Après le cauchemar

Novembre 2008

The nights after my horrible nightmare have been calm. I do dream but remember nothing. I still think about it a lot. My therapy session went bumpily while I told my dream. I was irritated, panicky. I have wanted to get to the bottom of my feelings about the incest I may have gone through. Now that it’s at the limit of my consciousness, I am afraid it will destroy everything I have built these last few years. It could be the shadow of the incest my mom has lived. It certainly is about my father and situations I have gone through. Certain elements come back in other dreams or in reality, some come from my past.

I had a strong reaction in therapy at one time, I was trying to convince my therapist to believe me about something. It was intense, I was extremely anxious and she didn’t know what brought it on…I didn’t remember trying to convince someone that much. Except for an ex I had to convince that I was raped by a guy I went to school with. He never believed me.

The part where I throw myself on the floor (in my dream) I remember. My mom couldn’t deal with me anymore and she decided to send me to live with my father. I had quite a fit. I threw myself on the floor, I screamed, I cried, I begged. When my father arrived minutes later, I was in a state, I was completely out of it, screaming. He then proceeded to kick me while I was on the floor.

I don’t have a brother. I have a sister, and a half-sister. In my writings or in my daydreams, my sister is replaced by a brother. She has been almost raped by my father. Noone has ever been to the police. I would have gone but it hasn’t happened to me (with my dad)…I think.

The feeling of the penis trying to force me has been something recurring in my dreams for a while. If it is true, could it explain my lack of enthusiasm about sex ? The pain I felt for years ? It could explain the depression, the dissociation. It’s only recently that things have been going well sexually. I’m anxious about this. I really don’t feel good.