Évolution de mon poids

Évolution de mon poids

C’est un tableau que j’ai fait sur le site de Patients like me.

On peut voir toute une courbe !!

En 2000, je pesais 160 et c’était quand je prenais du Lithium. Quand j’ai pris du Topamax, j’ai chuté à 108, en 2001.

Puis, j’ai repris un peu de poids au fur et à mesure que je me remettais de ma grosse dépression. On voit aussi qu’en 2007, j’ai commencé à prendre du poids d’une façon plutôt verticale…c’est quand j’ai diminué les doses de Topamax et de Manerix.

Puis, on voit que j’ai pris encore plus de poids en 2009 alors que je vais au gym quatre fois par semaine. Ma forme physique est meilleure qu’en 2000, ma masse musculaire est plus importante et ma « shape » est vraiment mieux, je trouve.

J’espère que je vais redescendre éventuellement parce que même si je suis musclée…je suis musclée en-dessous du gras. 🙂

Les résolutions : un désir d'auto-actualisation

Ma liste de résolutions se trouve sur mon autre blog : https://pandabox33.wordpress.com

Je continue mes efforts à ne pas manger de chips, les Doritos en particulier. Je vais essayer de manger moins de popcorn même si c’est meilleur pour la santé. J’utilise le popcorn comme substitut. Il faudrait que je regarde pourquoi ça me prend ces fringales-là.

Je continue l’exercice parce que ça me fais tellement du bien ! Ça m’aide à dormir, ça me donne de l’énergie, ça me fait sentir mieux dans mon corps. J’aime avoir du fun avec mes activités. Alors, je continue le zumba et le pilates. Et je choisis mes instructeurs pour le toning, l’aérobie. L’instructeur fait la différence. Ça continue d’être le YMCA parce que c’est communautaire et que j’appuie leurs valeurs et leur façon de faire.

Je me pèse chaque semaine avant le cours de pilates du samedi matin et mon post s’appelle Samedi en Forme. Mon premier est ici : https://pandabox33.wordpress.com/2010/01/02/samedi-en-forme/

Je vais poster sur des thèmes aussi. Le Mardi Muet (une photo), le Lundi Reconnaissant (liste de choses positives pour démarrer la semaine), le Show and Tell du mercredi (photo de quelque chose que je présente) et je vais participer au IComLeavWe au moins dix fois dans l’année.

Je continue à boire moins de liqueur (Coke). Quand je vais en boire (du McDo sans Coke c’est de l’hérésie), je vais boire un petit Coke régulier au lieu du Coke Zéro format moyen. Quand je bois du régulier, je vais moins à la toilette après et je mange moins parce que le sucre fait arriver le signal de satiété plus vite.

Ah oui, je continue avec le chocolat noir. J’ai acheté des chocolats la semaine passée et je n’avais pas remarqué qu’ils étaient au lait. Je suis passée à travers la première journée…Alors que quand c’est du noir, j’en mange un ou deux morceaux et je n’en peux plus.

Et je vais m’acheter des lunettes…argh. C’est une grosse dépense mais qui s’avère nécessaire, ma vue a beaucoup baissé. J’avais des lunettes mais elles sont dégueu. Elles servaient à voir de loin alors je les mettaient peu. Mais, là, ça s’en vient ridicule. Une situation au travail m’a forcée à regarder la réalité ! Héhé

Et là, après avoir remis tous mes travaux de psychologie de la personnalité, je m’enligne vers le cours de psychopathologie. Et, je vais continuer d’être honnête envers moi-même, envers les autres. Je vais continuer de prendre soin de moi, de m’occuper de mes bobos. Et je vais continuer de faire des efforts avec mes amis…tout le monde sait combien c’est dur d’appeler quand on besoin d’aide. C’est la même chose pour les autres !

Je vis dans The Matrix

19 septembre 2007

Does it happen to you that you feel like most people live in an illusion, concentrating on material things, never really living true emotions or talking about real stuff; never asking themselves questions about the world, their Self or taking hold of their spiritual environment ?

I feel like I live in the Matrix, surrounded by people who live like this. And I feel like everything is an illusion and will not last for ever. The sun is shining now. But it may not be shining tomorrow.

I know that we are conceived a blank slate, fresh and pure, full of possibilities. When we are born we are already on a journey influenced by what happened while we were growing inside the womb and we already have the possibility to become good or evil. I can’t just be bubbly. I sense and see and feel what surrounds me. I can’t be in denial thinking nothing is ever going to happen to me, I know what is out there. There is a Power greater than us but there is not just A Power there is more.

Denying this is what gets me in trouble with myself and denying what I feel in general is what gets me in trouble with myself and others. Usually I just shut up. I won’t anymore.

Le Changement

1er février 2008

This week I had three dreams to talk about with my therapist. She said that everything was about change. I guess that’s why I feel anger towards people I know. They won’t change ! They can’t « evolve » and I am very impatient with them. In my mind, if I can, everyone can !

