D’autres bonnes raisons d’avoir des enfants

  1. Pendant qu’on se pratique, ça passe le temps.
  2. Avec les enfants, le temps passe vite aussi, ça occupe.
  3. On a droit à un retour d’impôts.
  4. D’après mes constatations, pour les gens négatifs qui n’ont rien de mauvais à dire sur leur vie, les enfants sont un bon sujet de chiâlage.
  5. C’est à la mode.
  6. Quand il ne se passe vraiment rien dans la vie des adultes, les enfants sont un sujet de conversation. Au lieu de parler de lecture, de politique ou de sexe, on parle de games de soccer ou de professeurs d’école ou de broches. Au lieu de mentionner leurs bons coups, on parle de la garderie.
  7. Ça fait des parents des grands-parents complètement dingues.
  8. C’est une bonne excuse pour ne pas sortir.
  9. Ça fait paraître le monde tellement hot, surtout les pères qui promènent leurs petits.
  10. Tout le monde en a !

Bonnes raisons d’avoir des enfants

Hier soir, à 21h, alors que j’étais au lit avec mon livre…ma soeur m’a appelée. Première réaction : qu’est-ce qui se passe ?! Ça y est quelqu’un est mort, elle se sépare, son fils est à l’hôpital…

Même pas. Elle m’appelait pour m’offrir ses affaires de bébé et pour parler, parler, parler. Pas pour écouter. Dynamique familiale : je te pose des questions, mais je ne t’écoute pas. Je te parle mais ne réponds parce que si tu parles, je vais faire comme si je ne t’entendais pas.

Hier, j’ai reçu ma première carte de bébé de ma tante avec une carte-cadeau pour Wal Mart. 🙂

Puis, Ma Soeur m’a appelée. C’était un mélange de :

  • C’est tellement difficile, des fois je regrette d’avoir eu un enfant.
  • Je suis tannée de la confrontation.
  • Ça prend un siège qui vibre.
  • Je ne sais plus qui je suis.
  • J’ai besoin de me retrouver, je ne suis pas juste une mère.
  • C’est tellement difficile.
  • Tu vas être meilleure que moi. Je ne crois pas aux livres de psycho mais ça marche pour mes amies. Moi, je l’ai trop laissé aller.
  • Je vais retourner voir ma psy.
  • Tu vas voir, c’est difficile.
  • Je veux pas te dire que tu comprends pas parce que t’as pas d’enfants.
  • Je suis tellement contente pour vous autres. Ça paraissait pas parce que j’étais trop pognée dans mes affaires.
  • Etc.

Bref, conversation à sens unique.

J’ai accepté les affaires de bébé. Elle n’en veut pas de 2e alors je peux faire ce que je veux avec après les avoir utilisées. Ça ne me dérange pas d’avoir des affaires de gars, un bébé n’a pas de préférence and I’m not made of money. On sait pas, peut-être que je vais avoir un gars anyway.

Ce qui est drôle c’est que je pense aux avantages d’avoir des enfants depuis quelques jours :

  1. Pouvoir aller à la piscine quand elle est réservée aux enfants.
  2. Pouvoir utiliser les pataugeoires.
  3. Aller aux heures de conte de la bibliothèque.
  4. Se faire des amies qui ont aussi des enfants.
  5. Tester sa volonté, sa fermeté.
  6. Avoir une excuse pour faire des sandwichs en face de singe.
  7. Avoir plein de cadeaux.
  8. Des p’tites cuisses à croquer.
  9. Organiser une fête d’enfants complètement crackpot avec la nappe, les napkins, les banderoles, etc.
  10. Danser comme des malades sur des tounes pour enfants.
  11. Chanter les chansons de Passe-Partout.
  12. Partager ses valeurs et ses croyances.
  13. Montrer à dessiner.
  14. Cuisiner ensemble.
  15. Pouvoir aller se balancer, glisser et courir au parc.
  16. S’émerveiller de tout ce qu’on voit.
  17. Avoir quelqu’un de petit à rassurer.
  18. Raconter des histoires.
  19. Répondre à tous les pourquois.
  20. Maudite bonne excuse pour acheter plein de livres pour enfants.
  21. Enfin quelqu’un sur qui tester les recettes de bébé.
  22. Jouer dans la bouette.
  23. Et plein d’autres…

Ma Soeur m’a juste dit que c’est difficile. Mais, c’est pas juste ça un enfant. C’est une maudite bonne excuse pour retrouver son enfant intérieur.

