Ça feel comme un Ex

The way I’m feeling about B. right now reminds me of how I felt with an ex of mine. Angry, frustrated and uninterested in continuing to see him.

I wake up at night and obsess about why, why not, what he said, what I’m going to say, what happened, what didn’t. Next thing you know it’s 4am.

I can’t believe I’m so angry. The guy said some things and they didn’t affect me because I am who I am and am not going to change stupid things for a guy like the way I dress, where I live, etc. So it’s not what he said but how he said it. It affected my emotions but not my actions.

Like I wrote, I obssess. I think about his reaction to the fact that I like Bach and Chopin. I was stunned by his disgust at the pieces I like. He then suggested something else. What is that ? I mean, musical, literary or artistic tastes are not discussable. People like what they like and you can say you don’t like it, you prefer something else but don’t act disgusted or like the other person’s stupid for liking something else. I am angry. I feel judged.

Thing is, he may think people are going to change to please him but I won’t. Why would I love Mahler when I really love Chopin ? Why would I have another bag when the one I have is practical and suits my needs ? Why would I dress like a hussy when I like the way I dress ? Why, for Petie’s sake would I live in Laval or ville d’Anjou when I really love where I live, it’s near everything ! I’m 15-20 minutes away from work by metro, 20 minutes away from downtown or Old Port on foot, I’m near the gym, the hardware store, the groceries…

If someone needs to be judged it’s him. The guy is 46 and lives with his mom. That is freaky and I’m never gonna get over THAT ! Trying to apply Buddhist principles is hard when you’re so angry…

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