I had this terrible nightmare a while ago and I can’t shake this feeling of weight, of doom.

I am used to having nightmares, dreams about anxiety, family situations and other stuff. I never have the dream of being naked in front of the class, of walking alone in a deserted city. No, I dream of being caught without any choice, no one listening to me, hearing me.

That nightmare wasn’t different. It had it all : anxiety, having no choice or say in the situation, violence. I dreamt that I had a little brother. We were living apart, he was with my godfather and I was with my mother. We would trade places once a year.

In my dream, I was 12 years-old and he was maybe 6. I didn’t want to trade places, I was panicky. I yelled, cried, I dropped on the flour and hurled objects on the floor, the walls so someone would take me seriously. I didn’t want to go. Panicked, I felt myself suffocating. My mom didn’t want to hear anything about it. I was to go and that’s it, it was my turn. My little brother was mad at me because he didn’t want to go back at my godfather’s and my godfather really wanted me to go.

I was in the bathroom, getting ready to take a shower and he showed up at the window. I was still dressed. I screamed. I said I didn’t want to go and he tried to grab me through the window. I was so mad I closed the window very hard and it broke the window sill. The window was crooked.

My mom wouldn’t hear what I said, I followed her and she insisted I go. I said « If I go he’s going to rape me! » She didn’t care. In fact, she didn’t understand fully what I meant. I could feel my godfather’s penis trying to penetrate me even though he wasn’t next to me. This feeling lasted during the whole dream almost.

At some point, I’m dead. My mom is at the morgue and she pulls a refrigerated drawer. I’m supposed to be in it. But I’m not. I’m at her side. Inside the drawer is a female stag…sorry I don’t have the word in english. When my mom pulls the drawer, the stag comes up. She has a hole in her chest and one in her head. It’s see-through. My mom pushes the drawer in and the female stag goes down.

Then I see myself, my brother and my godfather in an ambulance. My brother yells at me to go with my godfather. I don’t want to. I’m pretty sure my brother hasn’t been touched. I don’t like that my godfather wants me to go so bad. I see his face change. He has this mask of anger, rage. I know then that he’s going to beat us up.

First one is my brother. At that point I see the ambulance from far away and I hear my brother’s cries of pain. They sound like dog yelps. I see his cries. It hurts me inside to know he’s getting beaten up. Before it’s my time, I wake up.