C'est quoi ton secret ?

3 octobre 2007

I could have answered « Secret : strong enough for man, made for a woman » but I just asked what he was talking about.

My colleague was looking at me and asking me what was my secret for staying calm. Hum. I laughed and said « Pills ». I like joking about the fact that I do take Smarties (Topamax and Manerix).

I followed by « What do you mean, calm ? » It could have meant that I look like I am aloof or that I don’t care. But I knew it wasn’t what he meant by that. He wanted to know how I stayed…calm. Detached, focused. It is a weird question. I laughed.

And I answered from my point of view. Here is my secret :

1. I focus on my job and if I have nothing to do I focus on Facebook, on the net, on what I have on my desk.

2. I try not to participate too much in the debates around me. I do at lunch time and I even launch them but when I’m at my desk, I am very into what I’m doing. So I try not to reply to the stupid things my colleagues might say (sexist, racist or other).

3. Contrary to other women my age (according to statistics and tests I’ve taken recently, taken with a professional) I think with logic and not with emotions. So if a guy talks to me, he just talks to me. No time is lost in daydreaming about the beautiful kids we’ll have. I think according to my experience and the data I have and I am in an investigative mood most of the time.

4. I am an introvert. I don’t care what others think and I don’t go much towards others. I keep pretty much to myself. I listen and I watch attentively. I will intervene eventually but not until I have all the facts and I know what to do and what to say.

5. I am emotional when it is time to express myself. But mostly I’m alone or with my therapist. At other times I analyze and learn.

My secret ? I’m an undercover robot here to analyze human behaviour.

Je feel merdique

29 mai 2009

It’s been two days and I already can’t wait for my mood to lighten up. It’s so weird how starting a new therapy or ending one can just make me feel like crap ! I don’t know why, don’t understand how it works but it’s automatic. I feel like everything is the end of world which was how I was before. There is still that part of me that finds humor in things and positive things to say. But inside, I feel so…angry. Bitchy. Lucky for me and everyone else, it’s not too apparent and if it comes out it doesn’t last long. I must keep thinking that all that comes down must come up. Eventually.

Les apparences

On me juge sur mon apparence.

J’ai l’air plus jeune que mon âge, j’ai l’air tranquille et sans histoires. Je n’ai jamais eu l’air malade sauf quand j’ai changé de médicaments et que j’avais l’air de regarder les Teletubbies sur mon écran d’ordi.

Une de mes amies juge tous les livres à leurs couvertures. Les gens sont bien bons pour me juger sur mon apparence.

« On dirait pas ça ». Non. Effectivement.

Les gens peuvent me côtoyer pendant longtemps sans me connaître plus que ça. Surtout que la plupart des gens ne posent pas de questions.

Ma mère ne peut même pas me demander comment ça va tellement elle a peur de le savoir…même si ça va bien. Mes amis ne posent pas de questions non plus. Ils se contentent de l’apparence. Et si je parle, on fait semblant que je n’ai rien dit ou on devient effaré. Les gens ne savent pas quoi dire.

On ne dirait pas que j’ai été bipolaire, que j’ai pris des médicaments pendant 13 ans, que je suis en thérapie depuis 4 ans…On ne dirait pas que je viens d’une famille d’alcooliques, que je me suis fait violer, que j’ai vécu avec un dealer de drogue et avec un sociopathe aussi…On ne dirait pas que j’ai déjà fait des photos nues, que j’ai déjà été arrêtée par la police…

C’est pas écrit dans mon front ! Mais c’est là.

Et je ne m’empêche pas de parler quand j’ai le goût. Je me dis que ça va les choquer et que ça va les ébranler…

Pas capable de trouver des raisons d’avoir un chum

I was supposed to write good reasons to have a boyfriend and I couldn’t find any reason that was not either pathetic for the guy, silly for me or plainly obviously an effort at writing something.

I can’t believe I can’t find any good reason to have a boyfriend or anyone in my life. I’m astounded. Many of my friends can’t even breathe without having a crush on someone or without at least sleep with someone every few months. I was the same way. My record without a man in my life was four months and I felt I was drowning. Since I started being single I barely look at guys. If they look at me, I don’t even smile. I don’t want to encourage them and I worry too much about patterns.

Even though it feels like it’s been forever since the last time I was in a relationship or the last time I was physical with a man, I don’t see the end of it and don’t seem to want it to end.

I don’t care about not having sex. I don’t care about not getting affection or attention. I certainly don’t care about not having anyone to share the bathroom with. Or my thoughts or dreams or whatever. Anyway, they don’t care either.

I was afraid to be single but now I can’t see the end of it and I don’t want to be in a relationship again. Kind of. I think of a future relationship I could be into. But it seems very very far. Just thinking about being with someone makes me tired and irritated. Nothing ever goes right. Maybe it’s because I don’t choose the guy and he chooses me, I feel honored to be considered and I date the guy. I’m distant and it drives him nuts so he wants us to be exclusive and I don’t want to hurt him so I say yes. But since I don’t know him that much I’m not attached and this pressure to get exclusive and fall in love at the same time he does (because that’s what happens) just red flags the whole thing. So I’m just more distant and he gets even more clingy.