Reasons why I should send my letter to my dad

  1. Because a letter is the best way of talking without being interrupted.
  2. I won’t see his reaction.
  3. I won’t get pressured in drinking alcohol (I resist and it turns into a struggle).
  4. I will get to tell him exactly what I think and feel.
  5. I won’t see HIM.
  6. It takes less energy to just send the damn letter than to go down there, find him and gather the courage to talk with him.
  7. I don’t have to battle with myself while I talk to him…don’t have to fight what’s natural to me : smile and laugh because I’m feeling unease and fear.
  8. It’s a coup de coeur when I get to send the letter (heart pounds, I am afraid he calls, etc.) and then I can act like I forget about sending it.

I didn’t choose him to be my dad. I don’t believe in « Honor thy parents » when the parents act like dickheads and douchebags. I’m an adult and I get to choose who I keep in my life and who I can live without.

Mon Blog

J’utilise mon blog pour :

  • Ventiler
  • Sortir de ma tête et de mon coeur ce qui fait de la tempête
  • Écrire sur mes expériences
  • Rire de moi
  • Rire des autres
  • Mettre mes photos
  • Lancer dans l’univers mes questions existentielles

Je sais que je suis bizarre, des fois. Je sais que je suis ordinaire, des fois.

Je sais que quand je suis en colère, ça fait des flammèches. Mais, ce n’est pas pour longtemps. Quand j’ai de la peine, j’ai tendance à le cacher. Quand je suis inquiète, toutes les histoires les plus débiles me viennent en tête et je me sens pognée avec. Quand je suis contente, j’ai besoin que ça sorte aussi.

C’est ça mon blog :

  • Comment je vois les choses
  • Comment je les ressens
  • Une photo de ce que je suis au moment où je l’écris
  • Ma thérapie. Il faut être honnête, payer quelqu’un pour parler, c’est vraiment pratique. Mais, quand tu n’as plus de psy ? Bonjour le tourment. Tout reste pogné en-dedans.

On the Tragic Consequences of being a Singleton

Yes. Indeed. There are tragic consequences to being single for a long period of time. Of course, for women and men, it is not the same but…it is still quite gruesome.

