Je t’aime, je te déteste

J’ai un peu (beaucoup) de misère avec l’intimité trop rapide. D’un côté, je me sens emportée, incluse, comprise, flattée…de l’autre, ça me rebute.

Je suis toute en contradiction et j’ai bien de la misère à me comprendre là-dedans et à savoir ce que je fais avec ce qui se passe, ce que je ressens et l’autre personne.

Quand elle m’appelait en pleurant, ça me rebutait parce que je me sentais emportée par ses émotions à elle. Je me sentais attachée, prise en otage. Comment veux-tu que je dise à quelqu’un « chus pas intéressée pis je suis en train de souper » ? Comment veux-tu que je laisse ENCORE tomber quelqu’un ?

D’un autre côté, je me disais que si elle m’appelle c’est qu’elle a besoin de moi. Elle veut me parler à moi.

Dès le premier appel, on a foncé dans le tas. Awoye l’intimité rapide, les confidences non nécessaires. Mon cerveau voyait ça comme un crash and burn. Il y avait des drapeaux rouges partout. Il voyait bien que c’était la situation « elle se noie, elle s’accroche à mon cou et on va toutes les deux mourir noyées ». Mon coeur, lui, était tout content ! Une nouvelle amie ! Elle m’aime !

D’un bord, je l’aime; de l’autre bord, je la déteste. Enfin quelqu’un à qui parler; oups j’ai trop dit de choses et elle m’en dit pas mal trop. Yé ! une amie; shit, elle m’appelle encore, ça va durer des heures.

Bref, c’est la même chose qu’en amour. Trop c’est comme pas assez.

Ma tête le sait, elle, que ce que je veux c’est avoir du fun avant que ça devienne heavy, apprendre à connaître l’autre une demi-heure à la fois avant de passer des heures avec. Rencontrer la personne au lieu de parler au téléphone.

Il faut que je laisse ma tête diriger et que je mette des balises mieux que ça. J’ai beau dire mes limites, j’ai pas été super bonne pour les tenir. Avec mon chu ? No 1! Avec mes amies ? Pffrt.

 

Self Interview 4

4 octobre 2007

So…what’s new ?

Well, after a couple days where we had more work, we have « one of those days » where the system’s down and we have no requests.

You don’t seem too depressed over it ?

Nope ! I go on Facebook and I go on Dandelife and write my life away !

I saw that you write in French and English ? How come ?

Well, I was raised in a bilingual family. Dad would speak to me in English and I would answer in French. My Dandelife is bilingual because I have some written journals that are in French that I copy but my everyday life is written in English.

But why English ? Don’t you work and live in French ?

Yes. But sometimes it just comes that way and at other times it’s better in English, I know people I know don’t understand it so…

You don’t want people you know to understand what you write ? Why ?

No I don’t. Because sometimes it doesn’t concern them, sometimes I prefer to have my private garden. That’s why some of my stories are private.

If you want to have a private garden, why do you write on the net ? It’s a bit contradictory !

Not really. It’s easier to share with strangers. Plus, I do want to have privacy from people I know but I still want to share with others. Just not everyone I know.

But why ?

Because !! A lot of people around me are better that way, not knowing who I really am. They prefer it this way, they don’t want to know. And I don’t want some people I know to « know » everything about me. I know it’s confusing.

You have family on Facebook who could read you on Dandelife, right ?

Yes. It would be alright. I think that in most cases family members are the ones that are the most close-minded about who we are. They still see us the way they did when we were all very young. My mom is still astounded that I eat vegetables. She still sees me as a little girl who pouts when she puts a plate in front of me. I hated meal time. So I think that reading some things we write is a good way for family to get to know who we are !

You really are kind of bipolar ! This and that, this pole but this pole too.

I hate it when you remind me of it ! My therapist always brings it back. Why do you do this ?

Don’t you think that the way you like both extremes of things is a way of being bipolar ?

Ungh. Yeah. Why not.

You are so reluctant to admit that even if you are not ashamed of being bipolar, your personality is bipolar.

Yes. I. Am. I am not only bipolar, you know ! It’s true I have a tendency to like both extremes of things but it doesn’t mean I am and will only be a bipolar person. I’m not the only one like this.

Of course not.

And I am trying to focus so I come to a certain milieu, a middle.

Hum. Hum.

You drive me nuts !

Well isn’t  true that you will be volunteering with kids ?

Yes ?

But while you are in councelling in orientation to begin new studies, you are considering thanatology ? Virology or immunology ?

Yes…

Well…they are two different poles. Kids are life, freshness, new beginning. But what you are looking at to study and maybe have a new career is death and sickness.

So what ? Maybe I don’t want to do the same thing all over my life. Maybe I like having contraries and contradictions. Big elephant, small mouse. I like challenges, I like movement.

Okay then !