28 novembre 2007
Today, my colleague told me that he thought it affected my boss when I said that my parents were not there for me. It could, I don’t know. What I know is that it’s true.
What makes a parent ? Is it worry ? Love ? Communication, listening ? Is it what they teach ? Gifts ?
I don’t have a « parental unit ». I have a dad and I have a mom. Then there’s my mom’s boyfriend. All are separate, they are not united. My mom took care of me the best she could which at the time was in a non linear way. It wasn’t constant. My dad was never there and when he was I was afraid of him so I wouldn’t move or talk until I exploded. My mom’s boyfriend…well, I started getting along with him when I moved out of the house because he looked like he would cry, he was going to miss me. We just started to talk more…13 years later.
Worry is what my mom is good at. Love she can do, her boyfriend too. Communication and listening is a big ZERO except for the boyfriend who surprisingly will defend what I do or say once in a while. They taught me to be clean and work hard, appearance is everything (beurk). Gifts are unimportant in my opinion.
Where is dad ? Nowhere. He is or was a big wall of brick. You know it’s there when you crash into it.
He never calls not even on birthdays. He’s drunk every time I see him. Last time was an even bigger disappointment. My Sister said he wasn’t drinking anymore. AH. He was at the bar at noon when we met. The day went downhill from there.
My mom is also an alcoholic.
None of them were there in moments where I needed them when I was growing up. I’m still looking for them now…hm. Not there.
I think that caring, loving, respecting, worrying, wondering, hoping…is part of what makes a parent. Still looking…
Do I love them ? Not sure, really. When a child is young, his love for his parents is what is strongest, nothing can and should come between a parent and his child. I did love them. I was always worried about them, I missed my dad all the time. I can’t count the times I was hurt by what they did or said. My mom was MINE, she was the most important person in my life. But drinking came before me, before My Sister. I knew this before I was a teen. Work and drinking came before everything for my dad. I stopped being happy to see them. I started getting anxious when they were there.
Now I’m just plain fed up. I can’t take anything anymore. My dad yelling just isn’t right. My mom harassing me when she drinks. Feeling like I’m a failure because I’m not military or because I put limits so I can feel better instead of shutting up. Not good enough because they just won’t act like parents and put their foot down or be there.
All I ever wanted from them is to love me and accept me. I wanted them to be there for me. Not I being there for them. I wanted guidance, respect, kindness.
Instead I don’t talk to my dad anymore. And I see my mom rarely. I’ll probably spend Christmas alone. Am I sad ? Yes.
I’m sad I had to be an adult before my time. I’m sad about getting beaten, yelled at, treated badly in many ways. I’m sad that my dad isn’t able to show me he loves me. I’m sad I’m often in relationships with guys who are like them : they won’t listen, they act like they don’t care about me, they harass me, etc.
I am sad. All the time.