I don’t want that anymore. I just want to take my time. It’s what I always want. I end up with guys who are on cloud 17, madly intoxicated while I’m still firmly on the ground, bored, or worried, and worrying about when they will finally get back down again. Hoping they come back down. Just waiting for the day they find out who I really am and they get back down and we can finally get on with our real lives. Or just waiting for them to find out who I really am and be disappointed. Instead guys have this distorted image of me. I guess I appeal to the macho man in them. I hate it.

It has been years since the last time I was in a relationship where I felt like I could be myself, like I was seen as the real me. It has been seven years since a man has seen me as strong, willfull, intelligent, funny, sexy, beautiful… They see me as vulnerable, lost, in need of attention and help.

I do need help with anything electronic but besides that I do fine on my own. I guess all the time I am spending alone I’m waiting for a real man to show up somewhere. A man I can say hi to and just get to know him without him getting all protective and jealous. I do have expectations. I have an ideal. But an ideal is just that, something that is a perfect image I will never find but is a basis for what I’m looking for and hope to find. I have a list of points I’m looking for in a man. Since it’s an ideal, I know I will not find all I’m looking for in one person, it’s impossible. But it’s still a reference list. I also have things I do not want and that are non negociable.

The thing is even if I have all of this I’m not looking and I say to everyone how happy I am alone. So anyone who dreams of matching me can just forget it. I guess all those years in bad relationships plus what I have to deal with with my parents are to blame for this mess. I’m feeling sick at the idea of having a relationship and can’t find one really good reason to have a boyfriend. Don’t think about having a girlfriend, I’m not gay. I know I asked a lesbian friend of mine and I explored the topic in therapy just in case. How could I not when I fail every relationship and sex just makes me want to crawl out of my skin ? It has not always been this way. But now it is.

I feel claustrophobic at the idea of sex right now. I’m so discouraged. When I had lovers at the age of 25 everything was so great. I had to fuck it up and have relationships and try to have boyfriends. I had to meet clingy men, possessive, jealous, weird men. Now every time I meet a new man, I wonder what is wrong with this one that I’m attracted to him or him to me. There must be something wrong. I am right. There is always something terribly wrong. While they climb on their cloud, I just wait to find out and I always do. Drugs, alcohol, mental illness, bad childhood…I could try to « make it work » but I don’t want to relive my childhood by trying to save some guy the way I always wanted to save my parents, plus all these negative feelings trapped inside… If I stay I just give everything I have and keep no energy for me and lose all my self-esteem (the so little I have).

Therapy is supposed to give me hope. So I guess that hoping I will have a relationship in a very far future is okay. I guess that waiting to find someone better than the twits I have been with for the last couple of years is something too. Having expectations is better than just taking anyone who comes along.

But I’m thirtysomething and the clock’s ticking. It’s getting on my nerves. Why couldn’t it be as simple as staying with the boyfriend I had in high school ? He was a safe driver, didn’t drink or use drugs, and even if I didn’t like kissing back then, I could have waited more. Sigh. My parents liked him. Okay, maybe he was wrong for me if my parents liked him. Oh crap. I’m getting nowhere…

Gerard SuperCat Detective

If he was human he would be a biker. One has to see him to understand but I almost bought an Harley Davidson collar for him.

He lived with his human three houses from me. At the time I thought that his human had moved or that his human was careless. I saw him maow in front of the house and bent to pet him. He’s a big cat, quite a guidoune. He will let himslef be touched by anyone.

So a couple days after I see him again. « Come ! My neighbour has food. » He doesn’t follow. After taking him in my arms to smell his cat smell (hum wet cat fur) and pet him, I let him down and go home.

Then a week after, he is still there, outside, meowing so loud I would think people would hear ! I pet him again, he ‘s so cuuuute. He followed me. Good, I thought, he will come eat madame Monette’s food. But he came in…ohoh. I closed the door, quickly went to the store and bought litter and food and came back. I opened the upstairs door so he could come in, insatlled the litter and a bowl of food. He stayed the night. He came back the night after. He disappeared for a day or two and came back and is still there !

I since learned that his name was Bonsaï, and that he lived with a neighbour. Oups. The neighbour was depressed so the cat disappeared even if he was fed with shrimp and salmon. he had also belonged to his ex and she had found him on the street.

So Gerard the Detective Cat, lives with me and explores the neighbourhood in search of information mafia-related. He goes into the neighbour’s house, dominates cats that want to claim porches as their own, and makes friends all over ! A neighbour once found him in his closet. Another found him under the bed. He mostly likes to be pet and hugged even by kids. It freaks out madame Monette who thinks he’s going to be kidnapped. Little does she know that he is a Biker, a survivor, a true detective !!