  • « What’s the use of doing this if no one’s gonna see it when you come back home? » Being single, trying to keep your spirits up, you decide on a pedicure, manicure, new hairdo…then someone hits you with the shovel. You might as well stop trying to keep up appearances.
  • « Are you gay? » Huh ? I’M SINGLE !! I haven’t enrolled in the army, in religion or I haven’t switched sides, I am only single, you twit.
  • « Where were you? » Well, it seems I can’t have a life now that I’m single. I should stay shacked up in my apartment, feeling sorry for myself.
  • Guys have told me some stuff…that I also witnessed. It seems that when a guy is single for too long he has trouble switching from paper to skin. 🙂
  • Girls become very intimate with their toys and very fond of their batteries, they have trouble switching from vibrate to thrusting, animated playdates.
  • Eyes become radars plugged to your brain, analyzing everything about any sample of the other sex walking by, shutting all conversation, independent thought and member coordination. Coffee spills, drool, walking into trees, name it.
  • Paranoia sets in about the world being against you : all good men are gone, all great-looking women are married, every single gal smokes and has a cat, guys with gold chains are city workers…
  • You could just as well hug your beach towel or your coat rack after a while. Anything with a bit of softness or plush will do.
  • You come this close to hump a desk or slide on a chair back. It’s all unconscious, your brain tricks you into sending messages around you « IN HEAAAAAT Come and get IIIIT ».
  • When another member of the opposite sex starts talking, you slide your hand around your beer and go up and down, play with your pens, put it in your mouth, lick your lips, stand tall or touch yourself.
  • Some singletons stop washing and go for coffee still smelling of bed, cigarettes or of beer. Eyes crusted, hair in a disarray. A disgrace to us all.
  • Some of them stop caring about clothes and start wearing…sneakers. All the time ! They put on fake logo shirts, jeans with holes, stained clothes…it’s sad.
  • You start going to the same places over and over « just in case » you bump into someone. You don’t know who…but what if. Not realizing that when you go to the same place you only meet the same people over and over again.
  • After a while you start living on a world of « what ifs ». What if it’s the last chance I had ? What if I never meet anyone ever again ? What if I never marry or have children ? What if that cute waiter was the man of my dreams ? What if I wrote to that model and she came to Montreal, and we hooked up ? What if I grew angel wings ?
  • Singles start noticing wedding bands after the end of the first month; couples everywhere at the first week; babies after a couple of months…they become angry, sad, nostalgic, depressed.
  • Girls decide it’s time. They start flirting outrageously and lose their cool, spilling themselves all over the place. Guys think it’s funny, she must be drunk, desperate, they bag her, she becomes the hamburger of the night.
  • Guys decide it’s time and make fools of themselves by croaking, shaking, fainting and end up going to the emergency room. Or they have weird pick up lines that make us laugh so hard that he gets offended and walks away.
  • We become encrusted in our routine. The longer we’re single, the longer it takes to make us do something new, daring, like going on a date. We can’t it’s a week night ! Laundry night ! Have to wash the dog, write my blog, clean the bathroom tiles with a toothbrush.
  • Next time the singleton sees a second toothbrush near the bathroom sink he freaks and tosses it far in the deepest part of the biggest wardrobe.
  • Pubic hair that doesn’t belong to him or her makes him shreeeeeek !!!
  • Holidays in the family are full of shame. Nobody to bring. Nobody to shift the focus of attention. Instead it’s all about : »So when can we expect you to settle down ? » « How long has it been ? Forever? »
  • Singletons have the better-looking plants. They have no one to talk to when they come home from work except their pets and plants.
  • Some become completely insane and start adopting cats, dogs, lizards, bunnies, turtles, fishes. Loneliness produces a very stinky apartment…and a thin wallet.
  • Eating becomes a dreaded time of the day, alone at the table. Planning meals is excruciating. Food goes to waste, nobody to share with, too much in the freezer that you don’t remember, yogurt cups start moving and they have a name of their own, veggies start a revolution in the fridge.
  • Hair takes over. Shaving days are pretty much over. It’s ajungle !
  • Older guys have no one to stop them from buying motorbikes, Mustangs or any thing with wheels they think will get them a girl.
  • Older women will start wearing too much jewelry, too much makeup, and wear clothes intended for younger women, getting tattoos. Anything to attract butterflies.

Over all, it’s a tragic life…
Oh, I hear cheese calling my name from the dairy drawer of my fridge. I have to go…

Good reasons NOT to drink

1. So you don’t have to pray to the porcelain gods

2. So you can act like you’re better than people who drink

3. So you can laugh at people who act stupid when they drink

4. So you don’t black out because you forgot that drinking while taking meds was kind of dangerous

5. So you can drive friends home

6. So you can keep friends safe from predators

7. So you don’t forget to keep an eye on your drink while you’re having a good time. That way you don’t end up naked in an hotel room alone and don’t know what the Hell happened.

8. So no one can take advantage of you and say you came on to her or him

9. So you always know what you’re doing, when, where, with who, how, why

10. So when you go from the party, you’re mental is in top shape

11. The next morning you have no headaches, no nausea and no breath of death plus your room doesn’t stink like a guy’s locker room after a hockey game

12. No puke on your clothes

13. No words you regret

14. You are damn sure you didn’t ask someone in marriage and forgot about it

15. So you don’t act violent with your family and say you love them just after.

16. So you don’t break promises (like being faithful, not drink again, stop eating poutine etc.)

17. So you don’t have to eat junk food because you know it’s a hangover food and you’re on a diet and now it’s all ruined !

18. Because when you drink you laugh very loud, then say stupid things, then cry, then are clingy and say lovey-dovey things to strangers, cry again, take off some clothes in public and will sleep with anyone who will want to.

19. Because drinking is not good for men ! It is not good to keep « IT » up.

20. Drinking may shoo away shyness at first but doesn’t do much about passion for girls either !

21. No stranger in your bed the morning after

22. When you don’t drink you don’t « forget » the condom ! And you have a pretty good chance of putting it on better.

23. Condom means NO MORNING AFTER PILL

24. No someone you know too well in your bed : an Ex or your brother’s wife or another variation…for example your dad ! It happened to someone I know.

