Freaky proud

You know what happens when you force yourself to think positive ? It just happens.

Some of you might remember my posts about not losing weight a few months back. I still haven’t and I was focusing on that while I was in the gym. I was doing crunches with a 15 lbs weight. I was acknowledging that I knew what I was doing wrong about what I ate and I had to man up.

Then I realized that maybe I didn’t lose weight that much but I am now using weights Ididn’t use a year ago. A while ago, I had two women in the toning classes I took that used 12 lbs while all the others used 5 lbs or 8 lbs and I found that freaky. Now, 12.5 lbs is the equivalent of 5 pounders to me ! I also use machines I had never touched and I go to the « big gym », the one with the muscle men. I can do moves I couldn,t do a few months back.

It made me really proud to realize all this. I still haven’t lost the weight I wanted to lose but I’m in better shape and stronger.

Plus forte

Mars 2008

I went to my pilates class this morning. I now keep my alarm clock on every day so I’m able to get up early enough to enjoy morning classes and, of course, the day. Every day I wake up at 7, even on Sundays. Unless I went to bed late and then on Sundays I get up at 9. For the last years I used to sleep all day because I had nothing better to do, I felt lonely and was so depressed with my life. Losing a fiance, a cat and a job plus abuse the same year will do that to you. Starting therapy was really hard on my moral also.

Since I started going back to the gym – after being on house arrest for two years because of an ankle injury – I feel so much better ! I don’t sleep all the time because I have more energy. I feel stronger, more present in my body.

I had taken pilates classes a few years back. I really liked it but I have to give credit to the instructor who was incredible with us. I have started it again a few weeks ago and it does make me stronger. I already have more muscle and a better posture. At least I know when I slouch, bend the spine, etc. The yoga class I take also helps.

Yesterday was my yoga class after work. The instructor just came back from India for a month long class. She says she missed us. Well, we missed her as well ! She teaches with blocks and a belt so we are more careful in our postures. Less accidents. The instructor who replaced her made us practice our balance which is difficult for me because of my ankle. My arch isn’t …arched anymore, so I wobble. I have to do beginner’s balance poses instead.

Being more grounded and solid in my body reminds me of when I had taken a self-defense class. I felt so more confident knowing I could defend myself. It has been a while but I still have the reflexes I developped in that class. I wish I had taken it before that. A friend had offered to pay for this type of class because he knew I had a tendency to be in trouble. But I had refused, I wasn’t ready, didn’t think I needed it that much.


If I had been more lucid I would have seen how much I needed to do this. It took a 300lbs and 6’3″ guy that I couldn’t get off me to make me angry and afraid enough to take the class. I have never regretted it even if I was shaky in class and had flashbacks. I think it’s the only thing that makes it okay to have flashbacks. Otherwise I could do without. If it didn’t cost this much I would take other classes that interest me.

You learn how to defend yourself when you are abused verbally and physically. There are classes for defending yourself against guns and knives also. Of course, if you get shot then…you’re dead. But if the attacker comes toward you, then you can disarm him/her. Or maybe just injure the attacker. In self-defense, the goal is to punch/kick/render blind and deaf (lol) and then run away. Works with me.

What I love is that I can kill with a pen. And I was the only girl in class who had no problem with the thought of sticking my fingers in the nose or eyes of my attacker. I knew that it could come to that. Now I know how.