Le retour du gars « daté »

Pour le moment, tout est calme du côté des ex. Pas de nouvelles, bonnes nouvelles…pour moi.

Par contre, un gars que j’ai daté s’est retrouvé dans mon équipe. Par chance, je ne travaille pas directement avec lui. C’est un goujat.

Après toute l’excitation de commencer à le « dater », ma balloune s’est totalement dégonflée. Mon agressivité originale n’est pas partie, elle est toujours là. Je me sens comme un tigre quand il est là. J’ai le goût de mordre et de griffer. Personne d’autre ne  me fait sentir comme ça. J’ai pensé que c’était parce que j’étais attirée, d’où l’idée débile de le « dater ». Mais, finalement, c’est mon instinct ! Je veux lui sauter dessus et le battre parce qu’il le mérite.

Ça me fait rire de penser à ça.

Éventuellement, j’ai décidé que l’agressivité n’avait pas sa place sur les lieux de travail et que la froideur était pas mal plus acceptable et indiquée.

Donc, quand il a commencé à travailler avec notre équipe, j’ai fait semblant qu’il n’était pas là. Aussi bien comme ça. Je vais laisser les autres femmes se frotter à son machisme.Je vais laisser les autres se faire dire qu’elles n’ont pas de goût, que leurs bras sont trop gros, etc.

Je suis tellement contente que ça n’ait pas dépassé la 3e date et qu’il ne se soit rien passé. En fait, depuis que j’ai su qu’il allait travailler avec nous, je me suis sentie extrêmement soulagée de n’avoir couché avec aucun gars de la job. Brrrr ça aurait été l’enfer. J’ai juste à penser à quand j’ai travaillé avec mon ex…argh.

Sti. Quelle vie.

Du piano au désintérêt

Quand je me suis réveillée, c’était de la musique de piano qui jouait. J’ai repensé à mon rêve dans lequel mon ex, le Troll, utilisait SFX dans sa librairie et j’avais peur que ça f*** mon système de bibliothèque. Dans mon rêve, mon chat me suivait partout. Il marchait à côté de moi. Il ronronnait. Ben quand je me suis réveillée, mon chat dormait sur mon dos et je recommençais à avoir chaud.

Puis la tite musique de piano m’a fait penser à B.B., je me suis demandé c’est quoi déjà le nom du gars qui faisait la musique sur le CD qu’il m’avait prêté ? Puis, j’ai pensé à son ami, P.B. Le gars mystérieux par excellence. Jamais un mot et quand il parle, il faut tendre l’oreille sinon on entend rien. Hey, j’ai eu de la misère à me rappeler son nom de famille. On travaille sur le même étage, il ne me dit toujours pas salut sauf dans des cas extrêmes…comme quand il me regarde en pleine face !

Ce gars-là n’ira jamais hors de son chemin pour dire salut à quelqu’un. Un p’tit mur de brique silencieuses. Ou silencieux. Mur silencieux ou briques silencieuses…comme avoir l’air fou (même quand t’es une fille parce que c’est l’air qui est fou). Anyway. Il ne pose pas de questions, ne raconte rien sur sa vie privée, ne rit jamais à haute voix. Quand il éclate de rire, c’est un silence secoué. Tu vois deux épaules bouger, la bouche s’ouvrir un peu, les yeux se plisser un brin. Le temps que tu te demandes s’il a ri, c’est déjà fini.

Je me suis demandé comment un gars aussi bien repassé de sa personne, aussi silencieux dans ses éclats de rire, qui ne s’intéresse à personne et dont on pourrait oublier l’existence…ben, comment il fait pour se trouver une blonde ? Il est beau bonhomme, bien préservé pour le grand âge de au moins 40-45 ans. Mais, il n’a pas de charisme, pas le quotient niaiseux québécois ou le quotient chaleur tropicale étranger pour pogner.

Bon. Moi, je l’ai toujours trouvé étrange et mystérieux. Ce qui fait que je le trouvais intrigant et donc, intéressant. Mais, je savais que mon pattern me poussait vers les grands ténébreux qui disent rien. En plus, le gars est aussi vivant qu’une roche. Comme j’ai écrit, il ne sort jamais de sa route pour venir dire bonjour. Il ne raconte rien. Mais, il réussit à se faire des blondes et il a au moins un ami.