25. So you don’t end up kissing someone you don’t like in front of the person you love

26. So you don’t end up in a human octopus of sex

27. So you are awake enough to take the person who is drunk away now that she or he has made a fool of her or him and can tell him or her ALL ABOUT IT next morning

28. Life is cheaper. Downtown Montreal cocktails are 8-10 $ and beers cost between 5 and 8 $, abottle of wine goes from 35 to 80 $

29. So you don’t become addicted to « the good feeling ».

30. So you don’t throw a chicken at your kids and jars of jam and olives at your husband…it happened for real.

31. So you don’t harrass your kids about their feelings for you.

32. So you don’t end up crying in the washroom, alone and desperate.

33. Strangers won’t be able to just knock you out in a parking lot…in full view, during daytime…and steal your paycheck.

34. You won’t lose your driving license…again.

35. If you don’t drink, there is no chance you will end up crying on your daughter’s shoulder and make her feel like she wants to die.

36. You won’t end up mixing booze with pills like Marylin Monroe and Heath Ledger.

I guess I could go on and on…

Bonnes raisons de rester célibataire

1. No need to worry about morning breath.

2. No parents-in-law or ex-girlfriends from Hell

3. No need to explain my past, justify who I am by explaining my background and education, my family, what I have lived through.

4. I can manage my own schedule without asking permission

5. I don’t have to justify the place friends and pets occupy in my life. Contrary to boyfriends, friends and pets last longer…

6. No need to live with food whims.

7. No one on me, above me, in me or anywhere in the vicinity who doesn’t shower, who belches, who farts abominously. Ungh, will never recover.

8. No One that touches me without my permission or makes me do things I don’t want to do.

9. Silence

10. No « I don’t feel the same as you do » after six months or « I need to think » when I need him most (sexual harassment suit at job and cat died for example, same week). Or  a picture of a house he wants to buy the first week, a discussion about living together in July (it’s our first week and we’re in February), a marriage porposal the fourth month, a baby proposal the fifth month.
ALL HAPPENED AND NOT WITH THE SAME GUY

11. No guy that kisses, flirts or sleeps with My Sister or thinks she’s soooo nice while looking at her breasts. Or friends.

12. I clean when I feel like it.

13. I wear the underwear I like and I don’t care if it doesn’t match.

14. I shave only because I go to the YMCA and I have to change in front of other girls. Except underarms, can’t stand hairy underarms.

15. I eat onions, shallots, garlic, Doritos.

16. I can look at every guy without feeling guilty

17. No better service than my own hands doing the job.

18. No one has a complex about their reading level or culture

19. No one to reassure about his penis or abilities in bed, about his physical shape either.

20. I sleep every night in my pyjama with my cat

21. I watch all the chick TV series and movies I want without any complaints

22. No heavy metal or electro or rap or classique or whatever all day long

23. No car

24. No television

25. No religious views brainwashing me and making me feel like a zero

26. It doesn’t matter if I make less or more money, it’s only me

27. I accept myself

28. No beer, no wine, no cigarettes, no drugs in my apartment and I don’t have to fight to explain it

29. Don’t have to talk

30. Except if it’s a false number, the phone only rings for me

31. I can take my time to heal

32.I can do things I have never done (when there is someone else I have to slow down or stop)

33. No kids

34. I don’t have to travel from one place to another

35. No fights, no « we have to talk », no couple problems.

36. No « I never said I wanted to marry you » It did happen to me. Painful.

37. Can’t get pregnant unless I do something.

38. No need to bring the Chosen One home to the family

39. My family has noone to tell horrible and shameful tales of me to. (Once my mom told my Sister’s boyfriend how my dad used to beat me when I was a couple months-old…and it was the first time I was hearing about it. I was mortified, ashamed and shocked. THERAPY)

40. The bed is my kingdom and mine alone

41. No « are we there yet » on my walks. No « huh? » at the museum or sighs at the library or when I go shopping.

42. I read hours without being bothered.

43. No wii, nintendo, or other stupid games

44. No guy to separate from my computer with the jaws of life

45. No Dunjeon Master in my living room  or kitchen taking up space and valuable time

46. No man hair in my bathroom. Didn’t bother me when I was living with one but now it’s always a huge shock.

47. No pee around the toilet bowl and no toilet seat up.

48. I do my home repairs myself even if they’re crooked

49. I take my shower first !

50. I pay the bills when I pay them