Deal with it

Yesterday I spent time with a friend and she regularly told me « stop thinking you’re fat, you’re not fat ». No shit Sherlock. I know I’m not fat and I’m not thinking I’m fat. I think she thinks I am or she thinks she is. Wonders of projection.

  • I clearly see I have some padding over my muscles. I have gained 40 pounds in 2008. It’s a fact, not a myth. Doesn’t mean I’m thinking I’m fat. But I used to.
  • Of course I have some complexes, like everyone.
  • Even with the padding and the complexes, I don’t think twice about undressing in front of others in the locker room and I am happy in my bathing suit at the beach. Why would I hide ? Why would I stop myself from having fun by shying away from being half naked in the sun ? Or shying away from making it easy for myself ? Finding a space where no one can see you so you can gingerly get out of your panties is too much work.
  • I’m grateful that this body allows me to be active.
  • If I have the choice between equally delicious food or drinks at 90 calories or 500 calories, I’ll choose the 90 calories. Why ? Because I don’t see why I would add all those calories to a regular diet. I already eat well and I don’t keep away from sugar and fat. Which means I eat like a normal healthy person (with smaller portions). If I have the choice between a small brownie from Le maître chocolatier or an apple…I’ll choose the brownie. Apples and braces don’t mix well and those brownies are intensely delicious. If I make my own brownies, I’ll choose the healthy recipes made with sweet potato, half the fat.
  • I like restaurants but I prefer my food.
  • I have muscles underneath it all. Real ones that I want to make stronger and more apparent.
  • There are heart problems in my family and it’s a problem I don’t want.

If someone thinks I’m fat, it’s their problem, not mine. I still wear size 11 pants, large t-shirts and my cup size is still C. I can strut my stuff like nobody’s business, I have fun with zumba, I love being in the big gym with the big guys and seeing I can lift more than 80% of the women there (and it’s stillnot what I aim for). I’m happy in my body.

Deal with it.

La baleine bouge

Quand j’étais plus mince (maigre selon les gens qui m’ont connue à l’époque), j’ai fait quelques cours de baladi. Dans ma tête, je bougeais à fond !! J’y allais par là ! Chikaboumchikaboum.

Mais quand je me regardais dans le miroir…il n’y avait pas grand-chose qui bougeait. Pourtant, je me déhanchais à en avoir mal. Non, toujours pas grand-chose qui bougeait.

Maintenant que j’ai repris mon poids (ne vous inquiétez pas, ce n’est pas un régime yo-yo, la boulimie, rien de ça)…ben, tout bouge. Même quand je ne bouge presque pas.

Je fais du zumba depuis la semaine passée et quand je regarde le miroir, j’ai l’impression de voir une baleine. Même que tantôt j’aurais pu jurer que deux filles essayaient de se cacher derrière moi. Quand je fais du tonus ou du pilates, plus le cours avance, plus je mincis. Au zumba, plus le cours avance, plus je grossis.

C’est le réflexe de la baleine. Le même qui fait que j’ai peur d’écraser un gars s’il mesure la même chose que moi ou qu’il est plus mince.

Pourtant, quand je pars de chez moi, mon aspect est normal…rien qui dépasse. Allez savoir.