ce qu’on ressent et laisser la personne faire son chemin à sa façon peu importe le temps que ça prends.
  10. Pouvoir prendre congé. Quel luxe !

20 août 2004 : L’apocalypse tord-ventre de la rupture

It really was my own private apocalypse. The world was grey for weeks before I truly had the courage to break up. We were together for only two months but it was the most intense two months I had had in a long time. I had really thought I was falling in love this time.

Those big brown eyes, those long eyelashes…all the doubts in the world and all the pain in one person. I was in Savior mode again but was way too deep into it to recognize it. The guy was in depression and I was desperately trying to change his world but I was being a pain in the butt. And I was saving no energy for me.

I went to a heavy metal concert for this guy because it was important for him that I be there and that I listened to the band. I even bought a t-shirt.

When it was over, I broke up one morning after another sexless night and another « I don’t know if it’s the best time to be with someone » which all meant to me « I don’t want you but I can’t breakup because I don’t want to feel even more guilty and depressed », I found myself so deep into my own private apocalypse of depression.

It was summer, everything I had I gave to the kids, my employees and him. All I wanted was to curl up and die. Which I did for a while.

I always wanted to call him, wanted to hear his voice, I wanted him to tell me he wanted me back or at least that once he was better he would call me back. But he said « No. » That simple word was more effective than anything anyone has ever told me.

I could do nothing else. I moved on, never called again.

Every time I looked at his pictures I felt so weird, all pinched inseide that I erased a few after a couple of years. Now I only have two, it’s all I have of him.

Laisser aller

20 avril 2009

Therapy has helped me to just close the door and walk away…on old jobs, old relationships, and now therapy. After crying, feeling rejected, wondering what I had done wrong, I’m ready to just walk away.

I understand perfectly that I did nothing wrong and that she’s not rejecting me and I view this little exercise as very interesting. Now I’m ready to do more with the money I spend every month.

Like :

  • Getting a massage twice a month (at least 60$ each)
  • Getting a pedicure and a manicure every month (40$ pedicure, 15$ manicure)
  • Saving for vacations
  • Putting some aside so I can buy a house someday
  • Hire a cleaning lady once a month to do the big stuff
  • Going to the hairsalon more often than twice a year (at least 30$)
  • Buy expensive shoes (between 50$ for a pair of Crocs and 200$ for leather shoes)
  • Buy Lululemon athletic wear (mucho casho)
  • Getting a special self-defense class (costs 350 $ for two days)
  • Going to the vet with my cat (at least 200$)
  • Seeing my other therapist more often

Inspirer, expirer, laisser aller, répéter

I have such trouble sleeping when I think about B. that I have to think about something else. My nerves are all bunched up. Why isn’t it easier to date ? I wish it was like in my teenage years, we fancy each other, think we look hot so let’s bring it on. Let’s hold hands.

So at night when I wake up and can’t sleep, I inhale, exhale and say « let it go », inhale, exhale, let gooo. It does help. I remind myself that not all things are meant to be, that I WILL find someone who will like me however screwed up I am, that this guy will live alone, won’t have memorabilia from an ex all over the place, will not take me for a Band-Aid, a mother, a whore…