Conclusion ? Il est pas intéressé !! Soit il ne veut pas d’amis de la job (Sauf la pétasse de 22 ans qui travaille avec et qui le suit comme un chien de poche. Elle est vraiment conne, je vous jure. Je ne veux même plus manger sur mon étage quand elle est là. Tsé, innocente, blonde, qui connaît rien ? Anyway). Soit il ne veut rien savoir de moi. Peut-être que c’est moi qu’il trouve conne.

J’ai fini par me demander comment les gens font pour s’accrocher à des gens qui sont pas fins, pas drôles, pas intéressés. Patterns, nianiania blabla. Ça fait un bout que j’ai décroché de vouloir avoir des bonnes relations avec lui. Nos relations sont bonnes parce qu’elles sont inexistantes. Mais, j’ai jamais renoncé à la faire éclater de rire comme une tomate trop mûre échappée par terre en revenant du marché Atwater. Anyway.

Bon, là, c’est une espèce de musique de chambre qui joue et je n’ai pas fait mon lunch. Pis j’ai un stagiaire aujourd’hui. Il faut que j’y aille.

Derniel email de B.

I received an email from B. saying that his kid made him too busy to meet women and have relationships. Oh well, it confirmed that « He’s just not that into me ».

Oh and could I give the CDs he lent me to a friend I work with. It made me nervous thinking what I would say when I meet him, and finally he sent an email.

He told me Sunday that he is in the habit of changing his mind so after he told me he would come by work, but I doubted he would come.

I am relieved that it’s over. I wasn’t interested anymore but reading his email still zinged. I felt in my chest the pain of not being wanted, rejected. But it’s okay, after a few moments it went away. And now I’m fine.

Ça feel comme un Ex

The way I’m feeling about B. right now reminds me of how I felt with an ex of mine. Angry, frustrated and uninterested in continuing to see him.

I wake up at night and obsess about why, why not, what he said, what I’m going to say, what happened, what didn’t. Next thing you know it’s 4am.

I can’t believe I’m so angry. The guy said some things and they didn’t affect me because I am who I am and am not going to change stupid things for a guy like the way I dress, where I live, etc. So it’s not what he said but how he said it. It affected my emotions but not my actions.

Like I wrote, I obssess. I think about his reaction to the fact that I like Bach and Chopin. I was stunned by his disgust at the pieces I like. He then suggested something else. What is that ? I mean, musical, literary or artistic tastes are not discussable. People like what they like and you can say you don’t like it, you prefer something else but don’t act disgusted or like the other person’s stupid for liking something else. I am angry. I feel judged.

Thing is, he may think people are going to change to please him but I won’t. Why would I love Mahler when I really love Chopin ? Why would I have another bag when the one I have is practical and suits my needs ? Why would I dress like a hussy when I like the way I dress ? Why, for Petie’s sake would I live in Laval or ville d’Anjou when I really love where I live, it’s near everything ! I’m 15-20 minutes away from work by metro, 20 minutes away from downtown or Old Port on foot, I’m near the gym, the hardware store, the groceries…

If someone needs to be judged it’s him. The guy is 46 and lives with his mom. That is freaky and I’m never gonna get over THAT ! Trying to apply Buddhist principles is hard when you’re so angry…

Bonjour mon amie

Your email made sense even with no re-reading. I was too tired to respond yesterday (not because of the email!). So I reread your email and am now ready to answer ! Maybe your mom’s cat has some sympathetic pains over what is happening with your mom ? You know, like men who have fake pregnancies ? I’m glad that your palliative care unit has such a good reputation. I hear these units are essential and as you say Godsends. You mom will be well taken care of, I am sure.

Your body probably needs some rest if you are sick more often. Do you still have insomnia ? I have been feeling very tired lately. My life is Bridget Jonesian and not for the best. When I’m alone I’m feeling great, I like being single. But when I date, I just feel so discouraged. How do I find these men ??!! Fortunately, I take my time so I don’t end up regretting « something » I’ve done with a guy that I will not have a future with.

Latest in my wonderful dating world is B. I met him in 2005. He went to work elsewhere short after. We have some chemistry, the kind where it is so easy to bug one another. I decided to say how sorry I am for being on the defensive that way, I don’t know why I react like this around him. He said it’s his fault and asked me to dinner. I said yes and was soooo excited that I’m only recovering from the exhaustion from having burned so much fuel over a date last wednesday.

