Tu pourrais être aussi aimable qu’un requin, qu’un tigre ou qu’un alligator

Things you should know about me in words so they register better or so you can come back and read them again and  again and again. I kept thinking about our talk and I had trouble thinking and I wonder if I should send you this…

1)    I’m an early bird. I bounce all around and right now, Sunday morning at 9 o’clock I listen to R&B music.
2)    I HATE heavy metal and techno music. I tried and it didn’t work. The closest I come to heavy metal is punk and I just have two burned CD a friend made me. He knew what I would like. It has been 6 or 7 years and I still love those CDs.
3)    I have every kinds of music besides that. Kind of. Practically no CDs, it’s all in my computer.
4)    I come from a fucked up family. I have not been to my hometown since last year for My Sister’s birthday. Seeing her made me itch all over, scrich, scrich. I asked my parents to see me outside the parental house, places without alcohol.
5)    My real father and mother and Sister are alcoholics. So are my uncles, on both sides and so were my grandfathers on both sides. My little sister is not yet and I hope she won’t be, I hope I’m a better influence. I have other fucked up stuff of my own she can take from though.
6)    I never took drugs by choice. I never will, don’t want to.
7)    I lived with a dealer. He was a roommie and he offered but even if I came close I said no.
8)    I had another roommie who always told her druggie stories and hearing any drug story or drinking story makes me very uneasy because I am the one suffering from people getting drunk or high. They do stupid stuff, don’t remember they have a life and people who care about them and squish them like a bug. Like the time my mom told me it was my fault she drank this much when I was there because she wanted to know if I still loved her the morning after. She was way past the drunk stage. If didn’t feel guilty that my parents split up when I was little, and they drank…that did it.
9)    My Sister was also a coke head. No explanations needed here.
10)    I am trying to change my life and have been going to a therapist for the last two years because coming from a family of weird and unstable individuals who can’t take care of themselves and who are violent and mean has affected every aspect of my life. I needed to talk and find solutions.
11)    I only drink when I feel safe.
12)    I don’t feel safe easily.
13)    My apartment is my nest and there is not a lot of people allowed inside. Sometimes it takes years to become my friend and to come to my place.
14)    I have known my share of psychopaths and I am always checking for signs. So if my eyes are focused and my face is set and I’m pretty intense, you can bet I’m in computer mode, analyzing you and checking if you’re safe to be around or if you’re gonna go psycho on me.
15)    I don’t like to be touched. It sends an alarm signal all the way up my spine through my head and skin. I can’t be touched without all my being taking notice and screaming. I may not tell the other about it until the person does it too often. Only boyfriends and female friends can touch me without triggering the alarm. They do but I try to calm the alarm. I guess that having violent parents does that.
16)    It’s just a thing I have about my own security. People don’t seem to get that touching is personal and even if it’s nice to hug and touch, between men and women friends it is ackward to do so and sends messages about romance or sex unless they’re gay.
18)    Yeah, I know my boundaries are HUGE.
19)    I am not attracted easily and don’t fall in love easily. I don’t trust people who find me attractive and likable. It means they are going to do something mean, hurtful. People that love me are usually the ones that hurt me the most. I am not going through this every time I meet someone.
20)    I guess people like me at work because I don’t crowd them and they tell me stuff and I don’t blab. I don’t go back asking if they feel better about their rape, harassment, invasion by parasites, whatever. I never get why people trust me with stories like that because, really, I only talk about what I don’t care about like coming from an alcoholic family. It’s dealt with so it doesn’t mean I trust them. I am not putting myself out there.
21)    Plus, I’m confrontational, pig-headed, I talk too much about taboo subjects, I have no class. I make them think too much. They go back home with way too many questions.
22)    My cat is the man of my life : big, hairy and he takes half the bed.
