J’ai marché sur l’eau

I was 25, newly single after having lived with my beloved Prince Charming boyfriend who was no longer charming. We played pretend couple for his family…who played pretend for us on that very long week at their chalet near St-Jovite.

I was no longer charming either. My beautiful future had fallen apart, ripped at the seams by new medication, reality finally setting in about my family, illness pulling me deeper into pain. I was very depressed, almost psychotic those few weeks before Christmas but just in time for the Holidays I was a bit better, calmer. I just had to sleep ten hours each night. I had lost a lot of weight, couldn’t eat. I was facing separating a man I loved and was depending on to always be there as he had promised. I was afraid of being alone forever…again.

He said we would marry. He wanted children. He wanted so many things that I wanted for him because I loved him. But inside me I knew I couldn’t give him what he wanted. I had no future.

That first day of 2000, in the forest, along with his sister who walked farther away from me, letting me cry, I walked on the frozen lake and screamed my anger, my sadness, everything that I kept inside.

I realized I was walking on water. On a lake. I had always been afraid of lakes and rivers. Fear gripped my heart at the thought that a fairy could unfreeze the lake, I would drown !! Nobody would ever find me. What if it happened ? What if the lake wasn’t really frozen ? What if the ice broke ? But then Prince Charming’s sister took me by the hand and we simply walked and breathed and looked at the snow, the trees, the sun was making the snow sparkle.

That day I walked on water even if I was afraid. I walked all the way across the lake.

It took some time before a fairy unfroze myself though. I’m still a bit frozen, afraid that the ice might crack. But I have my moments of walking on the water.

I’m still single…I have had boyfriends and lovers but I have never been able to be with someone like I was with him. And no relationship has ever lasted since that breakup. I really needed him to be there while my world fell apart. He wasn’t, he never was really there. I was never really there for myself. The road to myself proved to be veryyyy long after that.