Lundi positif

Je trouve la chanson tellement belle, positive ! J’ai le goût de pleurer chaque fois que je le regarde. J’ai aussi le goût de sauter et crier !

  1. Je ne sais pas si je vais dire oui, mais un café près de chez moi m’a demandé de leur faire des biscuits pour les vendre.
  2. Mon chum m’a tellement gâtée pour la Saint-Valentin ! Il a fait du ménage, m’a acheté des fleurs, va m’amener au resto ce soir…
  3. Des draps propres. Je ne sais pas pourquoi, mais il y a un feeling d’être au sec en sécurité. (je me relis et là, ça me donne l’impression que je parle de porter des couches!)
  4. Prendre un bain avec du sel et des huiles essentielles.
  5. I’m a firework.
  6. J’ai vu mon amie samedi soir et on a eu une conversation personnelle étonnante, sans jugements. Il y a enfin quelqu’un dans ma vie qui me comprend sans me juger, qui a vécu des choses semblables aux miennes. Une conversation qui nous a soulagées.
  7. Je suis étonnée d’avoir passé à travers des épreuves très difficiles…je ne suis plus une victime ! Quand je regarde ce que j’ai vécu, je me demande c’est qui cette fille-là ? Je me rends compte, que je suis rendue ailleurs et que j’ai plus de contrôle sur ma vie qu’avant.
  8. La compréhension que la violence c’est un manque de vocabulaire. Si tu cries après le monde, fait du chantage émotif, fait des menaces, donne des coups, joue à la victime comme au bourreau, c’est que tu manques de vocabulaire pour communiquer et t’exprimer en adulte responsable.
  9. La compréhension que les choses sont parfois, souvent, hors de notre contrôle. On ne peut pas tout contrôler. On ne peut pas contrôler les gens non plus. Des fois, il faut savoir laisser aller…dire ce qu’on ressent et laisser la personne faire son chemin à sa façon peu importe le temps que ça prends.
  10. Pouvoir prendre congé. Quel luxe !

Irritation, screech screech

I think that in trying to imitate Julia Child all last week has finally taken a toll on my voice. Yesterday I slept in the afternoon because I was tired and when I woke up my throat was sore, prickly. And my voice just decided to mutate. Hehe

We went grocery shopping and coming back we had an argument about pantyhose. Don’t know why I would argue over that instead of just saying to my boyfriend I don’t give a damn and can we just change the subject. I was screaming almost because I was irritated with his arguments and he was laughing which made me laugh and irritated me even more…by the time I was home I was tired and my voice was starting to sound like a screech. It was befitting since a screech feels like what my mood has been for the past few days. No fighting just irritation over every little thing.

Screech screech screech. Maybe because it’s PMS and they’re getting stronger the longer I stay off the pill and I have been late every month so the PMS starts at the right day and lasts as long as I’m not menstruated. Maybe because we have squirrels in the ceiling. Maybe because I know that when I go back to work in January I will be in a rush. Maybe because the main reason of why I’m usually irritated is because I feel the other person does not understand what I’m saying or I can’t understand them, different perceptions. Maybe because I don’t feel like seeing anyone. maybe because we’re having a party on the 27th and we have so much to do before we are ready. Maybe because while we’re gone, the landlord will have to come in the apartment with a plumber.

Anyway. Screech screech. I don’t feel particularly moody just screechy when things don’t go my way.

Moumoune

J’étais bipolaire et je n’étais jamais malade. Je pouvais travailler plus qu’un an sans prendre de journées de maladie. Depuis un bout, ça finit puuuuuus. Il y a toujours quelque chose.

Ou bien…je ne portais pas attention à mon corps. Un peu comme ma boss. Ma boss m’a regardée avec un air de « tu vas t’en aller chez vous à cause d’un vaccin? », genre moumoune, t’es pas capable de le prendre.

Elle, elle a eu la grippe et elle a travaillé de chez elle. Elle envoie des courriels à minuit, elle. Elle viendrait travailler pendant les Fêtes si c’était ouvert. Je ne comprends pas pourquoi elle a un chalet.

Bref, j’ai eu le vaccin pour la grippe A hier. J’étais super fatiguée mais ce matin, ça allait. Puis à 11h, bam. Tête qui nage dans l’eau, sensation de fièvre, douleurs à plein d’endroits, fatigue. La totale.

Là, je me sens comme une moumoune d’être retournée chez moi. Bon…je projette sur ma boss ce que je ressens. Mais c’est ça pareil. Elle et l’autre boss m’ont dit que ça durerait 24 h comme « ça dure 24h, reste ici, c’est pas grave ».

Non, c’est pas grave et oui, je vais m’en remettre. Mais, là, pleinement consciente de mon corps, c’est vraiment désagréable comme sensation, la grippe. Même si c’est 24h de pas-vraie-grippe. Depuis hier, je me nourris de grilled cheese, de Kraft Dinner et de soupe Lipton. Amenez-en du jaune pis des p’tits pois.

J’en reviens pas que j’ai passé des années à travailler sans repos. Bonyenne. Comment j’ai fait.

Pas de contrôle

26 mai 2006

Je me sens tellement fatiguée et lourde. La tristesse commence à rentrer. Je suis tannée aussi de ces relations-là qui ne vont nulle part. Il faut que je me rappelle que si j’ai rompu avec le Troll c’est justement pour être seule, savoir ce que je veux pour ne plus avoir à vivre ça.