We saw each other three times and I’m already thinking it’s not a good idea. Is it so bad to want someone that doesn’t live with his mother at the tender age of 46 ? Who doesn’t cave in to his son by giving him an Aero bar, a very rich hot chocolate AND an Extreme chocolate brownie from Juliette and Chocolat? Who doesn’t think that « being there » for a kid is by taking him to Disney World, Cuba, the biodome and whatever else ? Who has a job that does require him to stay in one place ? Who doesn’t make comments on the width of my arms, the size of my shoulder bag and doesn’t look at me like I’m an insect ?

He is 46, has been divorced for five years, has a five year-old son that he has with him when he comes back from touring around the province or the world. He’s a touristic guide for T., he’s away weeks at a time. He hasn’t given me his number even though I have asked at least three times. And he says about himself that he is self-centered ( he has said that many times, very uninspiring). Up to date he has contradicted himself about what he tells a couple of times. And he told me that he has a very reliable babysitter…which turns out may be his mother…which turns out might be the woman he lives with…He doesn’t cook, he eats in restaurants. He has never had animals and doesn’t show interest in my cat. This really is a deal breaker. Don’t you think ? hehe

After the Vietnamese cook who had sanitary napkins in his bathroom even if he had been separated for three years (long story), the bookseller who cheated on me by internet with a girl he met on a trip (and may have cheated in 3D), the artist who dumped me without giving any excuse, the older guy who kept making comments about younger women he saw everywhere (all were different from me and had great eyes, wonderful legs…), I am really on the brink of entering the convent. Maybe not. But I’m on the brink of renouncing men ! Maybe not.

However, there is a silver lining. I went to the café Sunday (I was supposed to see B. that afternoon and have dinner but he cancelled and only kept dinner) with C. who I hadn’t seen in a couple of weeks and I spent a great afternoon…staring at Manu the waiter. The cafe was closed for renovations and we hadn’t returned there since December. Manu seemed VERY happy to see me, we almost hugged…but didn’t. Caroline says he wanted to put his hand on my back when we were leaving but patted my arm instead. He is younger and so sexy. Eye candy, really. And he is studying in « kitchen school ». Anyway, he looked at me a lot while we were there. It is quite a velours.

So that’s what’s going on. I know there is someone out there who will love me for who I am : I am not a heel wearer, I don’t put on makeup often, I do have a big shoulder bag, I talk a lot and am analytic more than emotional. Anyway.

My little dramas are only that, small. But I do hope it brought a smile on your lips and has brought diversion ! 🙂 Apart from that I have been going to the gym 4-5 times a week and it FINALLY shows. Small sigh of contentment here. I feel more solid, less vulnerable in my body. That’s all for now. Boy does it feel good to write about this !

Inspirer, expirer, laisser aller, répéter

I have such trouble sleeping when I think about B. that I have to think about something else. My nerves are all bunched up. Why isn’t it easier to date ? I wish it was like in my teenage years, we fancy each other, think we look hot so let’s bring it on. Let’s hold hands.

So at night when I wake up and can’t sleep, I inhale, exhale and say « let it go », inhale, exhale, let gooo. It does help. I remind myself that not all things are meant to be, that I WILL find someone who will like me however screwed up I am, that this guy will live alone, won’t have memorabilia from an ex all over the place, will not take me for a Band-Aid, a mother, a whore…

INHALE, EXHALE, LET GOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO

LA date

I was so excited I had to get out of the bus before my stop so I would walk off the nerves. I arrived before him and although he said he might be late, he was on time.

Boy is he handsome. He has humor in his eyes. I just wanted to sneak up next to him and hug. Which I did not.

We talked for hours. Unfortunately I talked more than he did because he was asking questions that I had to develop. But I was feeling that I had all the time in the world to ask him more questions…later. There is definitelty « something » between us. I found it easy to talk and laugh. And his body language told me very clearly he was interested. I wanted to know more and more.

I am interested, very much. But I want to take my time. And it might be a problem for him because he would like to see me more than he can but for me, it’s perfect. He has a five year-old son that he sees when he comes back from his travelling. He travels a lot becasue it’s his job. He would like to have more kids if he finds the right woman but his travelling might make things harder.

I had a great time ! But waiting for him to contact me again is painful. I am afraid he’ll change his mind even if we have lots in common. He wants to go walking this Sunday if it’s not raining. I would like that too.

Tsk. Une chance que j’ai pris mon temps. Un rendez-vous n’est jamais assez pour juger quelqu’un ou les chances de faire un bon couple.