Self-interview 3


What are you doing ? It’s Saturday Morning, 8:59 and you’re already showered and dressed, you’ve already posted a thousand stories ?

Hum. Couldn’t sleep, woke up early and did a bit laundry as well. Fed the cat also.

What’s going on ?

I am worried about my friends. And I’m worried about being too intelligent.

What are you babbling about ?

You know about fear of failure, right ?

Yeah.

Well, it seems I have fear of success. It means that I often play dumb so people will like me or so people won’t despise me. I usually sttop to my friend’s level so I have friends at least instead of trying to find friends at my level.

I’m confused.

Okay. I took IQ tests and I’m intelligent. And for a couple of years it’s been getting worse, it’s not steady intelligence, a brain that’s just there and act intelligent. You know ?

No.

Grumble. Okay, you have smart people. They’re smart. That’s it. I feel my brain, not getting bigger but getting smarter kind of. I can do things I couldn’t do before and faster.

What can you do that you couldn’t ?

Find solutions. Logic. Manipulate. Have good ideas. Find meanings and concepts. I’m sure there is other stuff I haven’t thought of.

What does it have to do with your friends ?

For a couple of months I’ve been asking myself questions about the meaning of friendship, how does it start, where does it end and why ? And I’ve been looking at my friendships. I have always looked at friendship as a different kind of love. Friendship is a love relationship, all that is lacking is the physical aspect of love. There is love at first sight and passion, there is can’t get enough of the other, there is sharing, intimacy. The thing is, in our intimate relationship we reproduce our family relations. We date our mother or father. We look for the same pattern unconsciously and we do the same with our friends. It’s the comfort zone. That’s what we know so we do it again and again.

Okay so what about it ?

It bugs me. My friends are like my mom and like My Sister. I don’t get along with my mom and I don’t speak with My Sister anymore.

Why ?

For example, My Sister never asks how I’m doing. I have been diagnosed as Bipolar when I was twenty. It affects my moods. She never asks how I’m doing. It would be appreciated. She’s self-centered, she gets what she wants out of people and dumps them, she flirts with guys who have girlfriends or sleeps with them, she slept with other guys while she had a boyfriend, she drinks and becomes mean, in fact, she always was mean.
My mother never acted as a mother between us so it didn’t help. She said we could settle our agreements by ourselves even when we were three and five. So she won’t tell My Sister to shut up when she talks to me like I’m dirt. Everytime I see her I have Eczema. It started last year.
They are immature and self-centered. When I tell them good news about my job all they ask is how much it pays. Otherwise it’s another platonic comment like : Ah.
So my friends are self-centered and selfish, only concerned about boys, tossing me aside when one comes around, and immature. No interesting conversation, no culture.
Not all my friends are like that but most are unfortunately. I’m talking about close personal friends with who I’m supposed to share and talk and, you know. Not acquaintances.

Okay but when does the intelligence factor come in ?

My mom always thought I judged her (she drinks too) so I always try so hard to please her and be nice and listen to her endless stories. It’s the same with everyone, instead of being myself and risk being alone I prefer being too nice and stoop to their level and being bored to death. I’m understimulated. But if I talk too much, being me, I’m told to shut up or the conversation changes or there is silence and it comes back to them.

Haven’t you changed lately ?

Yes ! Don’t think people are too pleased either.

Why not ?

How would you like it if your daughter said : »Mom, I passed a test, and guess what ? I’m so more intelligent than you all are ! » Plus, a lot of people want others to fail. One of my colleagues, every time I have good news he looks away scrunching his face, everytime I say something bright and intelligent that makes sense, he says « Okay Dr Psycho that’s enough! ».

How does it show that he wants you to fail ?

He does not laugh or smile at what I say, really and he’s not happy for me. He seems bothered every time I say something more interesting than  the relentless  nagging about the workplace. I feel different.

Ah-Ah!!

Yes, I do. I’m starting to feel very lonely up in my tower.

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Classé dans Général, La vie de famille, Travail

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