Mardi matin

On est mardi matin, il est 7h04 et la journée a commencé il y a une demie-heure !

Dimanche, je ne me sentais pas trop trop joyeuse. J’ai eu un samedi décevant. Je me suis donné le droit de me sentir moche mais j’ai quand même noté des choses pour lesquelles je suis reconnaissante.

  1. Je suis reconnaissante d’être capable de voir ce qui est bon dans ma vie.
  2. J’ai un gros bébé en santé qui me fait rire.
  3. J’ai un chum qui est là au max pour nous autres et qui m’appuie dans tout ce que je fais.
  4. J’ai perdu 1,4 livres la semaine passée grâce à Weight Watchers.
  5. On a trouvé une nouvelle garderie et l’éducatrice est très gentille.
  6. Ma grand-tante est décédée et je trouve ça triste mais, je suis réconfortée par l’idée qu’elle ne souffre plus et qu’elle est au ciel. Oui, oui. Elle était religieuse et c’était une femme d’une gentillesse ! Elle m’écrivait les plus belles cartes de fête.
  7. Grâce à un groupe Facebook, j’ai toujours de l’info et des idées au bout des doigts. Quelqu’un a offert de venir magasiner des booties de bébé, un manteau de portage, etc.
  8. Vive le magasinage sur le net !!! Hier, j’ai pu acheter trois barrières de sécurité sans sortir de chez moi.
  9. Je pense que bébé a commencé à avaler sa nourriture ! Il n’a pas vomi depuis quelques jours.
  10. L’ancienne garderie devient la garderie de soir. Ça veut dire que supermaman qui veut continuer d’aller au gym à des heures raisonnables va aller porter bébé vers 15h30, elle va aller au gym et papa va passer le prendre ! 2 après-midi cette semaine.

Lundi reconnaissant

  1. La mère de mon amie est décédée, mais, mon amie va bien. Je suis contente qu’elle ait eu le temps de parler, rire, chanter avec sa mère.
  2. Cette amie-là m’a appelée quand elle a eu besoin de parler. J’ai senti qu’elle me faisait confiance.
  3. J’ai reçu à souper hier et mon gâteau aux carottes était tellement bon !
  4. Mon chum a fait la moitié de la vaisselle quand la visite est partie.
  5. J’ai enfin deux jupes de maternité, un pantalon (il faut que je fasse faire les bords) et mon manteau d’hiver.
  6. Ma collègue de travail revient aujourd’hui après une semaine et demie de congé.
  7. Mes cheveux sont beaux ce matin.
  8. Ma mère est toute excitée par le bébé. C’est pas mal drôle.
  9. J’ai plein de livres à lire !
  10. L’aménagement de notre appart s’en vient bien !

Nightmare

This morning I woke up crying. I dreamed that my mom was dead because of me. The assassin coming for me had murdered her instead.

No one was crying for her. No one would let me live my grief. I felt so alone and guilty, I called my ex-therapist to make an appointment.My superiors didn’t understand why I was crying.

My family did an intervention. It was only a few days after my mom had died and I was supposed to just let it go.  I wanted everyone to just leave me alone.

The smallest things would make me cry like a book, girls in green dresses.I was pregnant and my mom wouldn’t be there.

The guilt, the sadness, the anger.

What a terrible dream to wake me up. I cried for a full five minutes after I woke up. Luckily my boyfriend wasn’t gone for work so he cuddled me.

Let’s hope the rest of the day goes better !

Bonjour mon amie !

Hello mon amie,

Here is the email I started writing but I got a virus and had to shut it down.

I’m so happy you wrote !!

I have a note in the box that tells you why I sent the box early. I thought that if I had no news it could mean that you’re super busy or maybe things were sad or insane and I knew that sending something would cheer you up. I find it hilarious that you haven’t opened the box yet and that you know that if you send my Christmas presents early I will open them immediately. 🙂

Go ahead and open the box ! There are birthday presents along with Christmas presents. I didn’t know you are turning 40. I love big birthdays like this. I’m glad I sent you everything I picked out for you in Québec and Ottawa. Happy 40 mon amie ! I’m glad I met you.