This is a list of things that changed in the last two years :

  • Finished my meds ! Wouhou. Not « sick » anymore.
  • Stopped talking to My Sister.
  • I avoid people who make me sad or mad by their behavior towards me.
  • I don’t accept my mom’s drinking problem as an illness (alcoholism is NOT an illness) and I don’t accept her behavior towards me when she drinks.
  • After two years of not going to the gym because of my ankle, I started going again and have been trying different classes, different instructors. Some people thought I would stop soon enough but I have been going every week since my subscription to the Y.
  • I can now sit at the table for breakfast.
  • I don’t need TV or music to fill the air at home. I can sit in silence or read without those sounds.
  • I threw my TV in the garbage and stopped reading the newspaper because it made me feel down.
  • I know what qualities I value in a person, I know what attracts me towards someone and I know what attracts them to me.
  • I wash the dishes every day.
  • I take care of live creatures : A new cat has entered my life and I water and take care of my plants every week.
  • I call the super if something’s wrong in the apartment. No more not bothering with it.
  • I go to the therapist every week.
  • I stopped volunteering for a cause I didn’t really care about and started doing it where it matters, where I know that what I do makes a difference.
  • I organize my apartment.
  • I have limits and I tell people when they push them.
  • It is easier to be myself, to aknowledge my feelings.
  • I care less about what people think.
  • I let go of people that are unecessary to me in the sense that the relation is not nurturing for both of us. I am looking for more mature people, people with more life experience, more articulate with lots of interests, with passion.
  • I cook regularly and try new things.
  • I try out new restaurants instead of going to the same all the time.
  • I spend less. Less impulse buying. I take my time to decide if I need it or it’s just a thing I want.
  • When I buy clothes, I give some clothes away.
  • I stopped automaticaly buying books I wanted and I sold many of the books I had and didn’t read anymore. I realized that books are not a security blanket, they do not define who I am.
  • I don’t get attached to people I don’t know well. And I try to trust my judgement. Some people are worth my time and some are not and when I don’t get attached, when I take my time to know them I am not disappointed by them because I find out that the person is « for » me.
  • I read about nutrition to get my facts straight and be able to eat right, eat things that have more nutritional value. I fasted last year and have gone 40 days without chips and chocolate. At ALL. It was quite a challenge but I found out that I was eating those foods like a zombie to compensate feeling angry or stressed.
  • I started painting again last weekend for the first time in two years.
  • I have tried a new haircut.
  • I still don’t like to be « examined » but I can appreciate the looks men throw my way. Since I gained weight men look at me more. Well, there is the haircut…and the cleavage.
  • I don’t wish for invisibility as much. I started wearing colors again. Red, pink, purple, green…instead of just grey, black, white and brown.
  • I look at men now.
  • I don’t have to call someone every night. When I’m lonely I go at the café or just walk around.
  • I write regularly.
  • I still don’t know what I want to study because I am interested in everything but I’m getting there narrowing programs.
  • I open up a bit more.
  • I started going at the osteopath because I want to fix what hurts and feel better in my body.
  • I go grocery shopping almost every week. I try to stay within budget (40-60$ a week which is enough food for me).
  • I don’t buy store cookies. If I crave cookies really badly I have to bake some. So I just give up most of the time.
  • I know what I’m worth !

9 février 2008 : Je pète le feu !

This week I went to the YMCA four times : step, muscle toning, yoga and pilates. My goal of trying a new class is once again attained with trying pilates at the Y.

My Valentine’s Day night is planned. I’m going to a fancy restaurant with my little sister and her boyfriend and maybe some of her friends. It’s going to be expensive and I’m excited about it. I haven’t been in a trendy restaurant, expensive and that good also, since I was with my ex-fiancé. Anyway, I don’t drink so it will be less expensive !

I bought a new top to wear on that night and it’s not what I usually wear. Sexyyyy and black, attracting attention to my breasts…I spent hours shopping for new clothes and didn’t find anything else ! I’m bigger than medium and smaller than large, tops are not long enough or too long, pants are too small or too large, the waist isn’t high enough for my comfort. Sports bra are not comfortable or don’t have enough support.

I’m also on fire in the kitchen…I almost burned my best saucepan trying to do what is most likely a recipe I am not going to do again. A Kraft recipe. I wanted to try something from that magazine I subscribed to and frankly, it tastes like carton. I had to add spices and cheese. The bottom of the saucepan was black, and smelled like fire. It took hours to clean up (rinsing, adding water and soda, then soda and lemon, then soapy water and cleaning with an SOS pad). When I finally got it clean and shiny, I decided to make tapioca and emptied the whole box to find out after I had added milk and an egg that I only needed 3 tablespoons…

I haven’t been that prone to accidents since last spring when I started to slowly lowering my meds or a couple of years before when my boyfriend, The Troll, went away on vacation.

My food intake is modified. I stopped adding hot chocolate mix in my coffee, I haven’t eaten a chocolate bar since the start of February, haven’t eaten any chips since January. I ate a wonderfully greasy hamburger and fries last weekend which I hadn’t done since January. I eat the most incredible breakfasts : eggs and toast or banana pancakes with nuts.

Friday, I finally smiled and talked to a stranger on the way to the metro. An insanely cute guy who asked me if that sushi place was any good (the place where I had just bought my sushi is in the tunnel leading to the metro). This is something else to cross off my list.

I smiled to the Cynical One on the street without fumbling over my feet or saying anything and didn’t mope about it for hours. Not even minutes.

The therapist says I seem to be more okay about transitions. Finally ! Progress !! I feel great without my meds. And the migraines are mostly gone, my neck and shoulders don’t ache anymore. Yippee !!