23)    I am single by choice because I seem to attract men with problems and I want to break the cycle so when I find the right guy I will go for it. Men with problems : smokes or eats pot every day, drinks too much, impotent, only wants sex, only wants sex a certain way, obsessive-compulsive, nesting habit from ebay, works way too much, mean, violent verbally, jealous, sees other women « as friends » (AH), wants an open relationship, manipulative, sexually harassing with women, treats me like dirt and worse, sexually harasses my stuffed bunny by trying to stuff it himself. Oh there is also addiction to TV and computer or motorized vehicle. I really do mean addiction here. Oh there is also the communication thing. There is none.
24)    Those men usually don’t cook, don’t clean, have to be taught about hygiene both body and house and have very few physical activities…what a waste.
25)    Unless I specifically ask for something, I don’t want to receive something when all I said is « I need », « I don’t have the money to buy », « What a cute… ». Saying those things doesn’t mean I want someone to buy them for me. It makes me feel guilty, cheap and like I owe the other for services.
26)    I am fully capable of taking care of myself. I am no plumber and I can’t build wood furniture unless they come in a box from Ikea but I don’t need to be saved. Expecting a guy to save me, or always be there just ends up being deceiving because  no one can be there forever.
27)    I may look small or fragile, whatever what I look like from a guy’s point of view, but I am not. I am not a tank either and that’s why I don’t want to hear horror stories. I lived through enough and I know too much of the world already. I am afraid all the time of coming face to face with people of my past or to have to live through with another chapter of pain, I don’t want to hear your stories of addiction and of glorification of criminal activities. It’s not fair to me.
28)    But I do volunteering with kids where they tell secrets. That way I can offer solutions and be there. No one was there for me, I can be there for them.
29)    In a fight or flight situation I used to have the freeze reaction. Later I had the fight reaction and I was very depressed, burnt out and that’s what got me in therapy. Now, I fly away. If there’s sign of trouble I don’t want to be there.
30)    If you don’t want me to tell the police or anyone, don’t tell me because if they ask questions I can’t lie. It takes me very much energy to say to an ordinary person that I don’t want to talk about it. To the police I won’t lie even if I don’t like them and don’t trust them. I’m gonna tell.
31)    I don’t take baths (I take showers), don’t wear frilly underwear and don’t look like a supermodel. I don’t even come close to girls in your tattoo magazine so it’s no use imagining.
32)    I am NOT gonna have tattoos on me. My real dad and uncles have tattoos and My Sister have some. I am not ! I feel it would be playing oui-ja with my body.
33)   I am no fairy princess, you are no Lancelot. There will be no chivalry.
34)   Pet names, sweeties, deary, honey and other such names are for lovers or parents and their child. I am NOT anyone’s sweetheart. I have always hated being called by other names than my own except by really sweet older women because they were always nicer than my mother.
35)   I’m threatening of smacking you behind the head (like a cat) would but I can’t hurt people without being provoked. And I will not practice with you because I’m scared, it makes me have flashbacks.
36)   You are likable and sweet. Yes, I detected someone like me behind the tough exterior. It could be my overactive imagination, the patterns as usual telling me that something dangerous has to be taken care of like alligators and tigers and sharks. There will be a safe distance between our different  sweetness. Even if there are similarities in our histories.
37) My brain is like a computer that registers information you send it. I registered that you are breaking up with your girlfriend. I am refusing to be the plaster girl. I will not be the flirt that consoles your broken heart. I know it has been decided months ago bla bla. But I know how anger, resentment, sadness comes back up when one is alone in a new apartment. How the solitude gnaws at someone. I do not believe you are over her. So I will not be the scotch tape that repairs the parts of your heart that are falling apart. I will be there to talk and laugh but that’s all there will be.

Once you realize that I’m serious and I will not fall into your arms, that I resist this pattern of mine, you will go away like the others or you will become as dangerous as you can or as mean as you can be.

After all, friendship and love are similar. At first there is the idealization phase where the other is « the same, perfect and can do no wrong ». Why do you think I destroy everything you think is the same ? Why do you think I put those differences between us ? So you don’t go on that cloud and stay here with me, aware of me, of you and really become a friend and not a guy in love.