I am so glad for you that you are not moping around. Too bad you’re not going to New York but you seem fine with it. For ****, I am glad to see that you chose to get off instead of being mad. You have so many things going on already ! I didn’t know your brother separated this year. It’s so sad ! It’s great that you will see your nephew for Christmas. I hope you have a nice and peaceful Christmas and new year’s.

Things are good. J-L has finished school and is starting his training in January. If things go well he might be hired. Besides that things are probably the same as when I wrote you the note in the box. But he decided to make dinners by himself until the 23rd. He’s tired of eating chicken. Hehehe. I could eat chicken every day ! He has been really helpful since school ended. He cleans the dishes every day, he cooks, he goes grocery shopping…

For Christmas Eve we are going at my mom’s. Christmas day will be spent at my godmother’s. New year’s is in Ottawa. This year it’s at N’s place (J-L’s sister) and it’s far from downtown so no hotels or B&Bs. We are sleeping at her place. I bought her a hostess gift, an expensive box of chocolate shooters (it was an impulse buy, a coup de Coeur).  I am expecting lots of comments about grandkids from both families. Blah. But N has a new house and I want to see it. Also, she is kind of “the one who got away”, she’s either very shy or very suspicious which means I barely talked to her in the time I have been with J-L and she’s intriguing to me. Because she’s reserved. I am so weird. I feel like she’s a challenge and I won’t feel like “I made it” until she adds me to her Facebook friends. Hahaha !!

While buying N’s gift I bought myself the same plus another box of chocolates because I didn’t know this chocolatier (Talie) and wanted to experience her products. 🙂 I bought for 98$ of chocolates…insane. You were mentioning your credit card…I’m in the same boat. My braces cost so much that Christmas mostly went on my credit card. I will have to be better prepared for birthdays and Christmas in the next two years.

I’m going in Milwaukee in May !! Remember how I don’t travel much ? I really enjoyed my trip in Halifax and for my work I went to Québec and Sherbrooke. For my work again, a conference, I’m going to the States ! As you can see by the “!”, I’m excited. I love travelling for work. Expenses are paid plus it lasts only a few days. I have to get my passport. The conference is at a fancy hotel and I would like to stay there but to make sure everything is covered I will have to stay somewhere less expensive.

Besides that, an aunt from my mom’s boyfriend’s side died this week and I learned of it on Facebook. Again. This sucks and that is why I have to keep my account. If I don’t I won’t know when a family member dies or has an accident. I got an email from my mom two days later after my aunt died. I wasn’t close to her but I want to know anyway. My mom is really sad about it. This aunt was really kind to our family when my mom started dating R. My aunt’s husband was a close-minded man who treated my mom like she was a pitoune (low-class woman) because she was divorced and she and R weren’t married. S was always nice to us, J-P and S gave jobs to my godfather and my godmother (brother and sister) when they were on welfare. I’m so grateful for that. S made my mom laugh and she always tried the food we brought to potlucks. I’m sad for my mom. S was a kind woman.

Did you open your birthday gifts yet ? Did you have a nice birthday ? Has Andy surprised you ?

Hugs,

Your friend, always !

Facebook should have a necrology section

Facebook has been more a necrology section for me. I don’t read papers and I don’t have a TV. I do have a phone and people can’t pick it up to tell me someone is dead. So I learn of it on Facebook or by email. It sucks.

Yesterday, I saw that My Sister had written her condolences on the wall of two of my cousins. The cousins are brothers + their mom was sick = my aunt died. So I asked My Sister if she had died and she said « yes, yesterday ». Oh. Wow. My aunt died Tuesday and nobody told me. My parents didn’t call. However my sisters know.

Not the first time this has happened. At least this time it wasn’t as much a shock as this was.

I wonder what my mom’s excuse is for not calling me about this. It might seem self-centered but it seems to me that that when someone dies people have to do difficult things like calling everyone to make sure everyone knows that someone died. Even if they blubber, sniffle and cry while calling. My aunt was my mom’s boyfriend’s sister-in-law. Since my mom and him have been together for almost 30 years, his family is also ours. I’m sure this makes her sad. But not sad enough that she is in a pit of despair and catatonic.

If/when I have kids some day, I am going to call them when someone dies. And since my boyfriend’s family have a tendency to « forget » to call him also, we are going to both call the kids to make sure noone forgets to tell them when something happens.