P’tite date d’après-midi

Cet après-midi, j’ai une date avec mon chum ! On va aller manger des hamburgers chez Cheeburgers et on va aller voir Hunger Games au cinéma. C’est la première fois qu’on va être sans le bébé en un mois. Première date de parents !

J’ai fait une liste de sujets à discuter avec la marraine qui vient garder bébé. J’ai sorti 20$ pour qu’elle puisse se commander quelque chose. Tout est prêt. Elle arrive juste dans 45 minutes mais je suis douchée, habillée, mes dents sont brossées. Les biberons sont au frigo en ordre : le premier en avant est celui qui doit être bu en premier, etc.

Je lui ai sorti ma théière pour qu’elle se fasse du thé. Je lui ai mis des snacks pas santé sur la table.J’ai sorti un pyjama long pour le bébé et un autre tissu pour le changing pad.

Elle voudrait qu’on revienne juste quand on veut mais ça aurait pas d’allure ! Mes seins exploseraient. Je vais allaiter avant de partir et tirer mon lait en revenant. De midi et demi à 17h quelques sans allaiter…oh boy.

Fatiguée

Hier, j’ai eu mon premier rendez-vous avec l’obgyn. Le foetus est encore là. Mais, on n’a pas entendu le coeur parce qu’il avait à peine 10 semaines.J’ai pris mes prochains rendez-vous. Une chance que les prochains frais sont remboursés par mes assurances et les impôts parce que ça va coûter 585$.

Ce matin, j’avais tellement mal au ventre que j’ai appelé Info Santé à 6h du matin. J’ai fini par me coucher avec mon sac magique après avoir pris une Tylenol. Ça a l’air que ça pourrait être parce que je me suis étiré quelque chose en me tournant de bord. Fiou.

C’est tellement rushant être enceinte. Je suis tout le temps inquiète.

Grateful Monday

  1. I saw the Harry Potter movie this weekend in a very air conditioned movie theater. I think it was the best of the Harry Potters!
  2. Did I mention air conditioning ? So grateful.
  3. Iced coffee
  4. Ice cream
  5. The fetus is twice as big as 10 days before the ultrasound I had on Friday which means that even if I have a placenta abruption and that the amniotic pouch has taken the form of a guitar, it is doing okay and the heart was still beating fast.
  6. We tried the poutine at Poutine Ville after the appointment and we were delighted !
  7. Only three days and a half until my vacation.
  8. I stopped bleeding for the moment.
  9. Plenty of books to read.
  10. Cheese !

Grateful Monday

  1. I have an appointment with the doctor again because I have been bleeding a bit each day. I’m grateful I could have an appointment this week.
  2. My boyfriend will be coming with me.
  3. We went to Parc Angrignon yesterday and it was so beautiful !
  4. My vacation is in 7 work days.
  5. Having an AC.
  6. Clinique products made my skin so much better !
  7. My huge zit is disappearing. Finally.
  8. Food. Grateful for food.
  9. Iced lattes.
  10. I ate a chocolate-raspberry tart saturday. OMG!

Mon Unité Parentale

28 novembre 2007

Today, my colleague told me that he thought it affected my boss when I said that my parents were not there for me. It could, I don’t know. What I know is that it’s true.

What makes a parent ? Is it worry ? Love ? Communication, listening ? Is it what they teach ? Gifts ?

I don’t have a « parental unit ». I have a dad and I have a mom. Then there’s my mom’s boyfriend. All are separate, they are not united. My mom took care of me the best she could which at the time was in a non linear way. It wasn’t constant. My dad was never there and when he was I was afraid of him so I wouldn’t move or talk until I exploded. My mom’s boyfriend…well, I started getting along with him when I moved out of the house because he looked like he would cry, he was going to miss me. We just started to talk more…13 years later.

Worry is what my mom is good at. Love she can do, her boyfriend too. Communication and listening is a big ZERO except for the boyfriend who surprisingly will defend what I do or say once in a while. They taught me to be clean and work hard, appearance is everything (beurk). Gifts are unimportant in my opinion.

Where is dad ? Nowhere. He is or was a big wall of brick. You know it’s there when you crash into it.

He never calls not even on birthdays. He’s drunk every time I see him. Last time was an even bigger disappointment. My Sister said he wasn’t drinking anymore. AH. He was at the bar at noon when we met. The day went downhill from there.

My mom is also an alcoholic.

None of them were there in moments where I needed them when I was growing up. I’m still looking for them now…hm. Not there.

I think that caring, loving, respecting, worrying, wondering, hoping…is part of what makes a parent. Still looking…

Do I love them ? Not sure, really. When a child is young, his love for his parents is what is strongest, nothing can and should come between a parent and his child. I did love them. I was always worried about them, I missed my dad all the time. I can’t count the times I was hurt by what they did or said. My mom was MINE, she was the most important person in my life. But drinking came before me, before My Sister. I knew this before I was a teen. Work and drinking came before everything for my dad. I stopped being happy to see them. I started getting anxious when they were there.

Now I’m just plain fed up. I can’t take anything anymore. My dad yelling just isn’t right. My mom harassing me when she drinks. Feeling like I’m a failure because I’m not military or because I put limits so I can feel better instead of shutting up. Not good enough because they just won’t act like parents and put their foot down or be there.

All I ever wanted from them is to love me and accept me. I wanted them to be there for me. Not I being there for them. I wanted guidance, respect, kindness.

Instead I don’t talk to my dad anymore. And I see my mom rarely. I’ll probably spend Christmas alone. Am I sad ? Yes.

I’m sad I had to be an adult before my time. I’m sad about getting beaten, yelled at, treated badly in many ways. I’m sad that my dad isn’t able to show me he loves me. I’m sad I’m often in relationships with guys who are like them : they won’t listen, they act like they don’t care about me, they harass me, etc.

I am sad. All the time.