Mais, je trouve très dur de voir comment on était ensemble, d’entendre ses commentaires, de voir comment il redevient. Il recommence à dormir au travail. Je ne peux pas contrôler sa vie mais ça me fait de la peine.

Juillet 1986 : J’ai enfin appris à nager

My little sister was two years-old and wore swim aids and so did I at twelve years-old. I was embarrassed but I was so scared of water…Of course the Duchess already knew how to swim and dive, she even took classes. Ungh.

Sometimes I wonder if I had autism or something, I learned everything way later than other kids. Skating, biking, swimming, reading, writing, counting…One day it just started to unblock and slowly but regularly something would start to pop into place. It was a one shot deal. One day I wouldn’t be able to and the next I could.

So, back to swimming.

It was hot. We didn’t have a swimming pool but we could go to Estelle’s. Everyone had been trying to show me how to swim for years. Nada. There was maybe a billion kids in the pool and I was there with my blue one piece-suit, my swim aids and a lightly panicked expression on the side of the pool. I was gripping the side while the kids were jumping, swimming, doing the mermaid and all those neat things they can do.

As usual, I did my thing while no one looked. I took one swim aid off. I just did a couple of strokes doggie-style. Wasn’t too bad. Checked around that noone was looking. Took the other off and gulped a couple of gallons of water, couldn’t find the bottom, panicked a bit, didn’t say a word, looked around, okay. Tried the doggie again. My feet didn’t really lift but they didn’t touch the bottom either so it counted. So I swam around the pool until someone noticed and di a big fuss.

I blushed, almost cried, but was proud of myself. Estelle who was checking everyone from the patio had already called my maman.

Mom came at Estelle’s to watch me swim a bit. She told me she had said to everyone not to bother me, leave me alone and stop teasing me, I would do it when I was ready. She was very proud of me.

I’m still afraid of the water but not pools. I could faint watching a lake or walking on ice. But I know how to swiiimmm !!!

L'attachement et l'envie d'étrangler quelqu'un

Avril 2008

Becoming attached, attachment, being fond of… I don’t think about what I feel for people. What is there to think about. And that’s the problem : thinking. But I have been thinking about this attachment thing. I discovered that it’s easier to become attached to someone « far away » than becoming attached to someone « too close ».

Like the woman helping kids cross the street. We say Hi every morning and I miss her when she’s gone for summer. I am attached to a guy who works at the cafe…I guess it’s because I really like my coffee or chocolate bars and he’s always there so coffee, bars and the guy have entertwined somehow.

I have become « shifty » (uneasy) about people who I have been close to and they are nice people. Kind of like a reflex that makes me push away people I like in case I become hurt or in case they don’t like me as much as I think they do.

I avoid the person or find a million reasons why they get on my nerves. Then I think I have a superiority complex and feel guilty about it. So I try seeing the person and try relaxing…just to get really stressed about whatever gets on my nerves… It’s so weird…the things that make me want to strangle someone I like.

-The person isn’t practical prefers things that will break in two weeks to something that will last

-The person has no self-esteem and it shows (I don’t have much but it doesn’t show too much except here…)

-Person is not a good listener but talks and talks and talks

-No color coordination, no taste

-Takes things personally even if the subject doesn’t concern him/her

-Thinks that because two things taste great they will taste great together…or because two things look good they will look good together…

-Just can’t make the effort to cook the « right way ». Everything on high, dry chicken, no spices, no salt or pepper..

All of this means basically that I want to control everything. Hehe.

Good Reasons Not to Lose Control !!

Once in a while who hasn’t had the urge to let it aaaallll go and throw the scissors, bang the computer, crash the china ?

I know I used to want to do it all and did…

Here are some reasons NOT to LOSE ContrOOOOLLLL !!!

1. Don’t forget you need that promotion
2. Mother-in-law is really looking for just that ONE excuse
3. Mommy dearest wants you to lose control so she can tell again how you were always so…
4. Do you have the money for a new computer ?
5. Water in the printer is not going to release the paper
6. Throwing the scissors is a little cuckoo plus you have no scissors now, they’re broken
7. Scaring your colleagues is not going to get you near the job you want
8. Crashing the china on the floor really does some good on your nerves but the neighbours just called 911
9. Why throw his or her stuff through the window or over the balcony ? I’m sure that you can find a much better revenge and away from the neighbours.
10. Punching a pillow is better than punching someone and it will hurt a lot less than punching a wall.
11. Crying on the subway is unnerving for everyone around you and you don’t know what to do with your tears either.
12. If you kill the person, he or she is gone forever, duh, and you’re going to prison !!
13. Taking a bat to someone’s head because he gave you the finger is no way to resolve a conflict
14. Kids are afraid of you
15. Animals cringe when you approach your hand
16. People are afraid of you, they don’t know what to expect
17. Neighbours have the 911 on speed dial
18. If you break everything, think of all the money you have to spend to replace everything !
19. If you break someone it will cost way more than a tea set
20. Speeding and bumping cars are better left in amusement parks
21. Don’t two year-olds have the privilege of throwing themselves on the floor, flailing arms and legs, screaming their heads off ? Hum.

Ways NOT to lose control

1. Since violence is a lack of vocabulary, talk. No screaming.
2. When alone cry, scream, punch pillows.
3. Give stuff back but just dump everything in the trash (gifts) or sell it or give it away.
4. At work, smile and keep distance.
5. With computers, technicians are there for that
6. At a loss ? Burn energy ! Run, walk, take a step class, dance naked in your house, clean, bounce around.
7. See a therapist, they get paid to hear people complain, scream, cry and talk about a lot of things that make them loooose control